Are WE been unreasonable????

[rowe]

Are 16yr old DD has found a BF and has gone totally googly eyed and is fixated with him. She has already dropped behind with her assignments at collage and is constantly texin him. Has been seen in pubs with him by friends {he is older}. Lied to us about nearly everything and has travelled over 2 hrs to his house and came home through a dangerous busy bus station at 11pm We have put a curfew in place that shes takes the mick out of like {i just went the shop I'm only 15 min late} . I think she should stop seeing the lad and focus on her collage and get her future sorted .My DH has said that she can still see him but under some rules i.e. no going to his house only seeing him at weekends . But still with the joint emphasis on her getting her collage work done. This has lead to massive rows and numerous packing of bags !!! any way we have given her a new set of rules that we both have agreed to and so has she but i have my reservations as to whether she will stick to them .So i have thrown in an ultimatum . If she continues to break the rules I've said three more chances then she is to leave and go and live with her grand parents .To my husbands horror so just thought we would post this and ask what you all thought you may have some suggestions

[lucyellensmum]

I think you should back off. Sorry, i know that is really hard but i speak from experience. Obviously speak sternly to her about her college work, but there is only so much you can push. And the more you try and stop her seeing this lad, the more she will think they are romeo and juiliet.

What is she doing at college? Is she doing something she loves? or is she there because you made her go? Because if she isnt committed she is bound to get behind, they dont push you like they do at school.

Sorry to be so blunt, its just that you could be describing my DD. I pushed her too hard, constantly on her case, she rebelled big time. She is 17 now and has gone to live with her boyfriends parents. I am not happy but i do at least like him (he is older to, but is soo good to dd). I regret every single row we had, every single over reaction.

Now im not suggesting that you are pushing your DD away, there were other factors involved with us (incedentally, my relationship with DD has never been better!) but dont attach too much importance to this guy - DD was "in love" with all of her numerous beaus that she found upon starting college.

[PersephoneSnape]

how much older is he? I tend to agree with Lucyellensmum. I'd have one last chat and say that you obviously care about her very much, you appreciate that she's not a child and can make her own decisions, but education is very important and while she is still living with you there will be certain rules, that respect the other people living in the house. give her limited freedom, (she can see him at weekends for example) but making it clear that breaking those rules will have consequences and then stick to your guns.

I would also say 'you don't have to tell me if you're sexually active, but here are the leaflets on STD's' and ask if she knows where to get condoms.

[alfiesbabe]

I agree with LEM. I think it's fine to encourage her with college, keep the lines of communication open and establish whether she really wants to be at college. It's very easy for young people these days to automatically go on to college/uni because it's expected of them these days. If her heart isnt in it, then she's not going to seriously get down to work.
This is a really difficult age, and I understand your worries, but I really think the best thing to do is keep talking but don't try to force her to do what you want. She's not that far off being legally an adult and then she'll be able to do what she wants anyway - so far better to not have a total breakdown in your relationship.
IME as a teacher, the worst thing to do is to think you can mould her into what you want her to be. She'll simply rebel totally.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Have you met the boyfriend?

Agree with other posters than to be too heavy handed might backfire. Why not invite her bf round for dinner and see what he's like? If he thinks he is welcome in your house at least you will know she is safe.

[Tortington]

your going to end up looking like a cow. she will live with GPs - what if she becomes pregant - will she ever come home. will her relationship be strained with you until she is in her 20's?

is it worth it?

she can re-sit

chill

[lucyellensmum]

i wish i had mumsnet when DD1 was growing up - would have saved a lot of heart ache

[jesuswhatnext]

invite bf round, include him in family events, meals etc. - we have found that then they get to understand us, our values, and the way we 'carry-on' iyswim

try welcoming him in, it may be difficult for you, however, ime, the one who refused to mix with us was dumped fairly quickly. dd thought he was a bit of a tosser she said 'imagine being his age and scared of adults, what a prat'

good luck, it's a bloody minefield with no easy way across!!

[Beetroot]

I think there has to be a fine line between letting her get on with it and sending her away

It would be a shame at 16 to fail her exams - it is a bugger to retake.

