Chores for 15 year old

[copperpotsalot]

Tell me what chores your 15 year olds do?

Mine suffers with depression and anxiety and doesn't go to school at the moment but she does get out of bed and do other things so she's not bed bound.

I'm not working at the moment and I've fallen in to doing everything. This week she made dinner one night but that is the only contribution to the house plus made loads of mess that I had to tidy. I'm doing everything else even down to emptying the bath. She does occasionally bring plates out to the kitchen (occasionally) but they've never made it in to the sink nor the food scraps in to the bin.

How can I sort this out? I feel like an unpaid servant. I got told off today for not having done the washing yesterday when she asked me to because now she has no clean jeans to wear.

I'm about to lose my rag!

[BackforGood]

I think yours is a very unusual situation and quite different from most people though.
If two people are at home all day, (and not looking after a baby, or wfh), then obviously everything that needs doing ought to be shared equally between those two people.
That doesn't necessarily mean turn and turn about - one might love cooking and the other might hate it (or gardening or doing the laundry or whatever), but it ought to equal fair distribution of labour.
Not that I can see there is a huge amount to actually do if that is all both of you are doing.

However, depression is an odd thing. It affects people differently. None of us know how it is affecting your dd, or what is happening to get her back to school or into alternative education. None of us know if this is a deep, clinical depression that actually means getting out of bed is a huge step, or, OTOH, if she is a teen just not wanting to do much. We can't tell that.

[copperpotsalot]

You're right there's not huge amounts to do. I think that's why I've fallen in to the habit of doing everything as I clearly physically have the time... it's more the fact that I'm not a servant and living to serve another person and do all their picking up, cleaning, clearing, cooking, washing etc. Feels really really crap.

Her anxiety is school related, she's waiting for a place at a specialist school so until that happens we're both at home. She's goes out and sees friends and stuff so in my mind if she can do that then she can help at home

[copperpotsalot]

Basically she's telling me NONE of her friends do their own washing or do anything around the house

[gemalou04]

My daughter is 15 and she has chores to do I find it really interesting what other parents expect from their kids,my daughter takes out any recycling,she unloads the dishwasher each morning before school and I expect her to keep her room tidy at all times,she gets £20 a month for doing her chores but I have written down some other little tasks she could do just to help out in our busy household!

[copperpotsalot]

Thanks @gemalou04 how do you get them to happen? I've been thinking about a rota... or does she just know they're her jobs and does them?

[Pashazade]

She does her own washing or she doesn't have clean clothes, she makes her own breakfast and lunch and clears way afterwards if not she doesn't get dinner. Keep it simple.

[copperpotsalot]

Okay, that's a good start. we've also agreed on hoovering every other day.

[Trayble]

My nearly 15 year old tidies and dusts her bedroom and changes her bedding weekly and puts her clean clothes away.
She alternates with her brother to help me clean up the kitchen after dinner.
Other than that she looks after her younger sister if I need her to and waters my plants for me at weekends if I'm in work.
She knows how to work the washing machine and will put a wash on for me or hang it up if I'm at work

Every so often we'll have a big team blitz of the house but the above are the only set rules.
If I worked full time I'd probably ask her to do more but I can manage the rest currently.

[UserAtRandom]

Not the point, but does hoovering really need doing every other day with just 2 of you there?
My 15 year old keeps her own room tidy, lays the table and clears up every other day (alternates with brother), cooks once a fortnight and does a "bigger" cleaning job like hoovering once a week at the weekend.
She also gets her own breakfast and lunch every day.
We have house rules that you put things in the dishwasher if you've used them and they are not left in rooms. Also I do all the washing but I only wash clothes that are in the dirty washing basket. I also don't iron, so if you want something ironed you do it yourself.

I think it will be tricky if she's not used to it, but mine are in a routine of doing it now.

[gemalou04]

@copperpotsalot

Thanks *@gemalou04* how do you get them to happen? I've been thinking about a rota... or does she just know they're her jobs and does them?

Well she either does it or she doesn't get her pocket money,when talking to her friends they get given a lot more to do I.e do their own washing,run hoover round,hang washing out on line and put rubbish in bins outside,as my daughter is nearly 16 I need to give her more chores to do as she gets very bored easily and with that she gets irritable so I need to keep her busy!

[copperpotsalot]

Thanks.

I've been hoovering twice a week but it does feel like it needs it twice as much as that. We've got cream carpets, not ideal!

[WeAllHaveWings]

Ds(17) doesn't has never had set chores he just helps out with whatever need done when he is about, does things like dishwasher, helping with dinner, stripping beds putting in machine or towels in machine, hangs out washing, always takes plates/glasses to kitchen and offers to take others, mid week shopping, keeps own room clean and tidy, recycling, putting out bins, feeding dog, walking dog, vacuuming etc. The only things he doesn't really do is full bathroom clean (that's his dads chore 🤣), or dusting. Helps with basic decorating/painting.

He does need directed what needs doing, but does it without any bother. Start them young to get into the habit would be my best advice to anyone so it becomes normal, but a bit late here.

[copperpotsalot]

@WeAllHaveWings yea I wish upon wish I'd started earlier!! Your DS sounds ace

[TheresHope]

My 16yo does all her own washing (her choice, I would be happy to do it but she likes to do it herself), changes her own sheets etc.

She looks after her brother one weekend night per week and cleans the kitchen, folds all the washing, vacuums and does the bathrooms. In exchange I pay her $80pm phone bill and she gets $50pw pocket money.

Sometimes it’s a bit hit and miss as she’s still 16 and 16yos are generally lazy, but she likes money so it’s mostly done.

[Mrgrinch]

Her own washing
Maintains her bedroom
Washing up
Makes her own breakfast and lunch (if you cook a family meal at night)

That's the bare minimum in my opinion.

[Saracen]

It's really tough to know; as @BackforGood says. Depression and anxiety affects people differently, and the fact you are able to do it all complicates matters too as there is no obvious immediate NEED for your DD to do anything.

I'm in a slightly similar situation, with a 21yo student who has lived at home off and on this year due to Covid and needing extra support for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I also have a disabled teen who is relatively easy to look after, and no other responsibilities. I'm always second-guessing myself as to how much I should expect my eldest to do. I swing between being wanting to do as much as possible so they can have a more nearly normal life, and thinking that I may be doing them no favours in the long run if they don't gain more experience of looking after themselves now even if that means they don't have the energy for much other than coursework and contributing to the housework.

Then because the condition is variable, I can't expect them to do anything regular: "cook dinner every Wednesday" doesn't work if they have crashed out on that day. But what if they crashed out because they chose to spend the whole afternoon out with a friend? But shouldn't they be able to go out and see a friend just like other young people do?

It's tough.

[copperpotsalot]

@Saracen thank you, yes that's exactly how I feel.

As much as they're "different" they're still teenagers and I know sometimes she is able to do stuff to help, but would rather not!