15yo wants to stay out late at night

[cathess]

please help. My yr11 daughter who is still 15 wants to stay out late at night, we've just 'upped' the coming home time to 10pm from 9:30pm but she wants to stay out until midnight or later. Her reason is to feel free, to wander as she pleases and to not feel trapped. (Her lockdown reason is that she is exercising). We know she's not meeting anyone since she will see her boyf earlier in the evening and he will go home by 10pm. She has always behaved well, come home on time and she is an outstanding student. We live in a small, very safe town, with little crime. However when we say need her to be home by 10pm in order to relax before sleep, that she needs to be up early to do lessons etc. she just answers stating her exemplary school and behaviour record. The thing is I could not relax if she's out late at night, on her own, even with a phone. Anything could happen to her, she's still a child and I feel she needs to be home, safe at 10pm. (she's also under the care of cahms for an eating disorder and has been self-harming for a few months, none of which she hides). we're waiting on cahms for an assessment of OCD or autism or whatever it is that makes her have episodes of being very distressed when something isn't right or she can't get what she wants. Any advice would be most welcome, many thanks.

[fearfulexchange]

If her boyfriend has to be in by 10pm who would she be with till 12?
Being out at 15 between 10pm - 12am is really dangerous. I wouldn't agree to it. I think 10pm is extremely generous.
Does she expect to be out that night every day of the week?
Or is she just seeing how far she can push you?

[fearfulexchange]

Sorry just re read the end of your thread.
You are right - she needs to be in by 10pm. Stick to your guns.

[FTMF30]

10pm is definitely a reasonable time to be home for a 15yo. I don't understand though, if her boyfriend has to be home at 10pm, does she just want to wander around alone after that?

[cathess]

she just says she wants the freedom to be out whenever she wants to be. She shouts and swears at me saying she feels trapped if she has to be home by 10.
I'm sticking to my guns, shes crying her eyes out in total distress.

[Milkshake7489]

Of course she wants more freedom, she's 15. I wouldn't let her stay out any later than 10pm though... she might fight you on it but she won't be the first or last teen to think that their mum is being unfair.

[FATEdestiny]

saying she feels trapped

Tell her the ways she is NOT trapped. Primarily:

• She can go where she wants 3pm - dinner time.
• She can go where she wants from dinner time -10pm
• She can go out for exercise in her lunch time
• She could get up early and exercise from 6am until school starts, outdoors if she wishes.

(All above with the caveat that she tells you were she is and stays safe)

BUT.. that your rule is home by 10pm and you expect her to respect you enough to follow this rule.

[FATEdestiny]

Incidentally I have a Y11 16 year old daughter. Her curfew is 9.30pm, with the option to negotiate 10.00pm on occasions when she can justify it. But not 10pm routinely. I consider myself a firm but fair parent who isn't too strict, so I think 10pm every time she's out is more than fair on her.

Past 10pm is risky behaviour and I would play on the fact that is a parents job to keep your daughter safe and 11pm or midnight is not safe for a child.

[Rollergirl11]

Just because she “wants to” is not a reasonable argument. It’s dangerous to be out late at night on her own. How “free” will she feel when she’s being attacked or worse?

[Fortyfifty]

I tell my teens it is my job to keep them safe and I'm older and more experienced in being able to make that judgement. I've also used the line ' because that's not what good parents would do' If something happened to her after 10pm, and she was put with your permission, you'd be considered neglectful.

I also think 10pm is generous. I know everyone seems to be letting their teens out as though lockdown doesn't apply to them but she can't arguably be put exercising for that many hours.

It sounds like this stems from her mental health issues though. I hope she gets the help she needs.

[cathess]

thanks everyone. It is her mental health issues, and even though we are in crisis right now, no -one seems to be able to help. Cahms are passing us from one dept to another. regarding staying out, its easy to say, 10pm and that's it, and give our reasons and argue against hers, and i guess other teenagers would be psd off, annoyed stroppy etc but mine doesn't, she has (and is having) a total meltdown

[NovemberR]

Would it help if you explained calmly that her extreme reaction with meltdowns makes you concerned about letting her out even til 10pm at night? Roaming the streets at midnight isn't safe, and 10pm is quite generous.