I would invite the bf round and get friendly. I would also try to take away the heavy hend an talk to her about about her options

[rowe]

Hi thanks 4 all the advice this is our first time on a mumsnet thread brill to get some replys . Thanks once again . First of all DDs BF is 18 yrs old she hid him from us 4 two weeks ,she has had BF before and we have invited them round and even taken him out to family outings.so y hide this one ? DD is reluctant to tell us enything enymore about enything the nice nice approch as got us no where ! Think we r going to back off and let her get on with it .As long as DD sticks to a few house rules .thanks again we are greatful ... yo mumsnet

[alfiesbabe]

18 isnt a huge gap, particularly as a 16 year old girl is likely to be at least as emotionally mature as a boy of 18.
Maybe she was hiding him because he's special? My dd didn't rush to introduce her bf and he's lovely - full of life, dynamic, hard working and lovely looking . Parents are a real embarrassment for most kids of 16 (even the cool parents) so it's probably quite normal that she kept quiet at first.
I'm sure backing off a bit will have the desired effect.

[PersephoneSnape]

am just thankful he isn't in his mid thirties! (as I'm sure you are!)

[lucyellensmum]

ok rowe, im going to bite the bullet here (welcome to mumsnet by the way) but maybe you should have "the talk" with her. It will be toe curlingly embarrasing of course and she will writhe and squirm in her chair and scream "ooohhh mmuum" at you, or possibly even storm out. But maybe it is time to offer to take her along to the local family planning clinic, just to discuss her options with the nurse, you can wait outside, or just make the appointment for her, let her know you are ok to talk about it. I know its a awful thing to contemplate but its better than the alternative.

Im mad as a snake with DD just now (she wants a tattoo on her neck - grrrr) but i am happy that she is set up with contraception and that she feels she can talk to me about any issues with it. It took a while for her to be able to do this, but at least it is one thing less for her to think about.

It is actually really common for a teen to drop out of college, its not imo a big deal, my dd did it, but i suspect she will go back. I left school without a single qualification, but i went back as a mature student - it has been suggested to me by DDs old tutor that when she has matured a little she will be ready for college. So it is not the end of the world - better if she stays of course, but dont despair.

[alfiesbabe]

LEM you talk so much sense!
I agree that these days more than ever there are many routes into higher education and a career, and I'd prefer my DCs to take some time out and then maybe study a bit later when they choose to rather than just following the herd. You obviously did very well for yourself - if i remember you have a PhD?
I was horrified when my dd decided to get a piercing (just below lip- ouch) but actually it suits her and I think I'd really miss it if she took it out now!

[allytjd]

Has it occurred to you that this might actually be a serious relationship with a future? I met my husband when we were both 16 and have been together for nearly 25 years and have three kids. We did split up for a while around the time I was sitting Highers(scottish a-level equiv') which i suppose was quite convenient in that it saved my parents nagging me about studying but we got back together and our relationship didn't stop either of us going to uni. I would only worry if she seems to be downgrading her ambitions or plans for the future because of the relationship.

[Wisteria]

Back off - it's horrid I know but if you don't you will make it worse and she will end up doing what I did; leaving home at 16, then school, throwing away a promising uni future and having to do it all again, now in my 30's. She may drop out, fail her exams etc but you need to play the nurturing parent now and treat her like a grown up, allow her to make her mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces. If she has to rebel completely to be with her 'true love' then she may never come back to you and always resent you for 'ruining her life' (said in teen high drama fashion )

Had my parents 'allowed' my relationship with my first love - it would probably have taken its natural course and fizzled out. Unfortunately I have never truly gotten over it and still hanker after what might have been.

Try to make friends with this lad and explain to him that her schooling is important - far better to get him on side.

[rowe]

Thanx again to all of you we are so glad you been honest wiyh us i thought my DHjust been soft on her but you are all so right. I have read yore replys and havve sat and ponderd all afternoon. And feek so much better for doing this and getting help really our relasionship was at the end of the line .Have donr " the talk " was realy emarasing !!! but hey ho perhaps its time to get our{dh and me} socal life back on track its bin a long time since we went out together thanx again!!!!!

[Wisteria]

It's funny isn't it? - I can sit here and read about your daughter and see it completely impartially, as if she is a grown up, remembering my own emotion at her age - but it is so hard with our own children.....

My dd1 is now 14 and a half and I can't imagine how I'll react when it's my turn....no doubt I shall come on here and get some sense and perspective

[lucyellensmum]

don't take ANY notice of me, i blatantly know nothing about this mothering lark - DD1 just had huge neck tattoo done - ooops

[rowe]

omy LUCYELLENSMUM how old is she

[Pimmpom]

Aww LEMum hope you feel a bit better today about it all.

Give me a naughty toddler any day. Easy peasy compared to bloody teenagers........

[Wisteria]

LEM , do you like it at all? Hope she doesn't regret it......

[lucyellensmum]

she is 17 it does suit her, she has some peircings and it goes but, still, on her neck FFS.

Pimmpom, i agree, i have a two year old too - peice of cake