How to punish a 16 year old!

[doodledo92]

So my 16 year old ds thinks it's ok to come in at 4 am! This is the 2nd time he has done it in 2 weeks. The first time it happened I told him it was acceptable, he's 16 not 18!! Said he wouldn't do it again now he has!!

I've asked where he's been he just says "chillin" with a couple of mates. That's all I get from his disgusting attitude towards me. I'm weird for going mad at him.

Since this is the 2nd time it's happened I'm wondering how on earth do I punish him. I
AIBU to ground him??

[doodledo92]

Also I'm my area it's ok to meet up with 6 other people that's the reason I've let him out. He's always only gone out for a couple of hours except these 2 times

[Neolara]

If you basically trust him, how talking calmly to him why it's a problem for you (presumably, you're worried, it might not be safe for him etc). Then ask him to come up with a solution.

[doodledo92]

@Neolara I've tried talking to him don't get anywhere. He just says I'm worrying for nothing, he's not stupid and he won't do it again. But he does!!
Before the pandemic I agreed to let him stay out later if he was going to parties etc. Told him 12-1am is ok or if he was staying at a mates then to text which he did.
Like I said he's been really good with coming home after a couple of hours just these last 2 times he's took the piss.
When he decides to get out of bed I'll speak to him again

[JustDanceAddict]

If you’re in tier 3 (you must be if ok to meet 5 others), then he’s probably not outside until 4am and therefore he’s breaking the law. There is your answer.

[doodledo92]

@JustDanceAddict exactly! No way is he outside till that time! Like I said I've tried speaking with him and get no where. What do I do now, keep him in? Is he not to old for me to keep him in? I'm not sure what to do next without having a full blown fall out with him and him ending up walking out

[ScrapThatThen]

Hmm, tricky. There is the house rules angle and then there's the is he at risk or putting others at risk (breaking covid rules, taking drugs, at risk of exploitation). So, house rules I guess you could withdraw privileges that he likes (money /allowance, any luxuries you pay for) or short sharp shock lock him out (with advance warning) if you judge it won't alienate him or drive him into a dangerous situation. Is he in education? Or in any youth groups? I might be inclined to talk it over with pastoral team or head of year because they might have or be able to get an insight into what is going on and help assess the risks (especially if they know stuff about the peers he is with).

[GalaxyCookieCrumble]

Stop him going out and remove his phone, Internet and money.

[doodledo92]

@ScrapThatThen he left school last year and started college in September last year. The group he hangs around with are the same kids he's gone through school with. They are all good kids, don't get into trouble or cause antisocial behaviour. I do think they smoke weed and have a few drinks when they hang out though that's what worries me as well.
I thought about locking him out but then I would be even more worried!
He's not like it all the time just this weekend he's took the piss.
I'm inclined to tell him he can stay in today and not expect any spending money

[MiddleClassMother]

Take his phone away until he goes back to college?

[amber763]

When i was that age a grounding and no money was honestly the only thing that worked for my parents.

[Andi2020]

Sounds like he has a girlfriend maybe ask him. Say as long as you know where he is your ok with it.
At 16 they want as bit off freedom

[doodledo92]

@Andi2020 I've told him I'm fine with him staying out later as long as he texts me and let's me know. I just think 4 am is unreasonable

[Andi2020]

@doodledo92 yes I do agree 4 is unreasonable they don't understand how much we worry

[HotSauceCommittee]

I don't think punishments work at this age. Not sure they did for mine at any ages.
I'd just keep on talking to him. The breakthrough with my teenage son was when he'd done something bad and I was actually calm and resigned and said to him, "you are big now and you are basically able to do what you want. I can no longer make you do things but it is still my job to keep you safe and to talk to you about things".
It went in that I couldn't stop him and made him feel boundless and more insecure about not adhering to some of my boundaries.
It was almost like reverse psychology in a way.
Broken record, negotiating, natural consequence, talking and showing him you care will get you there in the end.
It's just hard going and you have my sympathy, OP.
The danger now is that if you punish him, the next time he makes a mistake where you really could help him, he won't confide in you for fear of punishment.
Honestly, it's been bloody hard with our boy, but we are getting somewhere now.

[doodledo92]

@HotSauceCommittee totally agree with you I don't think punishment does either.
I've had a little chat with him, I was going to make him stay in for the night but thought to myself it would just cause a big argument and him saying I'm treating him like a 12 year old and it's embarrassing. I've explained I worry when he's out that late. He's did it was one offs and he's back at college this week so he will o my be out for a couple of hours, not all night!
Your right bringing up a teenager is so so hard

[HotSauceCommittee]

Good luck, doodledo92 x

[doodledo92]

@HotSauceCommittee thank you.
Well now we're in lockdown I have a few weeks of no worry!!

[LizzieSiddal]

I was just wondering about the Lockdown! I agree with everything @HotSauceCommittee said, punishments don't work with 16 year olds.

I'd take the time in Lockdown to just be kind to each other, try to have chats (Yes it is difficult, I've had 2 teenagers), do something together which you both enjoy and fingers crossed he will realise how unreasonable he was before(but obviously don't ask him to say thisout loud )

[malificent7]

If you think about it he is legally able to get married at 16. Yes, 4am is a worry but there is little you can do to punish him. I stead ask him to text you if he will be home that late or otherwise you will stop givng him cash.

[londonscalling]

Taking his phone off him or locking him out will mean you will worry about him more and he can't get in contact. Don't do that!

[Gil55]

I tell my 16 yr old DS to tell me what time he'll be back and to txt me if it's going to be later for any reason. I try hard to treat him like an adult but in return remind him he has to behave like one. IMO the only sanction that works for that age is withdrawing funds. Good luck. It's definitely not easy parenting teenagers!