My 14 year old is considering sex to get her old boyfriend back!

[StressedMom]

have recently figured out that my daughter is trying to get her old boyfriend back by suggesting they have sex. She is desperate to be with him as his girlfriend and I think she will do anything at this point. He is also 14 and even more immature than her. I know they have engaged in sexual acts but not intercourse (she does not know I know this!) I need advise on what to tell her to open her eyes to what she is doing. She is obsessed with this boy. They converse online constantly and talk all night on her cell (thinking I don't know). I have found letters from both of them to each other that lets me know they are doing sexual acts. Please help! I think he is waiting for someone else to come along that is why he is stringing her along. I can't understand the teenage concept of 'friends with benefits' moto. (having sex with your 'friend' not always a boy/girl friend.)

[cardigan]

SM - if you can't stop could you ensure she has contraceptive advice. Is there anyone nearer her age she looks up to that can talk to her about this?

[janeybops]

Try talking to her - hopefully it will be so embarassing for her it might put her off???

[janeybops]

Has she not heard of treat them mean to keep them keen????

[hatter]

have no experience of teenagers so disregard as you see fit. But would say two things - firstly that I agree with cardigan - you must find a way to ensure that she knows the score, when it comes to contraception and that she can get it. But secondly is there anything you can do to take her mind off him. Does she have low self esteem at the moment? Is there something you can do to give her a boost and try to help her see that she's wonderful as she is, and doesn't need this boy, or to have sex with him? I'm not sure what. A good shopping spree just her and her mum? a push to take up a new activity that she would enjoy? the opportunity to go away with/go and stay with some different friends? Not sure if that's remotely feasible/practical advice but it's a thought. good luck

[dawnie1]

Oh stressedmum what a terrible situation to be in. I think you need to make sure she uses contraception, I know thats the last thing you want to hear, if she really wants him back(and I'm sure we all remember our 1st love and we'd do anything for him)then you can't prevent her sleeping with him . I can't believe I'm saying this but if she loves him then she will sleep with him. Could you sit down one to one and talk about safe sex.

PS - I would want to kill him but at 14 her feelings are very strong and you neeed to make sure whatever she does is safe. I'm no help whatsoever.

[Tortington]

you need to talk if you have tried a nice talk try a factual one try telling her that when she gets pregant your not putting up with a baby in your house - where is she going to live? with a boyfriend who is barely inerestedin her, who is going to pay the bills - give a run down of your bills - tell her how much she will need to earn to barely survive with a child minus birthday and xmas pressies - which she wont be able to afford. tell her how hard it is to get a job with no education and macdonalds is going to be her best choice, try telling her about AIDS and vaginal warts and other STD's.

Then tell her about class. being classy is not linked to how much money or how big your house is, being classy is a state of being. that is a boy want to go out and get fucked they have plenty to chose from - but they always want what they cant have.

in the uk there is the teenage preganancy unit with statistics and plenty of information for you - about how depressed teenagers get , how many are in poverty, lack of support, relationship breakdown, educational achievements or lack of.

finally get her on the pill

[dawnie1]

Custardo, her dd is 14, would you have listened to that type of conversation when you were 14, I would have thought 'Yeah Right, but That Won't Happen to Me'. They think they are so wise at 14 that they won't listen to sense (and sense is what you say). She'll sit there looking bored while her mum rants on and she will still go on and sleep with him - come on, you must remember your 1st love, adults talk sh*t according to teens). Yes, she needs the Pill but also condoms, but as a mother, I would seriously hate the boyfriend but what can you do??????

[Tortington]

get your point dawnie. my ds is 15 yesterday told him about the CSA, told him to ask for condoms, told him whatever job he gets if he has a kid - even if he doesnt see that kid he will be paying out of his wages for the next 16 years. told him all this as i was emptying the bin is wasnt a lecture or a rant - i was giving him information to think about.

we give this informatin out allt he time just odd comments here and there like if you get a gilr pregnant your moving out and looking after your child even at 15.

they all know mum doesnt like babies and wont do babysitting and that kind of support is not available.

my son knows about STD's, he was telling me about the sex ed class he had in school so some of it goes in - but none of it will if the information isnt given at all.

it was just another piece of advice to be taken or left. everyone knows their child best, we have these talks a lot due to me being teenage mum and life being forever harder thereafter. its something i dont want my children to do.
i am lucky in that our house has an open environemnt where these issues can be mentioned rather than lectured on. the method is your own to decide according to your household and your child. we chose the "its no big deal" approach aand thats why these conversations occure whilst i am emptying the bin or feeding the dog.

[dawnie1]

Custardo, thats definately the way it should be. I think its better in the open.

