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I am so not enjoying being parent of a teenage girl

(88 Posts)
ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 20:09:13

Not just one single issue.
Just a general abiding aura attitude atmosphere
I don;t want to talk to her simply because,
I don;t trust her therefore,
I don't want her in the house
I just think I dont actually like her...
This feels as though it has gone on s so long and gradually I am giving up...I am exhausted with trying

Years of a metaphorical brick wall and she is still 13!

My friends are sick of hearing this so sorry but you are my sounding board.

It's so upsetting.

Breaks my heart she used to be lovely

MarsLady Sun 15-Jun-08 20:12:14

She'll be lovely again. It may take some time but she'll be lovely again.

As long as you love her (don't worry about the like bit just now, that will come back).

I too have a 13 year old dd. I can see the lovely bits slipping away (just occasional glimpses now and then) and even when I don't like her (or her attitude) I know that I love her and that gives me hope.

Don't give up. Hold on. Remember what we all said when they were going through phases as tots... This too shall pass! This too shall pass!

RustyBear Sun 15-Jun-08 20:18:18

Like you I wanted my little girl back when DD hit the teens, but it's true, it really does pass - DD began to come out of it at 16 when she was old enough to have something distantly approaching the degree of freedom she thought she should have.

I'm not saying there isn't the odd sticky patch, but now she's 18 I have, not my little girl back, but something better, a sweet, bright & loving adult daughter who talks to me like a friend & looks after me when I need it.

Mind you, she still can't keep her room tidy, but you shouldn't expect miracles......

ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 20:18:22

thanks Mars

I know about the toddler bit and so easy to see in hindsight so i cope with my toddlers now much better

I just never had this with ds now almost 16

'bits' of it but just mostly normal

my daughters choice of friends even depresses me......

My forced smile is fading fast

fryalot Sun 15-Jun-08 20:20:02

I echo what mars said.

Mine is now 14.5 and we are starting to come out the other side.

It's not all nice and happy and pleasant, but the worst of it appears to be over.

She still sulks and strops and sometimes I could cheerfully kill her. But, you will note I said sometimes. This time last year, it was ALL THE TIME.

I haven't started an "I hate teenagers" thread for absolutely ages, which has got to be a good sign.

We will never get fed up of hearing you whinge, so feel free, whenever you need to...

ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 20:21:03

thankyou Rusty

yes the fetted room is also an issue

She was once my dream daughter and proudly displays the card i once bought her saying that but now she just causes me upset.I am finding the only way to keep the peace is to keep my distance - how can that be right?

noddyholder Sun 15-Jun-08 20:22:34

My ds is 14 and also a pita but today he woke up ill with a sore throat and is back to the lovely boy I once knew Am tempted not to give him anti biotics and keep him like this for a fwe days longer grin.

ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 20:23:21

thankyou Squonk

That age thing makes me feel much better I said to dp tonight 'surely this is the worst' but i dont know...

She has not even hit puberty properly but can barely speak to us without snarling...

feeling shit

fryalot Sun 15-Jun-08 20:25:47

she started getting all "teenager-ish" when she went to secondary school, then it got really bad when she was 12 - 13. School have been fab and have helped a lot, but I think she's just got a bit more mature tbh. She has been vaguely human since christmas/new year and most of the time we get on ok now.

Like Mars said, I always loved her, but didn't like her. I am starting to like her again and often I actually enjoy spending time with her again. Give yours time, it will get better, I promise.

ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 20:37:59

found pregnancy tests ( mine she had pilfered) in her school bag the other day - for her 'friend' aged 12- how lovely!

She went on a school trip abroad - another friend had made them all 'ROFL doing sex positions' That is sweet and makes me feel really proud.

She also fell out with some girl and a teacher was involved

These are supposed to all be lovely bright girls

She was not even humilated. did not seem to careabout any of it - not even the 12 year old having sex bit

Like i said - to look at her you would think her sweet and innocent. No boobs no makeup no puberty but god help me when she does...

I just dont like what she is turning into - her choices but she is quick to tell me they are 'her' choices
the thing is we were once very close - well actually we always were until 12 ish
so now she sometimes still trys and wants it when the mood takes her but i have just had such a hard time with ther that i can almost not bear to be with her - what's the point when i know in 5 minuted she will be horrible?

she seems so duplicitous - almost the epitome of a kevin but sweetness and light when she chooses. Emotionally draining

I have other children who are all missing out at her expense..

still dont 'like' her though - i feel i am letting her doing by taking a back seat but what she wants to be is so far removed from me that i cannot continue like this

thanks for the advice will try to look forward to what 'may' be again rather than back at what was...
i have rambled and feel too crap to read it back

noddyholder Sun 15-Jun-08 20:42:29

I have had a fwe episodes with ds like that where I have been left exhausted and emotional because i was really missing the old ds and finding it hard to adjust to the new cheeky git(sorry) I have had to really take a deep breath and see the hormones and the litle boy starting to grow up and probably finding it a nightmaer.the only thing I find diffuses things is when I say i feel disappointed in him it somehow gets to him and he chills out.Arguing with him usually ends in tears all round I look forward to normality

jammi Sun 15-Jun-08 20:43:38

Message withdrawn

fryalot Sun 15-Jun-08 20:45:27

oh don't worry about rambling.

