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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Should I expect DH to give her a lift?

72 replies

SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 20:54

I am re-married and have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

Daughter and DH really do not get on, she is cheeky, ignorent and nasty to him and he winds her up, turns TV over when she is watching it, creates arguments for the sake of it etc. Basically he comes in from work and she goes to her room for the night to get away from him. She says she hates him and he insists that he is "trying" with her

Anyway she recently took up karate at the local leisure centre, its a 30 minute walk away from our house and doesn't finish until 9pm. On the way home she has to walk past some unsavoury areas by herself.

Anyway, without mentioning it to me she has gone and complained to my father (her grandad) about the whole situation saying that all the other kids/teens get picked up and she is the only one that has to walk home by herself. My dad went mad and said I should make my DH pick her up (I don't drive).

I mentioned it to DH and he refused saying if she cant treat him with respect why should he have to taxi her around. She goes 3 times a week and DH said when he gets in from work he doesnt want to be faffing picking her up at 9pm.

I don't drive. Now my dad is kicking off saying that since I got married I have pushed my daughter to the side. I am worried about her walking home at that time of night but I do see DH's point of view too.

Should he pick her up?

OP posts:

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SheherazadetheGoat · 26/02/2008 20:55

yes he should. she is the child and he is the responsible adult.

MissingMyHeels · 26/02/2008 20:57

Hmm a toughie, part of me thinks yes, from a safety perspective she shouldn't be walking home.

I can also see why he won't - I never got on with my step Dad and he had a similar attitude, equally, I wouldn't have wanted to spend ten minutes in a car with him!

Can any of her friends offer her a lift?

SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 20:57

His argument is though that if she dislikes the walk she has the option not to go.

OP posts:

dippydeedoo · 26/02/2008 20:58

i think he should too .....maybe this might be the olive branch that gets them chatting,good luck u r in the middle of it all.

SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 20:58

She doesnt really have any friends there, only one (who is 20) and lives a different direction.

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MissingMyHeels · 26/02/2008 20:59

'cause that's a rational way to look at it

What about paying for her to get a taxi? Maybe he will get so bothered by seeing the money wasted he will give in and drive her!

minorityrules · 26/02/2008 20:59

yes he should, he should also grow up! winding her up, turning the tv over etc? how pathetic he is being, just who is the adult. I don't blame her for not liking him much

Sounds like he is jealous of her, I wouldn't stand for anyone treating my kids like that, it does sound like you are pushing her to one side from that one post, poor kid

FourPlusOne · 26/02/2008 21:00

I think that he should. He married you knowing that you have a child and should be taking on some of that responsibility - or at least treating her nicely! I also would be really worried about her walking home alone, and would be annoyed if he was unwilling to go and collect her - I assume it would be a 15minute ish round trip?

He is the adult and should treat her with more respect. Maybe then he would get some back. I haven't got teenage children, but am just trying to see this from her point of view. I think that if a new 'parent' is introduced, then it must be very difficult for the child especially if they are going through the teenage phase.

arewenearlythereyet · 26/02/2008 21:00

are you happy about her walking alone?

Heated · 26/02/2008 21:01

How bad would you & dh feel if something happened to her on that walk home? Karate is great for building confidence but I wouldn't want any dd of mine having to test out her skills on the way home. The alternative is to prebook a taxi or share the pickups with another parent.

choccypig · 26/02/2008 21:01

You are not being unreasonable to ask him to pick her up.. as 1001 says, he is the adult.. but she is being unreasonable to expect a lift home three times a week. She should have thought about how she was going to get home before committing to the activity.
Can you work something out where lifts get shared.. maybe grandad could pick her up sometimes?

TotalChaos · 26/02/2008 21:01

I think she should be cut some slack - she had rather less choice than your DH about entering into a stepparet relationship.

edam · 26/02/2008 21:02

Karate is a good thing, though, isn't it? Aren't you glad she's a. getting some exercise b. learning self-defence and c. not hanging around rowing with dh? And yes, she should be getting a lift home, never mind dh's bitching.