I could NEVER talk to my parents about sex. I'm sure they still think I am a virgin despite being married with a dd. "Immaculate Conception"

Still, I worry for stressedmums dd, she will do it, she needs to know about protection (as we all did, but ignored)

[lilibet]

I first had sex at 14, and am sat here now at 41, panicking at the thought of my 16 year old daughter having sex. Short of locking her up and staying with her 24 hours a day you can't stop her. Sad but true. Put her on the pill if need be and make sure she knows about condoms (but then again, what 14 year old doesn't) It will be a wrong choice in her life, but we have all made wrong choices and hopefully we learn from them. This all sounds very harsh and unfeeling, but my sympathies are with you 100%. She is still a child, but in our society 14 year olds don't behave like children For f*s sake 12 year olds don't act like children - it's not necassarily the parents fault - we do what we can. You can support her and love her and tell her what is right and wrong but once she has that information and makes a choice it is not your fault if she makes the wrong choice. Loads of hugs coming your way. xx Lili

[bonym]

StressedMom, I do feel for you - I am sure I will have all this to come when dd hits teenage years and am not looking forward to it. I think you have had some good advice from others and don't really have a lot to add, but what no-one has mentioned (and often seems to be overlooked these days) is that no matter how mature someone thinks they are at 14, sex is illegal at this age. I think if it was my dd I would stress this (although of course may have no effect whatsoever, depending on the individual). If you feel this is too heavy-handed and may not deter her at all
you could also try explaining to her how a relationship changes once you have sex with someone - how you can't really be "just friends" any more, and if her ex really cares for her, sex wouldn't even be an issue. Sorry - this is all just obvious stuff and probably no help - hope you manage to resolve it.

[fostermum]

yes i agree with making sure that contraception is in place, i casually leave a half empty pack of condoms in bathroom cabnet{wouldnt take them if it was full pack in case we knew that they had taken them ha kids!}and other then that try and get to know the boy more get her to invite him round my girls would never think of being with some one i liked!not cool at all

[winnie1]

Stressedmom, agree with others; you have to talk to your daughter (or if you can't have you got a friend/sister/other adult who your daughter has a good relationship with?) Personally, I think your dilemna is twofold as you have found out about this partly by reading things which are private (I am not making any judgements here.) You have to make sure your dd never knows you did this as I think this would undermine anything you are trying to teach her. Your daughter will at some point have sex but you need to instill in her confidence and self esteem to do it for the right reasons. Perhaps you could start a general conversation about teenage pregnancies (for instance) and ask her why she thinks this happens and why she thinks young people have sex at an early age, at which point you can make your suggestions as to which circumstances might be appropriate.

HTH, good luck

[Catbert]

You could tell her the facts from a 14 year old boy's point of view. He will of course take her up on her offer (esp. if he loses his virginity too) He'll be rubbish - it'll all be over in a matter on seconds, he won't really care if it hurts her or not (and it probably will, without the caring element), and he will be gagging to go and tell all his mates the moment he's "finished". He'll be seen as the "stud" and she'll be regarded as "easy".

Does she really want all his mates sniggering at her afterwards, and possibly even trying it on with her themselves?

[zephyrcat]

My sister is about to turn 14 and she told me last week that her friend has 'done it'. I asked her if she had and she promised she hadn't. I have found the best way to talk to them and to get them to talk to you is to talk then like a mate - not an adult!! My mum tries to tell her all the facts etc and sister doesnt listen to a word. I make light of it but at the same time get the point accross and it works everytime. I would do exactly what catbert says - she will understand and listen to that more than a lecture on pregnancy/contraception/std's (although obviously still make sure she knows about those)

[winnie1]

I would like to point out that talking as an adult does not mean lecturing & imho a parent trying to be a 'mate' to a teenager sends out confusing messages. zephyrcat, it is good that you can talk to your sister I do think that another trusting adult who has the teenagers welfare at heart is a good alternative.

[StressedMom]

Thank you all for your advise. I have taken alot of the info and put it all together. Wish me luck!!!

[Spacecadet]

good luck with this stressedmom, im prob not in the best position to give advice about teen girls at the mo as am having severe probs with my own 13 year old, however its a difficult situation as I know from when I was 14 that she will ignore everything you say and sleep with him anyway, trying to warn him off wont work either it will just make him seem more attarctive if she is banned from seeing him.I dont think its a good idea to go on the pill though as it suddenly makes it ok to sleep with him and she is still at risk from stds, you could try telling her though that once hes slept with her he will dump her, obviously and then he will spread it around that shes easy and her mates wont talk to her anymore and the only other boys that will be interested in her will be scum bags that just want a quick jump.I found with my teen that while I was preg with 4 month old dd watching a graphic childbirth prog on discovery seems to have put her off sex for the time being!! You could always try that.

[hollybet]

StressedMom, how's it going? what happened?