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Mixed sleepovers for 12/13 yrs olds

(32 Posts)
DesperateDad Sun 05-Dec-04 19:54:28

Where do you begin.. our daughter will be 13 in a few weeks and wants to have (and go to) mixed sleepovers.

Although we would rather not.. hosting one is less of a problem for obvious reasons.

Because our daughter has to travel to the local town for school (where there are at least 4 or 5 other schools) she is meeting many children who we know nothing about. We only just found out about a boyfriend (of 8 weeks) who is having a birthday sleepover. Not knowing him or his family makes us enclined to decline.

We dont want to be control freaks but think if we let go now it sets a precedent for later.

It doesnt help that the boys all seem to look like chavs... and of course the last thing you want to do is offend someone other parents by saying she cant go.

This is very new ground for us and we're not coping very well at present. We'd be interested to know what other parents feel who are (or have been) in the same position.

JanH Sun 05-Dec-04 20:00:03

I think if you're going to say no to going, you also have to say no to hosting, otherwise people may well take offence.

FWIW I would (and have) definitely say no at this age - I know the acceptable age for this kind of thing seems to be coming down all the time but even so, you have to draw a line somewhere.

Tell her she can have a mixed party by all means, and stay up later than usual if necessary, but if she wants a sleepover it has to be girls only, regardless of what other parents do.

JoolsTide Sun 05-Dec-04 20:01:04

best not get into the 'chav' thing iykwim but all I can say is if it were my daughter I'm afraid I wouldn't allow it - even if the boys were very polite, very nice and trustworthy - it'd still be a no! (but then I'm another generation so maybe that has a bearing )

thinks kids grow up far too quickly these days and I don't see any reason to help them on their way!

jingleballs Sun 05-Dec-04 20:04:33

I wasn't allowed to even share a bed in my parent's house until I was married, and having boys to stay.... well forget it, (i'm only 22 as well) thwey had to meet every one who came over, (girls were allowed of course) boys were not allowed upstairs at all. I don't think ur being control freaks, just responsible parents.

christmasfairy Sun 05-Dec-04 20:17:02

I would say no too. I let my 13 year old daughter have boys in her room but she has to keep the door open and she respects that. I would definately draw the line at letting them sleep over and vice versa though.

KateandtheElves Sun 05-Dec-04 20:18:07

No way, not at that age.

DesperateDad Sun 05-Dec-04 21:48:23

We have talked to our daughter about this. Her reaction is very much "Im only 12 what to do you think Im going to do?" We do trust her and she is very sensible. There is also a certain amount of peer pressure because her friend are allowed to do this.

It could be that nonone wants to be the only person to say no and look prudish.

Regarding age.. We were thinking the reverse. When they are very young there is no issue. Its only as they start to develop physically that you start to wonder.

If we said said no, we'd probably have to ban all sleepovers because she might just lie (or withhold key facts).

We want to say no... but also want to be reasonable parents too.

This is a nightmare

DesperateDad Sun 05-Dec-04 21:53:04

One thing we must point out... we're talking sleepovers here.... not sleeping together.

Usually this amounts to staying up late, watching tv and falling asleep in a heap on chairs, floor etc.

If she ever asked for a B/F to sleep in her bed(or vice versa) that would be a no at any age!!!

JanH Sun 05-Dec-04 21:58:06

Some 12-13 yr olds are much older than others...I helped out at a friend's daughter's 13th birthday party once (9 years ago in fact, so it's not new) and was quite astonished at how tall and advanced many of them were. The party was in a village hall, so they all went home afterwards, but some slow dancing (lights off) went on amongst some of them and I think there was a certain amount of creeping outside for a snog.

Your judgment will be much sounder than hers!

dawniejinglebellbop1 Sun 05-Dec-04 22:04:22

Unfortunately I would say No Way! My neighbours daughter from across the road is 11 years old and she spends a lot of time here coz she loves my dd and she chats away to me and some of the things she says really bothers me. She plays 'Spin the Bottle' and has done some very sexual things as part of the game . Unfortunately some of them are experimenting with very adult games at that age

Berchta Sun 05-Dec-04 22:53:05

no. never. you may trust your daughter implicitly however they do act differently around their peers, if her peers are all playing a dodgy game of "truth dare kiss command or promise" then she would have to be very strong willed not to participate and therefore unwittingly get herself into a situation that she wouldn't usually.

JoolsTide Sun 05-Dec-04 23:02:45

if you WANT to say 'no' say 'no' you are the guiding hand not Mr Popular (although I'm sure you are ).

