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How do I handle this one?

(34 Posts)
jane9450 Tue 15-Jul-08 21:08:14

DD16 in trouble for lying again ,is refusing to come on holiday(To Florida!)has unpacked her suitcase,we leave on Friday.
She cannot be left here,her older brothers would not cope with her plus the money we would waste!
Part of me is going to drag her kicking and screaming and the other part wants her nowhere near me.She has spoilt everything for everyone else,DD 9 is getting distressed at all that is going on around her.We have been so looking forward to this dream holiday and it is all spoilt now.

She has been grounded(again) but this does not seem to bother her,I cant stop pocket money as she only gets £10 per month,she has no job.

This time the lies are school related,got her BF to phone in sick for her so she could go shopping with her friends and not go in and resit a final module exam,I took her in myself today and she failed it again,next attempt tomorrow.I was not aware that she had a test as she told me she had passed all 8 modules,school phoned yesterday to let me know this.She is finished at school and due to start college in Sept.

She does not care one bit about hurting me by all her lies(there are plenty more)we had a good talk the last time there was a problem and everything was forgiven (not Forgotten).
Help.

mumonthenet Tue 15-Jul-08 22:05:38

i suppose she's refusing to come on holiday as she feels guilty at having been caught out. this is her only defence.

Did she want to come on the holiday when it was being booked?

My only suggestion now is:

damage limitation.

Tell her the holiday is booked and paid for...

she might feel like not coming but she has to come. You are not going to let down the whole famil/friends/whoever's included in the party.

Deal with the lying/exams/school problems later.

Custy will be along soon - she is the queen of teens. She might say something different to what I'm saying. In any case good luck.

jane9450 Tue 15-Jul-08 22:20:40

No she doesnt want to come because she hates me! I'm not that fond of her at the moment.
Lots has been said in heated moments,i told her she would have to pay back the money wasted,she just shrugs her shoulders.
And to add to the mess have had row with H on the phone who doesnt want to come home to this tomorrow evening!
I dont want to be in the midst of it at THIS moment!He said he is going to cancel the whole thing,6 months of working away from home bonus down the drain.
DD9 would be devastated.
I hate my life,I have everything but also nothing.

mumonthenet Tue 15-Jul-08 22:25:56

poor you Jane, you sound devastated.

I don't think you have an immediate solution but maybe some sympathy from mn which will help you to take a step back and a deep breath.

Can you pour yourself a glass of wine?

mumonthenet Tue 15-Jul-08 22:33:10

right I have poured myself a glass of wine (hope you have too)

First of all, you and DD(9) at the very least, are going on this holiday. Nobody is going to take that away from you. Even if you don't feel like going, You can, and you must, go. No point in cancelling the money's paid anyway.

Do not discuss this anymore tonight with dd(16) or with DH.

Re school, she has another test tomorrow. you are taking her in. Is there any chance she will pass it? Or has she been on a downward slope and the running off shopping is a way of putting her head in the sand?

She doesn't hate you but she probably hates herself and the mess she's made. See if there's anything to be salvaged.

harpomarx Tue 15-Jul-08 22:40:37

find someone else she can stay with jane. I would rather lose the money than take her and have her really spoil the holiday (if this is what she is likely to do).

Sure you and dd will have a much better time without her. I was a nightmare at this age on my last family holiday. I left home at 17 and I bet my mum and dad were relieved!

mumonthenet Tue 15-Jul-08 22:49:19

Do not, under any circs, cancel this holiday.

Repeat after me, Me and DD9 are going, with or without DD16 and DH.

jane9450 Tue 15-Jul-08 22:49:36

She has managed to pass the other 7 but the teacher says she has not done enough revision,I really wish the school had spoken to me and not DD as her track record for lying and forgetting is not good,in a couple she did very well (so she says?) .Yes she does put her head in the sand but always gets found out.This last module is the hardest,I've lost count of how many times I've driven her to school for 1 of these tests.
Not eaten enough to drink wine,Dh hung up on me so wont be discussing anything with him.

