Feeling terrible, just shown myself up at school

[Wereallcrazynow]

My DS is 14 and is always in trouble for being silly. He's not a bully, he's just very, very immature, easily led and likes to be laughed at. This has been the same all through primary and secondary school.

Anyway he was suspended for 2 days last week for locking his friend in a toilet cubicle and leaving him there for 2 hours. He went back last thursday and he's been in trouble non stop since.

Anyway I got called in today and was read a catalogue of incidents involving DS since last thursday.

Thing is some of them were actually funny and I had to contain myself so hard throughout and I could see that the head was starting to notice which just made it worse. Part of it was the way the head was reading the stuff out.

Anyway the final one was that he'd written "BO Brig" on the whiteboard in reference to his teachers BO problem. When he said it I just burst out laughing, tried to disguise it as a cough which just made it even worse and by the end I had to apologise and leave.

My excuse - My son has been a constant cause of worry and concern for me since he learnt to walk, I have had years of teachers complaining about him, other parents, neighbours...I'm a single parent and in the end was advised to pick my battles with him. Therefore the dafter stuff I ignore, the worse stuff I come down hard on. I also suffer from a terrible nervous laugh which is worse under pressure.

I have not heard from the school yet since I walked out, what should I do? Write and apologise? phone and apologise or just leave it?? I'm sure they're probably thinking we're one of "those families" now but its not that I find his behaviour funny...its just that from all the other stuff he could be doing and probably will be doing next week...I just couldn't help but laugh at a daft comment wrote on a board.

Am I making too much light of this? seriousness of it is that I'm hugely embarrassed and don't know what to do next

[littlemisssensible]

I think that you should appologize explaining what you've just explained on here.

A phone call would be quicker but if you're likely to laugh nervously on the phone then a letter may be better.

As long as you stress that you are taking the schools concerns seriously and perhaps suggest a meeting to discuss strategy for dealing with ds - bearing in mind the need to pick battles!- I'm sure they'll be understanding (though you may get a bit of a haughty response initially - especially if you do it by phone!)

[kritur]

As a teacher I think I would be suggesting that you spent a day in school observing your sons lessons from a distance to start with and then perhaps sat next to him. The school are probably (quite rightly) concerned about the impact that he is having on the education of others in his class. Class clowns can be incredibly disruptive, preventing teachers from finishing a sentence, giving instructions etc. You may be picking you battles but teachers can't really do that and back up from home is really important for us.

[Twiglett]

write and apologise and blame nervous laughter

he's 14 now not 4 .. I think you are making too light of it .. his behaviour is setting him down as a trouble-maker

and yes your reaction to it is going to set alarm bells ringing unless you apologise

I'd email

[Saturn74]

How are you going to deal with your DS about this at home?

[jalopy]

Dull, dull, dull.

[AbbeyA]

I would send an email-I think you need to apologise because the school is obviously having difficulties with him and need your full support. I think kritur's suggestion is a good one-go into school and sit by him in lessons. He will probably be so embarrassed that he will start to behave in case you make a habit of it!

[alysonpeaches]

I think you need to get in touch with school and explain what happened. Explain that in no way do you condone his behaviour and you would like to work with school to improve it. Put the ball back into their court, say you need some support in dealing with him and what do they suggest?

I sympathise. Its hard when despite all your best efforts to bring him up, school seem to refer his behaviour back to you as if you can wave some magic wand.

Good luck!

[AbbeyA]

The school should refer his behaviour back to you, you then have to work together- he has responsibilities as well as rights. The teacher has the right to teach and the other pupils have the right to learn without disruption.I would do whatever it takes-sitting beside him in lessons would be a good start.

[chenin]

I would be mortified if my DD behaved like this... there is nothing worse than the class clown disrupting lesson after lesson and those that want to learn, can't. Sorry to sound tough, but it might be a huge joke to you but it won't be to the parents of the other kids in the class. I have experienced this and whole lessons get wasted....

Confused about jalopy's dull, dull, dull?!

I wouldn't even mention the laughing episode to the school - it is only going to reinforce what they know happened and maybe, just maybe, they didn't notice as much as you think (can but hope...!) I would contact the school, asking for a meeting and setting up with them a plan of action for improving his behaviour.

And.... I would come down on your son like a ton of bricks and tell him "The mucking around stops here.... you are going to start afresh and I am going to help you" I would withdraw privileges and do whatever it takes to make him realise it means business.

Good luck.

[hercules1]

I would be incredibly annoyed with you if I were your sons teacher and also if your child was in my ds's class at school. Your son can choose to disrupt his own education but he has no right to disrupt the education of others. You need to come down hard on him now. I wouldnt bother trying to excuse yourself for the last episode, damage has been done. THe best thing you can do now is to actually show you agree with them that even the little things must stop and that you fully support them and will enforce this at home.

[fireflytoo]

I have such sympathy for you. I have a boy (15) in one of my classes who is intelligent, hard working and generally a good kid. But he is a joker too. I have deliberately not taken his year on a 3 day field trip because I cannot trust him to do something completely stupid.

