Teenage gilrs and clothes

[theexmrsfederer]

I just don't know how to stop getting so annoyed with my 12 yr old dd about this!

I buy her clothes, or we buy them together.. She says she likes them and will wear them. I don't buy frumpy or old-fashioned stuff btw, I know what is in fashion or not.

Then they sit in her wardrobe unworn...for months until she finally grows out of them. She sticks with the same old, scruffy stuff.

For example, she was going to the cinema today with friends, a rare treat for her. She chose her oldest, bobbliest top that she wore yesterday, complete with ketchup stains) and point-blank refused to wear any of the nice summer stuff I have bought her. We ended up having a shouting match. She left in tears (in the scruffy clothes) after I said I might as well just empty her wardrobe into the dustbin if SHE JUST WON'T WEAR THEM.

I just don't get it. Why say she likes the stuff then not wear it? I have threatened to not buy her anything ever again (of course, thats not practical!) but I am SICK of wasting my money.

Any help/insight?

[MarsLady]

Then don't buy her anything else. Give her an allowance and let her save and buy the things that she wants. DD1 is 13. She's much the same. Wears the same old same old time after time. I leave her to it. I can see her suddenly beginning to realise that she has other outfits etc that she wants to wear.

It's just another of those phases.

Remember the mantra:

This too shall pass...

This too shall pass...

[theexmrsfederer]

Or I shall pass out with frustration...

The problem with giving her an allowance is that it will get spent on fake nails from Claires and headbands...

I know she wants to be like all her friends and that is fine. I have been known to buy her the exact same outfits as her best pal(against my better judgement but hey-ho). They stay in the wardrobe until they no longer fit. Or I make her wear them after much arguing and cajoling.

I guess I just find it difficult to see her thought processes on this (if there are any).

[MarsLady]

Ah but that's the beauty of an allowance. They have to learn to spend their money responsibly (lol).

The trick is NOT to give an overdraft facility. Say for example you give her £20 a month. She blows the lot on fake nails and accessories. Then she realises that she really really really wants a pair of fuschia skinny jeans. So she approaches you for money. You reply... sorry darling if you've no money left then you'll have to wait until next month.

My niece bought half a dozen pairs of black shoes until she realised that she had no clothes to wear them with. She changed her buying process pretty quickly.

You kind of have to hold your nerve and they actually rather quickly work out that they can have the things that they want but they have to prioritise them.

It's worked for me for 2 (so far) but if it's not for you fair enough. Might be worth a shot though.

[whatdayisit]

I still do that now - I have a wardrobe full of nice new(ish) summer clothes, but I'm comfy in my Jeans.

Does she ask you to buy her new clothes or do you tell her she needs new things? If she's not bothered, why does it matter to you that she has nice clothes? She's not a doll! (meant kindly, in case it doesn't come over that way)

[theexmrsfederer]

I might try that MarsLady. Will find it very difficult to hold my tongue though when she comes home with yet another useless article

[missingtheaction]

With Marslady on the allowance - my DD had one from 10 years old for exactly the same reasons. Yes she still buys rubbish but it's her choice and I have had to steel myself not to give overdrafts but boy does it work!

Maybe when you buy stuff it should be on the basis of a particular occasion - eg i will buy you x but if you don't wear it this weekend then there is nothing else for 2 months, or whatever?

[MarsLady]

Biting the tongue is a skill to be treasured. She's only 12. Just wait until next year

[MarsLady]

Oh and why are you the exMrsFed? Are you one of those wives that goes where the medals are? lol

[TooTicky]

May I have a kit too please? Dd1 is 11 but she's starting early....

And how do you answer, "But I'm nearly a teenager and teenagers do behave like this. It's my hormones."
As a complete excuse for anything

[MarsLady]

Ah that's an easy one.

"Excellent! Time for some teenage responsibility then. I need you to "

[TooTicky]

[theexmrsfederer]

MarsLady.

He is the ex until he wins again next year!

[theexmrsfederer]

Whatdayisit, I take your comment about being a doll lightly BUT what is wrong with her having nice stuff as opposed to ketchup stained t-shirt, scuffed ballet shoes and the same jeans she has been wearing for the last fortnight?

She has gone to the cinema as a treat. Do girls not like to look nice anymore?

Actually, strike that because she spent an hour with her friend caking their faces in make-up and applying tacky false nails. wtf ?

So maybe MY version of looking nice (new jeans, Converse, checked shirt and neckscarf, all of which she HAD to have at the time, now ignored) is waaaay different than hers.

[fryalot]

what you're forgetting, exMrsF... is that they don't see greasy hair, ketchup stains, holes in their clothes.

They see this and we see this

[NumberJill]

nothing is wrong with her having it, but teenagedom is like the toddler years all over again. She is asserting her right to choose her clothes on any given day. She wants to wear what she has chosen, NOT what you have chosen, simply because you chose it!

[theexmrsfederer]

squonk

The irritating thing is, she COULD look like the first pics if she wore her nice clothes.

NumberJill, I agree with you. But why does she choose to NEVER wear 99% of the clothes in her wardrobe??

[NumberJill]

Maybe she lacks the confidence to wear them? I lived in jeans and tee shirt when I was 12. I plastered makeup on my face too. But by the time I was 15, I wore all the nice clothes I could get my hands on and started using make up, rather than abusing it.

[ivykaty44]

She like the clothes in the shop, she does really want to wear them - but the confidence of actually putting them on and going out in them, no it is easier to wear old faithful bobbly tomatoe stained top and scruffs. Then at least her friends will know who she is and there is no possibility of her friends taking the micky.

[mumonthenet]

My eldest is into black in a big way! Last weekend we were in the shops and she was pulling black and grey off the rails. I wanted to scream...you're not in blardy mourning!!!! thank god a friend of hers(and this is important because we have to remember OUR opinion counts for next to nothing ) was with us and told her "hey, ddonthenet, it's about time you got out of the black stuff"

We eventually left with dark blue denim and dark blue top plus a black and white top. Not too bad.

Give her an allowance. State that it's only for clothes(not for accessories) if you want. Go with her if you want (but be prepared to bite your tongue)

I know how you feel.

[theexmrsfederer]

It never occurred to me that she may lack the confidence to wear them . She does seem VERY sensitive to how others see her and many times I have said she needs to develop some individuality. She worships her cousin who has a very distinct style, but then she is 16, not 12.

Now I feel a bit guilty for making her tearful on the way out the door.

Food for thought from you wise ladies.

[ivykaty44]

mumonthenet is so right about other peers having 90% influence over our children.

Why not take her best friend shopping aswell - this way they can pick the clothes together and she will know her friend likes the clothes (so more confidence to wear them) and you go and have a coffee - just go back for the purchases

[mumonthenet]

good thinking ivy.

[theexmrsfederer]

Hmm maybe hedgewitch.

A problem I have with her being completely independent in choosing her clothes is that she is a well-developed age 12, looking older than her years. She could esily pass for 14-15, she has started her periods, is very tall with womanly curves etc. She is already an A cup and has a booty anyone would be proud of

So when she chooses tiny shorts and skimpy tops I have a problem

[sallyforth]

I was just like this as a teen. It's a [lack of] confidence thing, completely.

Agree on allowance. But there still remains the problem of stuff at back of wardrobe which must make her feel terrible - it reminds her of the gap between the person she would like to be (or the person she thinks YOU would like her to be) and the person she "is".

?get her to sell on ebay or give them to charity