Now to be very honest...DD been to the wrong secondary school,hated it felt a failure,would have been praised for her grades at comp,cant turn that back can I?
Yes she passed 11+but at this cost ,its a huge mistake.

jane9450 Tue 15-Jul-08 22:53:04

Why should I let her win ?Just because she is hysterical tonight?
She doesnt realise how lucky she is.

harpomarx Tue 15-Jul-08 22:56:45

wasn't really thinking of her winning or not jane, just thinking that it would be a shame to spoil the holiday and sounds like you deserve one.

mumonthenet Tue 15-Jul-08 23:00:03

Win what Jane? If she comes with you it is not a reward for her lying. You can plan the assault on that aspect later. If she comes with you it is because she's a member of your family. You can remind her that you are furious with her behaviour and you will deal with it separately.

Remember when they were toddlers, and you told them it's not them you hate but their behaviour?

And, if she comes,make it clear to her it is as a participating member of the party not as a sulker.

Make arrangements so that she can stay home if necessary, her brothers, family members, don't take all the responsibility yourself.

Then, inform everybody that you and DD9 are going. You are leaving for the aiport at such and such a time. And mean it.

jane9450 Tue 15-Jul-08 23:00:32

DD9 would be devastated if Daddy didnt come as well,everything is booked for 4 people ,rooms ,dinners,tickets and gifts for both DDs in room,it would hurt too much to see someone missing.

harpomarx Tue 15-Jul-08 23:01:54

why, would your dh stay with her? that doesn't seem right - surely she can stay with someone else?

mumonthenet Tue 15-Jul-08 23:02:26

Totally understand that, but what about the trauma if everybody stays home?

You are between a rock and a hard place but...

jane9450 Tue 15-Jul-08 23:03:50

She would think she'd won if she didnt come with us.Going to send H an email to tell him I'm going no mattter what.

mumonthenet Tue 15-Jul-08 23:06:18

Well done Harpo - of course dh won't stay home. But somebody has to take the lead here and it's you jane!!

The way I see it, you cannot NOT GO. That is the point you have to start from.

DD16 may be an hysterical 16 yr old tonight but in a few years she won't be.

SNoraWotzThat Tue 15-Jul-08 23:10:03

I would not let her know how upset you are, you can't make it a fight. She obviously knows you are not happy, but she is not 5 and you can't physically pick her up and put her onto a plane.

So if she won't come willingly you will have to make other arrangements for her and tell her that's what will happen.

Her older brothers may have to cope with her. Maybe they will tell her some home truths about how lucky she is.

jane9450 Tue 15-Jul-08 23:10:35

She would love that! She'd be able to do exactly as she pleases,should I subject a friend to her lies and tantrums?
My family is a non starter and the gossip from DHs family would last for years.
She would be a huge responsibility for a friend.

SNoraWotzThat Tue 15-Jul-08 23:12:42

She will be different under someone else's roof.
You are not kicking her out, you are giving her a choice.

jane9450 Tue 15-Jul-08 23:18:09

It wouldn't be fair for her brothers to have to look after her,she is uncontactable when out,no credit,lost phone,forgot phone,phone not charged,she would have no problem lying to them as well and would try to pull the wool over their eyes too.
Would also spend 3 weeks with her BF,perfect!in her eyes.

Ps She has been very up for this holiday up til now,just to clarify that she was not being made to go in the first place.

bluefox Tue 15-Jul-08 23:23:02

If she was not being made to go in the first place what would the arrangements have been for her staying at home?

SNoraWotzThat Tue 15-Jul-08 23:25:45

At 16, three weeks is a long time to miss your bf and mates.
She does sound like a right pain though, sorry.

If I have this to come god help me.

mumonthenet Tue 15-Jul-08 23:26:07

jane, the fact that she was up for this holiday makes me say:

find a way to make it easy for her to come with you, without either of you losing face.

Leave the arguments about school/lying for when you get back.

go to bed now. Take her to school for the exam in the morning. Tell her you expect her to do her best. You also expect her to be ready and packed for Friday. If she is not, you and dd9 and dh are going anyway. It might feel like a bluff, but I bet you it works.

You cannot possibly resolve the problem of school/lying etc. tonight, or even in the next few days. It probably can be resolved but not now.

and when I say that I don't mean that she should think it's all ok and she can do what the hell she likes and there's no consequences. Just plan the consequences that she's going to encounter.

jane9450 Tue 15-Jul-08 23:26:24

It was a holiday planned together,there was never any thought to other arrangements,there didnt need to be.She used to like us.
I'm not sure what you mean?

SNoraWotzThat Tue 15-Jul-08 23:29:01

I am sure she still does like you. Do you remember being 16 or 17 I'm sure you do?

mumonthenet's advice is just the thing as far as I can see.

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