Is this self harm behaviour - DS making himself sick?

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

Ds (14) is lactose intolerant. He was diagnosed with this when he was about 10, after he had a bad stomach bug wiped out his lactase enzymes, and since then, anything diary based and eggs have given him stomach upset. we cut dairy and eggs from his diet and he has been fine ever since.

Fast forward to recently, since around mid January he had been complaining of belly pains, started out a couple times a week, but past few weeks it’s been more regular, sometimes even daily. He has not been wanting to engage with the virtual school or homework (this is an issue from last year, home schooling has been a complete uphil struggle) and has just wanted to watch you tube, play Xbox walk the dog, and the moment school gets mentioned he says he can’t do it because he has belly ache. He is obviously going back to school next week, but this week has been saying he can’t go back because he is worried he will have belly ache at school and will keep having to go the loo all the time, so he said he is not going to go.

This morning, I had to pop out to the pharmacy, (was walking) DS was already out walking the dog - which he does every morning. I bumped into DS, and saw in his hand he was drinking a Frij (I think?) chocolate milkshake. He tried to hide it behind his back but I called him out on it, and asked him why he was drinking that when he knows milk makes him sick and he has been having stomach problems recently. He mumbled some rubbish about he just went to the shop and fancied this and that he “forgot” it had milk in it

I came back and told DH and he has told me that he had also seen DS drinking that several times but DH had not realised it was milk. He said DS had told him it was non-dairy, but the description matched the Frij milkshake I saw him with this morning.

So basically, it seems that for the past six weeks of so, DS has been going out each morning with the dog, buying a milkshake and drinking it - knowing full well it will upset his stomach - and then complaining of having stomach aches - it’s like he is deliberately making himself sick!

I have no idea why he would be doing this and I’m thinking that this is like a form of self harm and that it might be a sign of a deeper issue? Or maybe I’m over thinking this? I don’t know how to approach him about it and talk about it today.

He has had a lot of issues with anxiety with school, he went through a period of being reluctant to go to school before Covid had even started, there have been some issues with bullying which we addressed last term (him being the bully)- just giving this background so not to drip feed later if it becomes relevant. But generally there’s no other signs of self harm, he has friends he talks to online, he generally seems ok in himself apart from when he is complaining of belly ache, so why he would want to deliberately make himself sick is beyond me?!

I had tried to look online but all I could find was stuff about bulimia, but he eats well so I don’t think it’s eating disorder.

Can anyone offer me some advice please?

[WhoWants2Know]

How do you respond when he has a tummy ache? Do you let him off school or expect him to carry on and do what he can?

[Wolfiefan]

Is he trying to make himself sick enough to avoid going back to school? Anxiety?

[imalmostthere]

I wouldn't say that's self harm, it sounds like he's just trying to make himself sick so he doesn't have to go to school or do homework. It's obviously not making him seriously ill or he wouldn't be doing it everyday, just enough to get him a pass to do what he likes.
You need to tell him you're aware of what he's doing, and that he will be going to school and will be fine as he will be no longer buying milkshakes. And that you'll be walking the dog with him until you can trust him not to do this again.

[Embracelife]

There is your answer

"He has had a lot of issues with anxiety..."

Address the anxiety did he see a therapist before? Will he agree to talk to one?

[OverTheRubicon]

Are you absolutely sure that he's lactose and egg intolerant? It's quite common to have transient intolerance after a bad stomach isshe and then it passes over time (I had that after e coli and after 6 months was back to cheese and yoghurt and by 9 months could handle cereal with milk without issues).

The reason I say this is that it could be that he's making himself sick, or it could be that he's increasingly having these things and also anxious about school...

Realise it's not that helpful and there's a lot to.untangle - does he have an outside adult he could talk to more openly, maybe a grandparent or even a counsellor?

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

@WhoWants2Know I’ve been being concerned and sympathetic and offering him peppermint tea, I’ve tried to encourage him to still log into school which he does most of the time but he just doesn’t engage with it. I’ve asked him if he wants to see a doctor but he has always said no. I have told him that he will have to go to school next week and that if his belly aches are going to be a problem we need to go to the doctor but he just got difficult with me and said he was not going back next week because he would not be well.

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

@Wolfiefan yes, it’s always worse on weekdays - hardly ever has any pain on weekends. He is not refusing to log in to school completely but it’s been a struggle but when logged in he won’t engage and do the work because he says he feels sick.
He used to try and get out of school a lot previously. Not been great ever since secondary school. But it seemed to be getting better

[Flippyferloppy]

You need to tell him you know he has been making himself and that you need to get to the bottom of it. School isn't optional.
Sounds to me like he has developed anxiety about going back and this is his escape route. He may need professional help to deal with things. I suggest you raise it with the GP

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

@imalmostthere, that is what DH is saying, but I am worried there might be a deeper issue for why he is doing this because he’s never done this before. His past reasons for not wanting to go to school used to be mainly teachers he didn’t get on with, lessons he didn’t like or thought he wasn’t good at. School put a lot of work to change a lot of his teachers around and things seemed to improve. He has also had an issue with bullying as I mentioned before - he was picking on some other kids in his year but this was dealt with, he had consequences from school and DH and I.