Kids are sometimes quite secretly relieved when parents say 'no' to them (or so I'm told ). I'm not saying this is the case here but sometimes they feel peer pressure to do things and when they can confidently say 'mum and dad won't allow it' it takes the pressure of them.

turquey Sun 05-Dec-04 23:18:41

No way would I let her go to one. I might consider hosting one, just to see what actually goes on, but quite honestly can't see why they need them? Girlie sleepovers are one thing, this just sounds slobby and unneccessary, if it's really as innocent as they say.
I agree with Jools, they often are quite relieved to have the pressure taken off them by being able to say "Mum and dad won't let me".

cranberryjampot Sun 05-Dec-04 23:20:39

My dd is 11.5 and there is no way I would allow her to host or go to a mixed sleepover. I think if she asked me she would be relieved that i would say no.

Christmassbee Sun 05-Dec-04 23:24:33

Message withdrawn

mikeyjon Mon 06-Dec-04 00:28:50

it'd be a definate no from me. your daughter is trustworthy etc but as you say you don't know many of the others. you'll probably be the bad guy for a while but only because you care. i was never allowed to have boys stay over or even to go upstairs. i was also not allowed to stay at any lads houses - i was still in bed by 8.30 too!

although, at least your daughter has told you that its a mixed sleep over - good for her.

somebody said about having a party and staying up later. that sounds like a good idea

happymerryberries Mon 06-Dec-04 06:33:38

I would say no. I'm sure that you dd is wonderful and I'm sure most of her friends are too, but it only takes the odd one to make things change! Most of the kids I teach of that age are fine, but there are some that I wouldn't trust as far as I can throw an anvil!

Gobbledigoose Mon 06-Dec-04 06:42:32

A resounding 'no chance' from me!

tigermoth Mon 06-Dec-04 06:44:28

How about this? say your dd can go on girls only sleepovers as long as you know the parents of the host and as long as you or your partner can ppersonally drop her off and pick her up. I don't know if she would want to use public transport to get to and from the party by herself, but say this is a no no. Tell your dd you will also phone up the host's parents to have a quick chat about arrangements, (and find out if it really is a single sex gathering) and also ask what time everyone is arriving.

Whatever time that is, say sorry, your dd will have to arrive later than that - you can't drop her off any earlier. When you do drop your daughter off (an hour or so after the start of the sleepover), hopefully the party will be in full swing. You could linger chatting to the host's parents for a minute while you discreetly check out the other guests.

Don't know if this is workable but that's what I'd do if possible.

I think it's a good idea to host some girls sleepovers at your house, as then you will get to know your dd's female friends better and have a clearer idea if they are all ok and trustworthy in groups.

DesperateDad Mon 06-Dec-04 07:35:07

Oh well... the "no" message was delivered this morning and WWIII ensued.

It would seem that "everyone elses parents said yes" Although I suspect every other set of parents is getting the same "everyone else says its OK" bombardment. Probably the same people who let their 8yr olds play 18cert playstation games!!

Thanks for the all feedback.

happymerryberries Mon 06-Dec-04 07:39:15

Tell her life is unfair and she may as well learn it now as later

The 'everyone line is, I am convinced, a load of toffee, usless your dd's friends are all the product of hippie love children! And I am sure that they are not! Remember we are not our children's friends we are much more important than that.

Berchta Mon 06-Dec-04 10:25:52

i get that line a lot - "well everyone else is allowed to play out after its dark" or whatever. i always reply with " well i love you more than thier mums do"

Berchta Mon 06-Dec-04 10:26:32

HMB well put!

StNickschik Mon 06-Dec-04 11:35:15

Oh dear, you are going to be BigBadDad for a while then! - but don't feel too guilty and try to make it up to her too quickly as she will suss you out and will lose respect for you. What a minefield and an issue I'm not looking forward to dealing with myself in 10 years time but IMO you did the right thing! If my dh has his way our dd will probably never leave the house and if she does she will have a tracker device strapped to her leg!!! Hopefully only joking!!! Credit to your dd for actually telling you though - shows you're doing something right!!! Are you able to meet any of the parents of her new friends and sound then out at all? would the party have been supervised and what were the ground rules?
I agree with your point about the age thing - when is the right age for a mixed sleepover? Personally at that age I wouldn't have wanted the boys around anyway - things were much more fun with the girls. OK that changed later (and I am now nearly 40!) but still ...! The older they are and the more puberty kicks in the more you would and should worry about the potential for something happening. Peer pressure at that age is a very dangerous thing - we must all remember how it was?
All I can say is good luck and don your bullet proof vest and helmet until the flak dies down!
Somebody once told me that you're not supposed to be friends with your kids - they look to you for guidance and support and need a certain amount of boundaries and rules - otherwise how can they learn what's right and wrong if they have no examples. Don't know if this is total crap as our dd is still only a toddler!

mumeeee Tue 07-Dec-04 16:02:23

No I wouldn't allow it. I have 3 girls aged 12, 15 and 17 and they have never been to sleepovers but never a mixed one. In fact they have never asked I think its just not done around here

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