Beyond that, there is a really huge issue here about the relationships between the whole family. Your dh knew perfectly well he was taking her on when he married you, so he needs to give a bit. And teenagers are challenging anyway, let alone when they feel threatened by competition for their parent's affections. She should be civil to your dh, too, of course. Time for a big chat and some family rules?

Heated · 26/02/2008 21:03

Your dd ought to be commended for finding a worthwhile hobby she likes and sticking with it. Imo that needs supporting by supportive parents.

SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 21:04

Thanks for the replies. It is very difficult because I am stuck right in the middle. His parents are horrible to her too which makes things worse. After a big row his dad came storming in and pointed in her face saying "You're ruining my sons life you bitch" needless to say I have little time for them. DH isnt half as bad, he's just used to being on his own and has no experience of kids. I have told him about the TV and the arguing etc and he says he doesnt realise as he is so used to being on his own.

Can't really afford the taxi 3 times a week, maybe if she would cut it down to twice. One of the sessions is in the city centre so she gets a bus back anyway I suppose but the walk from the bus stop is still pretty long.

OP posts:

arewenearlythereyet · 26/02/2008 21:04

YOu could of course learn to drive yourself, not a short term solution I know, but empowering, go for a 5day pass course. then you could share lifts. I do think he should feel like he wants her to be safe and collect her even if he does resent it sometimes. we all do it!

arewenearlythereyet · 26/02/2008 21:06

and how did your dp react to his father behaving like that with your daughter?

edam · 26/02/2008 21:06

Thing is, presumably one of the attractions of going three times a week is to get out of the house and away from dh - sounds as if she really doesn't feel very welcome in her own home.

mablemurple · 26/02/2008 21:07

Have you discussed with your dd what she would like to happen? Your dh seems to expect 'respect' from your dd without extending it to her, and he doesn't seem to realise that he will have to work very hard at creating a good relationship with her (and that the impetus for that will have to come from him). Agree with dippy that this could be a good opportunity for them to start to get to know each other better.

SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 21:08

I agree the karate is great, she has always been into martial arts and used to do jujitsu before but since we moved in with DH she hasnt been able to find a new club so she took up karate instead. I did ask her if she wanted me to go and watch her grading and she said "parents dont really go..." lol that was her nice way of saying "good god no!"

She is quite a confrontational person though at the best of times, stubborn and bad tempered so it doesnt take much for an argument to flare up. We're also having loads of trouble with school lately too which is creating tension.

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SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 21:10

I did try to learn to drive but I was so scared, I almost crashed the car and it completely put me off.

I did ask her if she wanted DH to give her a lift and she said "Only on the way home" so she doesnt mind walking there herself but then DH started going on about "why should I" etc so DD snapped that she'd rather be mugged walking home then get in a car with him. This is how most of our discussions end up, unfortunately.

OP posts:

mablemurple · 26/02/2008 21:12

omg just seen SF's post of 21.04 . Your poor dd.

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Remotew · 26/02/2008 21:12

OMG. Your poor DD. How long have you been together? No wonder she complained to her grandad she must feel very tense in her own home. Can you not try some family counselling to see if DD and DH can get along better. Sorry to sound harsh.

hecate · 26/02/2008 21:13

Thing is, he is the adult and she is the child and it is up to him to understand that she lacks maturity and is in hormone hell, which is behind her behaviour, and to rise above it. He should not be trying to 'wind her up'. All this tit for tat stuff is childish and will drive her away from you. He needs to make the effort and plod on even when it seems he's not getting anywhere. Sometimes you need to keep offering your hand, even when it repeatedly gets bitten!

A lift home - with some rules about being civil on the way!!!! - might be a nice thing to do and go some way to improving their relationship.

hecate · 26/02/2008 21:15

His dad said she is ruining your partners life?

How did he get that idea? Your partner must be saying that to him. If so, that is terrible.

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