Struggling to let them be independent

[londonscalling]

A good friend has a teenager living with her.

She is not their birth mum but she cares for them because their birth mum is "unwell".

The teenager is going back to school soon after lockdown and they are going to want to go to the park with friends etc after school.

I don't want to go into specifics on here about their age etc because I feel it's not my place to say too much.

However, I can see my friend is starting to feel anxious. She said it's particularly hard, when they are not your own child, to know how much freedom to let them have. I think she's concerned about making the wrong decision and something goes wrong, ie what time they should be home etc.

The teenager has a very close friend whose mum lets them stay out incredibly late. My friend won't allow this.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this anxiety generally? My friend feels physically sick if the teenage is just a few minutes late home. This can't be ideal for the child. Is it normal to worry so much about your kids?

[AngieBolen]

Erm, well I worry about mine.

This is what mobile phones are for- it's non negotiable that mine answer if I text/phone.

If the child is a younger teen she could track them with an app such as Life 360. I've used it with my DD, and probably will again, although once she's 16 I'll let her track me too if she wants to.

I think it's normal to worry, it's normal to put in place rules about times they should be home etc, but it's not normal to show them how worried you are.

[Shieldingending]

It's hard because they do need some freedom. I let mine go to the park with friends (in normal times) although I hate it ! Trackers on phones and curfews are necessary in my opinion plus home before dark. A lot depends on the age

[londonscalling]

Thanks. Her difficulty is that they don't get a mobile signal where they live.

You're right, she just needs to not let them see how worried she is!

[RosesAndHellebores]

I suspect I will be going against the grain here. Teenagers need to go straight home from school unless they have sports practice or rehearsals, have their tea/dinner/supper and do their homework which for mine was always at least 90 minutes.

Friday/Saturday if they don't have a match/concert they can go out with their friends: party, cinema, gathering at someone's house. They need to keep parents informed of who they are with and where they are.

Hanging about in parks and/or shopping centres is off limits.

Mine are 22 and 26 now. They never hung about in parks after school as a relaxing pastime.

Your friend needs to ensure the teenager has better things to do.

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

The age of the teen is very important though. There is a world of difference between what's ok for a 13 year old and what's ok for a 17 year old.

When my daughter got to 6th form she made friends with a girl whose mother still used a phone tracker. I was shocked at that and the girl was certainly slightly teased for it by her peers.

We let our 17 year old have a lot of freedom but still he feels stifled and claustrophobic at home. He just wants to be out all the time (and I remember exactly how that feels). I think all parents of teens are going to have to be brave and weather the storm of an awful lot of partying when lockdown ends.

[AngieBolen]

@RosesAndHellebores I don't think that's going against the grain.

Lockdown has been a Godsend for me in that I haven't had to police my 17yos whereabouts. Parents of toddlers think it's a tiring age, but at least you know where a toddler is when they wake you up in the night. But as DS pointed out to me, nothing magic will happen to stop me worrying about him on his 18th birthday.

With teens, especially boys, it's important to help them find an interest so they're hanging in a safe place, such as football practice, rather just in the park, although that's a lot easier said than down in Covid times

[Seeline]

@RosesAndHellebores I tend to agree with most of what you say. However, in the current climate I have had to relax my views on hanging about the park as there is nowhere else for teens to be at the moment. My DS spent most of last summer in parks at all times of day and night (just 'finished' his A levels). DD (16) has spent a lot of this winter in parks too although I have not allowed her out in the evenings. We always have an agreed pick up/home time and are always in contact. Hopefully things will return to near normal soon.

[Mary8076]

@AngieBolen and OP Honestly, I'm all for tracking apps, answers to calls and putting in place rules, but I don't see the problem of showing them how worried you are.
For sure not to make them feel guilty, and it doesn't mean I'm worried so you cannot have freedom. It's more like I'm worried, please try to make everything simpler for both of us, let's find a compromise, can you help me to be less worried... many teens would understand and open communications is always the best way.

[Imapotato]

It’s normal to worry about your kids, but as they do go out more independently you tend to get used to it and not worry quite so much.

Obviously their age is a factor. If they are 16/17 then they should be able to do what they like with in reason. If they’re 13 then it’s appropriate to set more limits.

Whatever she needs to allow an appropriate amount of freedom and not let the teen know just how worried she is. It is however completely appropriate to expect the teen to let her know what they are doing, where they will be, and for them to be home by the agreed time.

[londonscalling]

Thanks everyone. Much appreciated!!!