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difficult advice

(12 Posts)
stubitout Thu 26-Jun-08 17:06:30

Ok I have name changed fo ob reasons bou was not sure where to post. 15 years ok i was date raped which resulted in a pregnancy of which i was going to have the baby adopted. when i was a few months pregnant i met the most amazing man who i feel in love with he felt we should keep the baby i was not sure but when she was born i loved her he has always bought her up as his own (even his parents thing she is his) we married when she was 18mths and have had more dc since then. in a nut shell do i ever tell her he is not her bio dad i know there are people in the past that maybe one day someone will say i have thought of a. never saying and denying if ever asked or b. saying i had a one night stand and did not even catch his name my dd is almost 15 now so in an important study year so it would have to be a while off or just not say any thing and hope no one ever does she actually is the spitting image of my dh

sarah293 Thu 26-Jun-08 17:11:07

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stubitout Thu 26-Jun-08 17:23:03

yes theres no way she will ever know the truth i am not sure if she will be told anything but someone posted on another page about bio fathers and i had an iffy should i be honest but i think in this case its best not to be what good would it do

sarah293 Thu 26-Jun-08 17:24:44

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Eponine Thu 26-Jun-08 17:28:43

Wouldn't normally say this, but in this situation, I think I'd say nothing. It would cause nothing but heartbreak in these circumstances.

Bridie3 Thu 26-Jun-08 17:35:04

I'm sorry, I think you will have to tell her at some point--not now, though. Suppose she or a future child suddenly get ill and they need blood samples or want bone marrow from your husband? Suppose she needs genetic counselling at some point--like I did? My parents both needed to provide blood samples. Imagine finding out in these circumstances!

She WILL find out at some point. Maybe tell her when she's finished school. You don't have to tell her all the details.

Bridie3 Thu 26-Jun-08 17:39:29

The other reason I think you should tell her when she's at an appropriate age is that it seems that DNA collection and storage is sadly going to become more widespread, which means that all kind of nosey parkers and jobsworths will know stuff about us. Much easier for information to slip out to the wrong people. sad

cory Fri 27-Jun-08 10:18:27

Agree with Bridie. The day may come when she has to find out for medical reasons. Better to be told at a calm moment by you. Which is a good reason for not doing it now- few calm moments around with 15yos in my experience. It's a vulnerable age. Oh, and don't do it on her 18th birthday either- don't want to spoil her day.

Eponine Fri 27-Jun-08 16:31:40

But if Stubit doesn't tell her the details, wouldn't it be perfectly reasonable for her DD to ask to be able to contact her "father" at some point? And since that is not going to be an option (because her "father" is a rapist) and this information would be enough to screw anyone, of any age up.. and if she knew, she surely wouldn't want to meet him anyway.. I'd think twice about telling her anything.

I am not one for secrets and deception, in fact I hate it, but in these circumstances I would be very tempted to take the route of least distress for everyone and hope that she never needs to know the truth for genetic-related reasons. The chances are in everyone's favour that she won't in fact, so perhaps not telling her (unless forced to) is worth considering.

sunnydelight Sat 28-Jun-08 13:49:31

I think if you had told her that she wasn't your husbands bio child when she was really young (without the details of course) that would be part of her identity which she would just have accepted, but telling her now risks all sorts of confusion and possibly rejection. Unless you are going to tell her the whole truth which is a pretty tough thing for anyone to take on board, you are going to end up lying to some extent anyway so personally I would say nothing.

narkymum Sun 29-Jun-08 19:56:56

if she had been told then as she got older what if she wanted to trace father

newforold Mon 30-Jun-08 11:37:17

I think you need to tell her but as others have said, no when she is 15.
My dd's father hasn't been around for fairly similar reasons. At some point she will have to know the truth, albeit a very watered down version.
Medically it is important though, i have had all sorts of difficulties as dd has a genetic disorder and we were asked lots of very specific questions about her bio fathers medical history. I couldn't answer and it made the diagnosis far more difficult.

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