What should I do?(18 Posts)
This might end up being a bit long.
I'm 18, but I came here because you're all mums so I guess you'll have some good advice!
I've just finished my A levels and literally have nothing to do. I work during the day and have taken to going out a lot in the evenings. My mum has just started a new job, and has to get up quite early in the mornings. I try not to wake her up when I come in...I usually get in at about 3am.
Anyway, the other night I went out with some friends to meet a guy I've been seeing. I only remember having 3 drinks, but by 12am I must have been completely wasted.... after that the night is mostly a blur. I woke up at half 5 in this guy's house, and walked home. i was home by 6. I must have woken up my parents but when my mum came storming into my room I cleverly told her that I'd been in for the past few hours. BAD PLAN!
The next day I had to do an 8 hour shift and I was sick twice, I have never been sick from alcohol and I can definitely hold more than 3 drinks. (I know I didn't drink any more because I only spent about £4). My manager asked if I thought my drink had been spiked. I really don't know what the answer is
So anyway now my parents are hugely mad at me, I've been grounded for the first time ever. I didn't tell my mum I'd been back to a guy's house, she would only think the worst (we are a Christian family and sex before marriage and even relationships with non Christians is a huuuuge no no). I told her I'd stayed out in town.
She's really disappointed, but I think her and my dad have started to forgive me. They don't seem so angry now, they were furious before, but we all went out together yesterday evening, so I know they aren't too cross.
I don't know whether I should tell her I think I had my drink spiked, or shall I just leave it and stay grounded...because I know my mum and dad will slowly forgive me anyway? If I was your daughter...what would you want?
If you were my daughter I would want to know BUT I am not judgemental and have a realistic idea about the dangers that young people have to negotiate these days. Do you think you were sexually abused?
I would like to know you are OK and that you have learned from the experience in terms of not putting yourself in danger by drinking too much, accepting drinks from strangers, or leaving your drink out of sight.
I supose that you are Ok, you have learned from th experience and your mother already knows that you are OK, so perhaps I wouldn't mention more at this time, unless you feel the need to have her support.
My mother would like to know that I have learnt to use the past tense properly but I think she is giving hope on that too.
If you have been sexually abused you need to get checked out
I don't have teenagers, but as an EX teenager who had my drink spiked at a party once, if you feel ok then don't tell as it'll make her worry more (I say this because you're going to be a LOT more careful in future, aren't you?) plus if you're already grounded and you "do your time" then they'll feel you learned something and be more happy with you going out again.
But obviously if you feel in ANY way unwell then do tell them you suspect it may have been spiked. What about the guy whose house you stayed at, could he have spiked it? Do you trust him and his motives?
You say you have nothing to do these days, why don't you try spending some time with your mum as well as staying out late on occasion? I know you're 18 but she must get really worried, and she probably misses you. I know my mum did when I was your age, but I didn't realise til she died and I found an old letter to someone that she hadn't sent.
I don't think anything really happened, I remember doing some things but I don't think we had sex...I'm a virgin...so...
I just feel so stupid because it's not like I've been brought up badly, and everytime I go out my mum gives me the talk of not leaving my drink unattended, not letting people I don't know buy me drinks etc etc.
Do you know this bloke? Is he in your social circle? What do you remember doing? did you have your clothes on when you woke up?
*But obviously if you feel in ANY way unwell then do tell them you suspect it may have been spiked. What about the guy whose house you stayed at, could he have spiked it? Do you trust him and his motives?*
I don't really think he would be the type, but I know his friends take drugs...I don't know what to think really. I haven't spoken to him about it anyway, I sent him a text but he didn't respond.
And good plan about spending more time with my mum. She probably does miss me, and I go away to uni soon as well.
Sorry I keep double posting, everyone is really quick to reply.
To carmenere - He is the best friend of a guy I work with. He is not someone I know particularly well, we've been getting to know each other over the past few weeks.
I vaguely remember kissing him, and a few other things. But it really is all a blur and no I did not have clothes on when I woke up, I had a sleeping bag covering me though. I barely remember waking up and walking home actually.
Well, firstly remember that your mum and dad are angry because they love you. They will be angry that you stayed out all night because, believe me, the parental imagination comes second to none when dreaming up what might happen to our precious children. Secondly, they will be angry because you lied. Not only because they will have raised you to be honest, but mainly because it will have damaged their trust in you. They will have to second-guess everything you say to them from now on.
If you genuinely believe that nothing happened to you sexually, then don't tell your mum as she will have already imagined the worst and felt relief that it didn't happen. I would go to the GP anyway and get checked out. Just because you don't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Better safe than sorry.
What about evening classes? There's no need to go out revelling every night and doing evening classes can introduce you to a new hobby and people.
How about signing up for evening classes with your mum? Finding something you could do together. Or making a date with your mum every week, either to go out for a quiet drink or to go to the cinema?
DTP, don't feel bad, anybody could have their drink spiked, some people are devious. Be on your alert around this chap though, if his friends are on drugs then it might be easy for him to get his hands on any old tablet to drop in your drink.
As for sex, if you are a virgin then you would have been pretty sore the next day probably if you'd had sex, I'm inclined to think you'd know.
Look all you can do is be more careful, but you know that so I'm not going to go on about it. I'm glad you're going to spend more time with your mum, she'll miss you loads when you go to uni!
Ok well to be perfectly frank, and speaking as if I was your mother, I would want you to go and have a chat with a female GP and ask her if she thinks you need to get checked out. If you were naked when you woke up and can barely remember getting home, it is VERY likely that you were taken advantage of.
You are 18, you are an adult you don't need to tell your mum but you do need to act as a grown up and look after yourself by facing up to the possibility that you might need medical attention.
By posting on here, you have made a good start and I'm sure your parents will be proud of the strong young woman they have raised.
Mine are terribly proud of me and would have DIED if they knew half of what I got upto at your age
Everyone makes mistakes, it is how you deal with those mistakes that shows what kind of person you are.
Agree with the others who said you need to have a chat with a GP. Better safe than sorry.
You seem close to your parents so if you feel you need their support over this issue, then tell them. You are only guilty of bad judgement, and every one of us has made mistakes like that about people, including your parents I'm sure.
I have an 18 year old dd, and hope she would come and talk an issue like this over with me. She is an adult now, but still needs my support through some of the difficulties she faces.
I think it's a really good idea to foster the friendship between your mother and you now as you start adulthood, and making plans to do things together like a visit to the gym or cinema or even a walk once a week, will help you both see each other in your new "equal" roles.
Thanks everyone for all the help, I guess I'll ring up the GP tomorrow. Thank you for pointing out that I should spend more time with my mum too....
Well done for coming on here, as you say we are all mums, but will have the distance your own parents won't have.
Firstly I would say PLEASE do as you said and go to the GP, don't put it off...I know teenagers can be very slow to get round to things! and remember your GP will treat you in confidence. I do think if you woke up with no clothes on and no memory it is possible something happened. Not a nice thought, but now the adult thing to do is deal with it. As regards talking to your parents....my first reaction was to leave them in ignorance, But, re reading your post, I think there's another issue here, and that's honesty. If I understand right, you told your Mum you'd been in for a while (untrue) and that you'd stayed out in town (also untrue) ....can I just ask you to reflect on that? It's very important to me that I can feel confident my teenagers tell me the truth. I don't expect them to tell me everything they do, they need some privacy. But if they mislead me about what they're doing, who they're with etc, I can't give them the support they do still need.
Best of luck. And keep an eye on your drinks in future!
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