My 19 year old DS is unhappy and doesn't want to talk to me

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

where can I point him?

Who can help him?

We have got as far as there is something bothering him but he said that he can't talk to me about it

help??

[Tortington]

i am so sorry this was left unanswered. i hope you come back to it.

have you found any resolution?

[UnderRated]

It depends on the kind of problem, I suppose and just how unhappy he is.

Dr
Samaritans - by phone or email
Religious person if you are religious
Another family member (who won't tell you)
College staff
Police

Um, not sure

Could he write it to you instead of actually saying it?

Sorry he is so unhappy.

[BetteNoire]

Norma
Is he at college?
Trying to think of local support that he could access.
If not, I suppose the GP is the way to go, if he would talk to a counsellor?

[missingtheaction]

Don't nag. Don't look worried. Step back.

Accept that he may not want to talk to you about it. He may prefer to talk to his friends, or being a bloke he may prefer not to talk to anyone at all and this may be the right thing for him.

He may already think he knows what you are going to say.

Be neutral and distant and he may come to you.

otherwise, get used to it. He's a Big Boy Now.

[mumblechum]

What about his dad? Would it help if the two of them went off for the day, eg fishing, footie, whatever they enjoy doing, and see of your dh can gently get him to open up?

for you, just because he's 19 doesn't make it any less worrying for you.

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

I have not pushed. I think maybe the college councellor [sp?] is the way to go then.

He did say that he might try to get an appointment.

How do I push him in that direction without pushing iyswim?

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

He hasn't seen his dad for 18 years

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

Thank you all for answering by the way

[BetteNoire]

Hi Norma,
Does DS have a personal tutor at college?
Maybe you could contact them and ask them to have a word with your DS in confidence?
DS doesn't need to know that you've called.

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

I will see if I can track them down, thanks

[fawkeoff]

if you ring your locla gp they have phone numbers for places for him to go and talk to people.....kind of like counselling....and its free.
If he isn't able to talk to you then he can talk to someone else.
Also there are local conextions centres that specify on helping young adults up to the age of 22, and steer them in the right direction....they could help him into taster courses to find out for himself what he think he would be happy doing.
I dont know if this is any help

[justdidntthink]

Sorry Missingtheaction, but I couldn't disagree more when you say:'Don't nag. Don't look worried. Step back.

Accept that he may not want to talk to you about it. He may prefer to talk to his friends, or being a bloke he may prefer not to talk to anyone at all and this may be the right thing for him.

He may already think he knows what you are going to say.

Be neutral and distant and he may come to you.

otherwise, get used to it. He's a Big Boy Now.
My son, aged seventeen, was in a similar place last year and we did what you suggest. He ended up taking an overdose! Thankfully, we got him to hospital and he has been getting the right treatment and seeing the right people ever since and we can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. BUT both my husband and I can't help blaming ourselves for thinking he was ' a big boy now' and leaving him to deal with it himself. We did not spot the beginning stages of his depression because we thought it waas partly down to him being a stroppy teenager. If only we had been able to advise him of the people to talk to at the time, he , and we, might not have just had the most horrendous year you could imagine. It is not just the depressed person who suffers, it is the entire family: our other son has lost a year of his relationship with his big brother,as well as missing out on some of the mum and dad time we have always given them both.The grandparents have lost something of their relationship with him, they have all been very suportive but of course they don't understand it all and my mum, especially, has been quite ill with the worry of it.And we have lost our son in some ways, because despite his improvement, he will never again be the carefree person he once was and we will forever worry just that bit more about him than we should! I still do't sleep through an entire night, because I have to get up to check that he is still breathing in the middle of the night! So, no, do be worried, do offer him the opportunity to talk and give him a list of other people he can call upon if he doesn't want to talk to you, but please, please, don't just accept it and say' he is a big boy now!'

[susue]

I totally agree wiyh justdidn'tthink. They need your help and advice more as they get older, they need to know you will always be there for them and that no matter what they tell you that you will stick by them and love them unconditionally. Hug him more, offer him a brew, hire a DVD to watch together. Run him a bath, make his favourite meal, he's confused, hurting and mixed up about something at the moment. Ask if he wants a doctors appt making, he may tell his GP and get help that way. If he's changed in to a different person to the one you know he's not happy and there will be a reason for it. Hope you find out soon x

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

I don't think he is depressed as such, it is more a worry about a specific thing as far as I can tell. (there are reasons for me to think that that I don't really want to go into)
But I take your point. Connexions is also a good idea.

I will see if he has managed to get an appointment at college, and then get him to explore the other options