Her reaction demonstrates that she isn't behaving rationally and you really can't give in and let her do as she likes. No concerned parent would do. How would a 'midnight' agreement stop her feeling trapped at 3am, say? Or is she expecting to wander the streets all night if she feels like it?

[Aquamarine1029]

she just says she wants the freedom to be out whenever she wants to be. She shouts and swears at me saying she feels trapped if she has to be home by 10.

That's just tough shit, isn't it? She's a 15 year old child. Nothing good will come of her wandering the streets until midnight or later. You're the parent, your job is to protect her, even from herself, so the answer is no fucking way.

[Rollergirl11]

She’s having a complete meltdown because she can’t stay out till whenever she likes? Jesus. I wouldn’t entertain any further discussion on the matter. You’ve said no. What will she be demanding next?

[Kerry987]

That really is strange. Wanting to be out until midnight with no particular reason. I would not allow it, something else must be going on. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

The occasional party is fine or staying overnight with a friend you know; but if she is not giving you a reason I would be very worried.

Wandering on the streets alone and feeling free is not a valid reason. Who would want to do that? especially alone? Definitely does not sound right.

[Kerry987]

Can you afford some private therapy? otherwise keep pushing with the GP.

[Enorel]

I'd be tempted to follow her. What on earth is she doing out til midnight in the winter?

[partyatthepalace]

It’s a bit odd OP, what do you think she is doing out at midnight in a small town (under lockdown). She presumably is not just ‘being free’ but with someone.

She sounds like she needs clear boundaries anyway but of course 10pm is quite late enough. Never mind the fact that she won’t tell you what it is she’s intending to do.

[peak2021]

Stick to your guns, the comments about other times when exercising can take place are good ones.

I'd be tempted to make it earlier if complaints continue.

[clpsmum]

My almost 15yo DS is not allowed to stay out until 10! It's hard when she is having a meltdown but the trouble is even if you extend it until midnight (which I definitely don't think you should), how long u til she feels trapped by that and wants to come home at 2am? Don't give in. Maybe ask cahms or community police for support or to have a chat with her about safety?

[CagneyNYPD]

Not a chance. She's 15. If you are in the UK, we are still in some sort of Lockdown so shouldn't be roaming the streets anyway.

No 15 year old, boy or girl, should be roaming the streets until midnight. Doesn't matter if you live in a safe town.

She is pushing the boundaries, as is her right as a 15 year old. Your job is to keep the boundaries in place. If you allow this, what next? Out until 2am in the summer holidays?

Definitely consider private therapy if you can manage it. But definitely worth exploring where does she want to go, with whom and why when she is wanting to be out so late.

[Floralnomad]

I’d be telling her if 10 isn’t suitable then you will change it back to 9:30 , meltdown or not , particularly at the moment when there is literally nowhere to be other than hanging around on the street / park .

[JustDanceAddict]

Wandering on her own - no way would I Even allow DS (16) to do that. He can wander w a friend on Sat night but not midweek & not on his own.

[donewithitalltodayandxmas]

My year 11 ds 15 nearly 16 has to be home by that time in normal times ( he isn't out now that late as its lockdown) when back allowed if going to a party or one off we would discuss and allow
We say no to things at times, he doesn't always like it , but we are his parents and he respects that at the end of the day
You allow her bf round ( even in lockdown) , you allow her out until 10 pm so your not keeping her a prisoner
As a grown women I wouldn't walk around the streets on my own between 10pm and 12 so why does she want to
And also I would not allow my 15 year old to swear and shout at me and the 10pm curvew would be removed for that behaviour

[coldemortreturns]

I remember negotiating a midnight curfew in the 90's as I was going to a club underage (would have been 16 in lower sixth) on condition my dad picked me up from outside. Of course I was raging against this as 'all' my mates got to stay til 2.
Looking back now I cant believe they let me go out clubbing at 16! Stick to your guns and when she's older she'll understand your decision x

[Windinmyhair]

Tell her to sit in the garden if you have one?
Or open her window to make her feel less trapped.

She can't be out later than 10 - that is not sensible, no matter how much she screams. Especially as she is so vulnerable.

Stand fast!