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Early teen relationships

(14 Posts)
sharpstick Sun 06-Sep-20 23:09:24

Ok so I may be overthinking.

But my dd (almost 13) is in a relationship with a boy (13), all very intense, seen each other pretty much every day since they have been permitted to due to the Covid restrictions. They meet outside and generally in the company of a group. Constant messages via snap, insta etc.

I do sporadically check her phone and things generally seem pretty innocent lots of I love you’s and heart emojis. This week there have been pictures taken of them on her phone looking very close, cuddled up etc, they both look really happy.

I guess my question is, for more experienced teen parents! Should I worry about things going any further at this age? If they are cuddling up close what else may they be thinking of/doing? I don’t want to pry and ask her direct questions which may be embarrassing and lead her to alienate me. Do I even need to say anything at this stage?

I was not an innocent teen and was young when I started my first sexual relationship, so there’s nothing that would surprise me! But maybe that’s why I’m worrying..

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FortunesFave Mon 07-Sep-20 06:23:56

Things can most definitely progress at this age and it's very important that you talk to your DD.

My friend's son is now 16 and he's been with his girlfriend since she was 13 and he 14...they began having sex when she was 14!

Her parents didn't talk to her at all and my friend was extremely lax in that she allowed her son and this girl to spend hours alone in his room.

So of course they had sex.

They're still together and she's on the pill but she's overly attached to him and very insecure and I do think this is a direct result of sex too young.

Are you sure they're not spending time in another teen's house?

sharpstick Mon 07-Sep-20 07:54:28

Thankyou for your reply, what you say is kind of my thinking.

I’m as sure as I can be that they aren’t spending time at anyone’s house. I know where they all hang out and are always there if I check (We have life 360) but obviously with colder darker weather coming they are going to be outdoors less so may go to peoples houses. She’s not been to his and he’s not been here so far.

But I know from my own experience that within 18 months of her age now, I was having sex and there’s no getting around that!

Now they are back at school I guess they will spend less time together (different schools) but they are in constant contact.

Time to have a bit of a talk then, I don’t know how on earth to begin this conversation confused

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FortunesFave Mon 07-Sep-20 08:03:59

Do you ever watch any tv with her? It can be a great 'in' if something pops up in a plot.

Macarini Mon 07-Sep-20 10:09:45

Them having lots of time alone together in their rooms doesn't guarantee anything. I started going out with a boy at 14, and we didn't actually do anything of that sort until we were 18, and are now happily married.

That said, definitely make yourself available for such conversations. My parents never talked to me about sex. Our only conversation on the matter was a quick "have you got protection?" question from my mother on the morning of our wedding.

sharpstick Mon 07-Sep-20 14:41:40

My parents didn’t raise the subject of sex with me until they found out I had done it! I just dont want to be that parent.

But at the same time I don’t want to be putting the idea into her head that any of that stuff is acceptable yet or that I’m thinking this is the next stage for them.

I guess it just shocked me to see pics of them so close, I naively assumed it was more of a friendship at this stage, goodness knows why! Do we lose all memory of what we were like as teenagers once we become parents ourselves??!! grin

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FortunesFave Mon 07-Sep-20 14:56:24

Macarini but you realise that your experience was far from ideal? Op...you must discuss periods with your dd? What kind of conversations are those? Serious? It's important to lighten the mood a bit so they feel comfortable.

sharpstick Mon 07-Sep-20 15:11:29

Fortunes... periods?? Of course I’ve discussed them, she started almost a year ago????

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sharpstick Mon 07-Sep-20 15:13:01

We discuss all aspects of growing up including sex in general. It’s her own developing relationship I’m referring to

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Macarini Mon 07-Sep-20 16:27:38

@FortunesFave as can hopefully be seen in my post, I've said that OP should talk to her dd about sex in recognition that it would have been better if my parents had.

I'm just also reassuring her that dating young doesn't always translate to starting having sex young, as that assumption isn't a fair representation of all teenagers.

Andi2020 Mon 07-Sep-20 20:36:56

@sharpstick 13 is young but everyone is different. Does she know you look at her phone
If she does say that's a lovely photo of you and your boyfriend use look very cute.
Something like that to break the ice.
Tell her you are there for her if she ever wants to talk about relationships.
Tell her never to be pressured into anything and make sure to have protection when she is older and in a loving relationship.
I have 2 dd one 17 and one 15 and this is what I tell mine.
The 15yo not with any steady bf.

sharpstick Mon 07-Sep-20 22:29:23

Andi I like this idea!

Yes she knows I do spot checks on her phone, so she’s obviously not bothered that I may see. I guess she feels she has nothing to hide? Which hopefully means there is nothing more to it. I will approach the conversation as you suggest.

She talks to me about her relationship and the relationships of her friends and their boyfriends too, so she’s pretty open but it’s never about the physical side. This is why I was so surprised to visually see them so close I guess.

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FortunesFave Tue 08-Sep-20 07:30:17

Sharp I'm aware it's her relationship you're referring to. It's quite clear from my first posts that I understand this.

I mentioned periods because I wanted you to gauge how comfortable you are talking to her about potentially difficult subjects.

sharpstick Tue 08-Sep-20 17:36:36

@FortunesFave aha, my apologies, I misread the tone of your comment, on a reread I see what you are asking.

Yes, we are very open about periods and all the growing up stuff. We always discuss the fact that she is in a relationship and how things naturally will progress, so I feel she knows her stuff. I was just a little shocked at how much quicker things have moved without me knowing and how quickly things may go further.

I’m always aware when they are meeting, where they go etc and what they do, as in watching him play football, going to McDonald’s etc. She just has never made me aware of the progression of the relationship and I didn’t think I needed to worry yet but now I’m rethinking this and wondering whether to broach the subject or trust that I have given her the knowledge to stay safe and will come to me if she needs to. As I said, I don’t want her to be thinking that if I’m discussing sex that it’s ok to be doing it!

But I think Andi has pretty much covered all I need to reiterate with her for now

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