If this makes you feel any better, mine:

regularly stole money off us
regularly stole cigarettes
was brought home by the police after graffiti-ing public toilets
was brought home by teacher after being found drinking wine in town (at 10 in the morning!)
regularly took what she felt like taking, regardless of who it belonged to
bullied her little brother and sister
slammed doors
sulked
swore at me
refused to do a thing around the house
has a very messy bedroom
had to be blackmailed/bribed to have a wash/bath
rarely (if ever) did homework

BUT... this year:

All her teachers gave her a glowing review at parents evening
washes her hair every day and has a bath about three times a week without being forced
still has a very messy bedroom
sorts out washing up every night and puts washing up away
given up smoking
no longer steals from us (although this might be because we have all got in the habit of hiding our money wink)

AND... she came to me and said "a boy kissed me for the first time today" and "will I know when I have met the right boy?" and "I'm not planning on having sex for aaages yet, but when I do decide to, will you talk me through my options as far as birth control and STDs are concerned?" and "can we go to the pictures together, just you and me?" all of which make me grin and go a bit gooey that I have managed to produce this wonderful almost-adult.

It really does get better.

ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 20:47:46

thanks for that Noddy

I think with DD we have passed that a bit sadly

Not sure she cares anymore when i say that i am upset or just want us to get on. She used to be weepy etc but now just shrugs it off a bit

dp says it is pathological - he says the reason she is so uncaring is that she really cannott help it...

with regard to her 'choices' he says and i quote ' she has always sought out the lowest common denominator and will continue todo so '

so i am not to fight it! He just came in the room i was snivelling over this with hairdryer in one hand - he just muttered over the din 'depressing isn't it?' sad

Hassled Sun 15-Jun-08 20:50:19

Just hang on in there and it will all come good. I do recognise that just not liking or wanting to be around a teenage DD; it's a hideous time and they just seem to turn into strangers you don't want to get to know.

My DD was the reason I first posted on MN - I was in absolute despair about her. At 18 she still has her moments but is now a nice, kind person - and I'm dreading her going to Uni because it will feel like losing my best friend. I never would have thought that possible when she was 13 to 15. Be consistent, don't ever blame yourself, always be there when she needs you and you'll get your girl back again in teh end.

ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 20:52:05

squonk that DOES make me feel better

I am currently pg and we have always been very open about sex etc ( although she has deffo never been kissed!!)
but now i feel ( and yes it is natural) she is taking her sex ed cues from her chav chums school friends

and THANKYOU SQUONK I am not the only woman in the worls with a 13.9 year old who never washes and has greasy tresses ( grin through the tears)

isn't she supposed to be preening infront of a mirror 24/7?

jammi Sun 15-Jun-08 20:53:11

Message withdrawn

ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 20:55:10

hassled thankyou for the comments on not wanting to be near her. it is like a survival thing. It feels like nature is saying - just keep your distance at this time. I think if i try too hard or even continue as i have been - her behaviour will drive us further apart IYKWIM

staying an arms breadth away keeps things civil

sort of 'we will agree to disagree' maybe

fryalot Sun 15-Jun-08 20:56:27

the preening comes later. First of all you get preening where they don't seem to be able to see the grease and muck. Then we get real preening with them using half a bottle of shampoo every day and emptying an entire can of deoderant in the morning before school...

one small word of advice... when they storm out of a room and slam the door and you throw the first thing that comes to hand at the door, make damn sure that she isn't coming back in to apologise. The thing you are throwing will hit her slap bang in the middle of the face and you'll be back to square one.

(not that that ever happened to me, oh no <<<whistles innocently>>>)

ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 20:57:43

lol squonk - but 'hey' she did apologise!!!!

she does drive me to chuck things

then tears

me not her!

fawkeoff Sun 15-Jun-08 21:03:23

god this is taking me back to my relationship with my mother when i was a teenager.......i was a little bastard.....drank fron the age of 12....lost my virginity at a young age, stole, stayed out all night, kicked holes through the living room walls, swore, pushed ......my mum put up with a lot of shit off me and i am not proud of things i have done, but she was also bot the greatest mother.....but we love each other to bits now, i realised when i had my daughter at 17 that i had behaved horribly to her....we have had a few glitches since then but other than yet things are great....you just have to ride it out......she takes great pleasure in reminding me that i have it to come when my DD turns a teenager

MarsLady Sun 15-Jun-08 21:05:24

<<mental note not to throw things immediately after DD slams door>> grin

The grimy, greasy stage is awful isn't it? DD is also going through the "how can I possibly get off my arse when I can't be bothered and all I want to do is watch TV, shout at my siblings and live on the internet" stage.

This too shall pass.......

This too shall pass..............

ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 22:07:57

<repeats mantra>

DaisySteiner Sun 15-Jun-08 23:23:07

My mum found a big stack of magazines and things from when she was growing up and passed them on to me so I could laugh at them in case I was interested. The following is an extract from a pamphlet entitled "You're a young lady now" about starting menstruation. Thought it might raise a smile (it's best read in a 1950s radio announcer-style voice!)

"Most girls go right along as if "those days" were just like any others. A few complain of headaches and an uncomfortable feeling in the lower part of the body. Some feel blue, upset and cross. They cry easily, lose their tempers over nothing, and use menstruation as an excuse for being rude and mean. They're pretty hard to live with.

You see, some girls imagine they feel worse than they actually do. They get in a dither just by thinking too much about themselves."

grin

ButterflyMcQueen Sun 15-Jun-08 23:26:01

i trust a bloke was the editor!!!

fabulous!

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