[Lampzade]

He is anxious about going back to school and is therefore making himself sick.
My academic , outgoing Dd is anxious too.

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

@Embracelife - he hasn’t seen a therapist, he was offered school Counsellor in year 8 before covid happened but he did one session and didn’t want to do anymore. Last term after the bullying stuff he was given a mentor for 6 weeks. like a youth worker who came in a did some things with him fir an hour a week which he seemed to really like but this was limited sessions.

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

@OverTheRubicon he was diagnosed lactose and egg intolerant by the GP when he was 10, we haven’t gone back to GP about it, as until now he has been fine, in a non dairy and non egg diet.



Thank you for your responses, I know there are anxiety issues but I don’t know how I can address these?

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

Sorry @OverTheRubicon I realise you asked me if he has anyone to talk to. Apart from me and DH and his sibling not really, he has had a mentor at school in the autumn term but this was for 6 weeks.

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

@Flippyferloppy should I raise it with the school? I have a feeling he is going to refuse to talk to GP

[Yebanksandbraes]

Definitely speak to school. Tell them everything. They will have lots of kids with anxiety about returning and will do everything they can to help him transition back to the school environment. Schools often have access to counselling services and all sorts of support. They can put a plan in place to help him.

[Yebanksandbraes]

Also, are you able to talk to him about which aspects of school he finds difficult eg is it the academic work, the other students, the teachers, the pressured environment, the sheer numbers of people, the expectations, the difficulty of navigating friendships as a teenage boy, status, societal expectations, particular lessons eg PE. There are a lot of potential stresses in a school, if you could narrow them down by discussing it in a non-judgmental and open-minded way, that might help.

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

I tried to speak to the school this afternoon but head of year wasn’t available, so they told me to call on Monday, which is when he is going back, if he goes.

I’ve been in meetings the rest of the time this afternoon but DH told me that DS came out and told him he felt sick around lunch time (he didn’t know I told his dad about the milkshake this morning) and DH challenged him and told him what do you expect if you drink a whole milkshake and apparently he got shirty and there was an argument and hasn’t come out of his bedroom since so I doubt very much he was doing his afternoon lessons.
I’m going to try and talk to him this evening but not sure really how to approach it.

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

I’ll try and talk to him to find out exactly what is making him anxious but DH and I are not good at this, and previously when we have tried to talk about stuff with him he always ends up shutting down

[Yebanksandbraes]

Make sure school take it seriously and get him all the support he needs. They mustn't dismiss his needs just because he had been involved in bullying previously. They should know that bullying is an indicator that someone isn't happy and secure. Could the youth worker offer more sessions. Make sure school know you are really concerned. He might recover by himself but he may need extra help to stop things deteriorating further over the next few years. Good luck

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

Hi just an update for those who gave me some advice,
DH and I attempted to chat with DS over weekend, didn’t really go well if I’m honest, but he was clear that he didn’t want to go back to school. Tried to get to bottom of it. Turns out he is no longer friends with a group he used to be friends with, not exactly sure why but seems to have been a few Snapchat and Xbox live stuff. Mentioned it to school Monday. He didn’t go in Monday because we absolutely could not get him to go, managed to get him in Tuesday but he refused the covid lateral flow test. School had him in the office and had a chat with him Tuesday morning, today head of year called me and said that he has been speaking with some other students and my DS has been named as one of students involved in cyberbullying incident recently which they are investigating. This is same issue we had last September so we are going around in circles but DS is insisting that he was not involved and is refusing to talk about it.
As far as his belly goes - I’ve confiscated his contactless card for a week so he’s not been going to shops to get the milkshake, but he has still been in and out the toilet quite a lot and refusing dinner so we are thinking now it may anxiety rather than the milk unless he is getting milkshake on his dinner-card at school.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. I’m dreading tomorrow because never before have we had 4 straight days of a tantrum before school each morning and I am tempted to give in.

[imalmostthere]

Was he involved in online bullying before? As in he was doing the bullying, or being bullied?

[PickAChew]

You have 2 separate issues, here.

His anxiety is obvious and needs to be addressed.

Also, he may actually be craving dairy. He should be fine with lactofree products. If they still upset his stomach, then it's not the lactose.

[PickAChew]

And just seen your update. Definitely needs to be addressed. Whatever has happened, he is never going to be able to move on until it is out in the open - whether he is guilty of being a shit or is being framed as being a shit.

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

@imalmostthere

Was he involved in online bullying before? As in he was doing the bullying, or being bullied?

He was the bully a few months ago but it was dealt with and stopped, and one of the kids he had been unkind to he actually became mates with in the end. He is completely insisting that he is not involved this time around but apparently some other students have given his name as being one of the bullies this week. There’s been some issue with his friends as he seems to have broken away from a friend group during this lockdown which I was unaware of until this week.

[WhoTookAllTheGoodNames]

@PickAChew - actually that’s a good point, I’m going to get some lacto-free things in next shop.

He won’t talk about anything school related any further, totally shut down so I’m just leaving it with school now to be honest to see if they can get to the bottom of it. It’s like he has gone backwards two years in a few months. He says he wants to home educate for the rest of his school life and never return to school but he was hardly doing any online learning anyway so that’s never gonna happen.