The thing is, even though some of the stuff he gets up to is horrific (once causing another child to have severe burns on both legs), he is funny and what he does can be funny. And we all say he is 15, he should grow up and so on... but he doesn't

Now, I have read some research that suggests that during teenage years the forebrain which is in charge of decision making etc goes a bit quiet while the rest of the body develops. For me this is the only thing that would explain what your son is going through as he is obviously unable to think his actions through to their consequences...until it's too late.

I agree that you should be very firm with him. Get HIM to try and explain to you how his behaviour affects others around him. I think it is ok to acknowledge that stuff is sometimes funny, but to point out that it is still not ok.

And let the school know you take their points to heart and want to help. They may even have suggestions.

[hercules1]

I really don't get how parents can think that something their child is doing is funny when it disrupts not only their own childs education but the education of the other kids in the place. It's one thing having a laugh as a class along with the teacher but quite another to do it to disrupt and be rude on an ongoing basis.

[hercules1]

Sorry firefly, I misread your post and took it that you were also a parent.

[fireflytoo]

I am a parent too. Mostly I also do agree with you and other people about disruptive pupils. As a teacher I can be quite a dragon when it comes to disrupting lessons with silly behaviour. It is just that in this instance Wereallcrazy's son reminded me of this boy in my class. I think you get the sort of general silliness and you get the children who sometimes seem to be in a different gear altogether and I think her DS is in that position. I do feel that in all cases it should be dealt with. It is not acceptable..... but it can be funny nonetheless (somtimes). And it can be very hard to get through to these kids and get them to change their behaviour.

[fireflytoo]

sometimes ... that is

[chenin]

To add to my post.... there is a fine line to be trod. Having heard from my DDs about what the class clowns get up to, I can see how the odd caper might be funny... very funny in fact. And I love the large personalities some of these kids have... out of school they are great fun and the best ones to have round here with my DDs.

However, it's just that certain characters just don't have the maturity to use that humour on the odd occasion to lighten the class mood (which is welcome from time to time). It is the sheer relentness nature of it that disrupts the lesson, and gets extremely wearing for those that want to learn. From what you have said, wereallcrazy, your son falls into that camp.

Wereallcrazy... interested to know if your son was in the meeting with the Head and saw you finding it funny? If so, you have a lot of hard work to do....

[fireflytoo]

Helliebean it is exactly that relentlessness that frustrates me as a teacher. My daughter (15) often complains of the clown in her class for exactly that reason. But in most cases it is the other children who help to perpetuate and encourage things. There is always a group who would rather be entertained than educated. In my DD's class (very small class I must admit) they decided to stop laughing at this boy's antics. I teach their class and I must admit it had more effect than anything I have ever tried to do.

I also agree with Hellie... you DS needs to know in no uncertain terms that you are on the school's side (and they on yours)

Good luck.

[ajandjjmum]

Slight off-thread - but if a teacher genuinely has a BO problem, the school should be told so that they can address it (infact, they should know anyway!).

Dd is reluctant to ask her Maths teacher for help, because he stands very close, and has BO.

[Threadworm]

fireflytoo, I'd be very interested in that research you mention about brain development and decision-making. Is it online at all?

My DS1 (12) is perfectly well behaved at school, but at home he manhandles DS2, shouts, clowns, and does all sorts of crazy things in a way which makes me think that there is some sort of devlopmental issue with his impulse control, and his ability to reflect on his behaviour.

[Blandmum]

The brain stuff is faily well accepted.,

The first bit of the brain to undergo 're-modeling' in the teenage years is the limbic system which is heavily involved in emotion, and the last bit to be 'done' is the frontal cortex which does stuff like cause and effect. Whuch is why teeagers are emotionally charged nutters for some of the time!

Shouldn't stop you trying to correct poor behavior, but it helps to know the orgin of some of it

[Threadworm]

Thanks, MP.

Yes, we don't want to stop correcting poor behaviour but it is helpful to have info that stops us feeling inappropriately negative and angry with him. Poor little chap seems to be nagged from morning to night

[Blandmum]

www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/work/adolescent.html

[Threadworm]

And thanks for link. Will look now.

[Blandmum]

It just gives you a bit of an intro and some names to follow up.

Some kids (and parents!) suffer more than others. There was a recent repot that showed a correlation between the size of the amygdala (part of the limbic system) and the amount of violent outbursts etc in adolecesce. The bigger the amygdala the more outbursts.

Mind you I don't know if they cabn say catagorically that this is cause or effect.

Similarly taxi drivers in London have been shown to have slightly larger and more active hippocampi (which is involved in spatial memory), but again, do they become taxi drivers because they have a large hippocampus and are good at this stuff, or does the hippocampus get larger with a more regular 'workout'?

facinating stuff. Plus you have to take into account that the brain is quite 'plastic' and other parts of the brain get invlved with complex tasks.