need advice re dd age 14

[crkm]

dd has been chatting on msn for months, but recently she is getting really secretive and shutting down the conversations if me or dh are around her. ( thankfully the computer is in the living room) we found a way of checking the conversations on the computer without needing passwords or any thing -( dh found the files by accident when doing some computer spring cleaning) so we can now check whats being said without her being aware. we dont do this regularly - but every now and then we check a couple of conversations. well i was so sus today with her behaviour while on the computer that i checked her conversations. i am shocked. she has been talking to a boy who she knew at lower school. a boy who has always been strange and a loner - he has a terrible family life and his father has always been strange and i always found him a bit pervy, and always trying to come on to women. the son is obviously taking after his father. i was mortified by the conversation - he asked for her bra size, which she stupidly gave him, and he talked about her seeing him turned on and was he turning her on. i am so mad!!! with her stupidity for going along with the conversation, for encouraging him. she tells me she thinks he is wierd but then seems to be lapping up the attention. is it my fault she seems to be so naive? am i over reacting? i dont know whether to confront her, to ban her from the computer for ever, to stop her going to town in case she meets up with the little p**ve!!!

any advice welcome -

[windygalestoday]

i think its quite common tbh my ds is 14 he chats to girls from school on msn and some of the pics they send are quite sexy albeit clothes on etc but the poses etc i think its just a way of experimenting of course if she was out there doing it (as some of us were at that age- not me i hasten to add) then she wouldnt have time to chat virtual on msn would she?
i think its all part of growing up nd all you can do is be honest and open with her and guide her and hope she listens-one particular girl got my ds quite interested with her pics and i remred if shes sent them to him i bet shes sent them to other boys so ds1 sked around and yip most of the boys had them too........

[crkm]

i got the impression from the conversation she had that she was encouraging him from afar - not actually committing to meeting him, but enjoying the attention. i guess i have to trust that she is sensible and wont do anything silly.

[ButterflyMcQueen]

i think it is awful sorry
my dd is 13 and her friends are all sexily posed on bebo
i do not allow it
i encourage her to chat on the phone

[dolally]

I don't read my dc's msn messages but I make sure they know I can and I might. Computer is also in the living room.

No it's not your fault. No she's not naive - she's just 14. I think you should tell her you found the files by accident when cleaning out the computer (it's not that difficult to do in fact). Try not to be too judgmental but tell her that this conversation is totally inappropriate. Point her to a few teenager internet safety sites. Remind her that anything she types or posts remains in the public domain for ever.

Sure you'll get more advice on here.

[windygalestoday]

butterfly it is and id be so worried if i was the mum of these girls........msn is a good thing if used responsibly its certainly helped ds2s spelling and grammar

[ButterflyMcQueen]

i think i am quite narrow minded actually ...with regard to MSN etc

freaks me a bit

[Remotew]

MSN has taken over from text messaging in the last year or so. My friend read what was going on with her DD via MSN and stopped her going on it. It is a virtual way of chatting which also means flirting and bullying ( a bit likes mumsnet ).

At least your DD is cyber flirting instead of going out and actually doing. Its natural and she is experimenting. Dont worry, just keep an eye on things.

[crkm]

spoke to dd tonight. told her some new rules while using msn. not to minimise coversations etc and told her we would check if we got suspicious. went down like lead balloon!! still she got the message.

[ButterflyMcQueen]

well done you - its good to stay one step ahead!

[sunnydelight]

Think you've done exactly the right thing. DS1 (14) has a computer in his room and he knows that he has it on the condition that DH and I can check any conversations/sites he has been on etc. at any time. That is the condition of his having it so no, it is not an invasion of his privacy and if be doesn't like it computer will go.

[getmeouttahere]

omg, there was a hugely long thread about this type of privacy ishoo recently.

I will watch this thread and see if any of the "teenagers are people too and you are being draconian to invade their privacy" posters turn up.



BTW, I'm with OP.

[sunnydelight]

Hell riven, you're having a bit of a tough time at the moment! Just read your post in the AIBU section about your mum giving you grief about not being at her beck and call. Hope things get better for you soon (virtual hugs).

[Cammelia]

Sympathies crkm. 14 year old girls/the internet

A marriage made in heaven NOT

[ButterflyMcQueen]

this makes me feel so much better

[daughterofthem]

this is normal, i was like this a few months ago, but if she is anything like me (which i suspect she is )
she wont do anything about it its only a bit of fun and i know its hard for parents to do but you have got to relax !
(btw my mother is making me help people as a punishment , any questions welcome)

[Cathpot]

I am hesitating a little about posting here as my kids are still very little so I may feel very differently in 10 years time, but I do remembering vividly being 14 (despite it being an alarming length of time ago) and the things my best friend and I used to write to each other in notes were soo disgusting. I have no idea why we did it, breaking every swearing taboo we could and would have been mortified if parents found it - I never swore at home. Then of course there is the whole awakening sexuality at that age which is an enormously powerful and unfocussed force. My mum did find a letter from me to my boyfriend around that age which was sexuality explicit and she hit the roof. I know now of course that she was shocked and worried and reacting instinctively but it did enormous damage to our relationship and I became incredibly secretive after that. I also took many horrible risks which I would hope my own daughters would never ever do. In short I understand the OP's unease, and her need to take some sort of action but I would bear in mind that in a few short years time her daughter's (hopefully happy safe and fulfilling sex life) will be none of her business and the sheparding of her daughter from here to there is going to be a delicate process. Maybe there is a need to tread gently, to point out the risk she might well be taking, the reasons they are worried about her, without demanding that they as parents have a right to know everything. I am hoping (possibly naively) to keep the communication lines open when it comes to sex with my two girls, and hope that even if I dont know the details I can support them in the general attitudes and decision they will have to make for themselves. That might sound naive, but what I do know for sure is that freaking out and coming down heavy handed can be very counterproductive.

[girlnextdoor]

I think you have no reason to be worried. it's all fantasy- if he actually met her I am sure he wouldn't do any of the things he talks about! It's bravado, in a safe environment for them both.

The best you can do is openly discuss boys and sex and how she feels about relationships etc. when the moment is right.

TBH it is far safer that she is doing this under your nose, rather than hanging around street corners getting drunk etc which some 14 yr olds do!

It's all a bit of a novelty and it will soon wear off.

My DD is now almost 20 - she used to spend ages MSn-ing when at home- now at uni. I don't know what she was saying etc,but it's more about who they chose as friends andn ot metingup w ith strnagers that is important.