How to make teens ‘join in’ with family life

[Sunnydays123456]

Hi all

My DS is 3 months off 16 and a v calm and kind natured boy/man

He’s increasingly on the flipping Xbox as it’s really missing friends and esp rugby (he usually plays a lot and is in a club development squad )

Anyway, how can I get him to hang out with us (family!) more ?? Any tips please? Thanks )

[bookmum08]

Have you considered playing Xbox with him?

[museumum]

What is it you want him to do? I’m tempted to say “why should he?” but it depends what your expectations are.

[Sunnydays123456]

@bookmum08 yeah I sometimes sit and have a look with him and we sometimes watch rap / sport

Actually - be good the premier league is back on tomorrow

I just miss him lol as find it hard to connect now he isn’t doing the things he is passionate about . And he won’t play the games we used to love like Articulate Monopoly

Omg I sound like a right drip!

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

I get mine a takeaway once a fortnight and we play games while we wait for it.

I have also booked to go to Alton towers with them.

If I had more money I’d take them out for dinner where they have less distractions and have conversations with them.

I also make sure we eat together every evening.

Very occasionally I insist on a family walk. I used to incentivise this with tea and cake in a cafe at the end.

[Sunnydays123456]

@museumum spend more family time ? Although is that unrealistic expectation at this age ?

[museumum]

I think at 16 you need to relate to him as an independent human being and cultivate shared interests rather than expecting him to want to spend time with the rest of you because you all have the same dna.

[Sunnydays123456]

I do try (cue learning rappers))

It was just quite easy with all the sport because we connected without effort and now I feel a bit at a loss !

[Sunnydays123456]

@Sharpandshineyteeth hahahah same re tea and cake and walk .. he came on one the other day actually

Good idea re takeaway and board games

And Alton Towers

He really likes surfing actually , might get him to teach me to stand up although ...He just for eg won’t go to beach with me and DD as says he may see his friends there and we are too embarrassing !

[EnidsCrochetCorner]

You could try to watch a tv show together, there are lots available on Netflix and Prime. Get him to choose it. We watch films as a family and lots on YouTube so it depends what your son is interested in. We watch science/engineering or Edutainment (Tom Scott, CGP Grey).

Sometimes mine would tell me something was boring and I would remind them of all the shit programmes I have sat through because they liked it, that it isn't all about what they want but also about what other people want. Then I start singing Thomas the Tank engine theme.

We always have "family time" because it is important to talk, to get their view on something, see it through a teenager's eyes. We tend to do this at the dinner table after our meal. We might listen to a podcast at dinner, Stephen Fry's Leap Years is great.

My sons are 17 and 14.

[EnidsCrochetCorner]

he may see his friends there and we are too embarrassing I hate this, why are parents embarrassing? Why is this ok? That somehow their "street cred" is influenced by having a parent near you. Tell him to grow up.

We also play Co-Op board games where you are all winning together rather than one winner. Forbidden Island is one, you can choose different roles that have different skills.

[Frangipaniflower]

I agree with the lady that said play xbox with him. My son is older now but when he was at home I learned to play fifa and a basketball game, you will find that he will chat about all sorts of things!

[Sunnydays123456]

@EnidsCrochetCorner yeah we do watch tv together and thank God footie is back on tomorrow tbh

God knows re the embarrassment thing and yes I have tried to tell him to grow up lol

@frangipan right gaming it is )))

[okiedokieme]

Teach him to cook, family games night etc but also find a game on the Xbox you can play together. Has to be met halfway. My DD's love hanging out, they are older but we have games night this Friday (ok they want to drink my wine)

[TawnyPippit]

I think shared tv shows are great. I’ve had my eyes opened to new stuff via the DCs choices, which has been fun. DD (15) and I watched Say Yes to the Dress - I was v pleased to read in Becoming that Michelle Obama used to watch it when she was on endless tours round the country as her downtime guilty pleasure! DS (17) introduced us to The Good Place, which was both funny and v clever.

I think all of us would rather

[Buckingham1988]

In normal times we sometimes went for breakfast at a cafe he liked which meant he had to talk. Or if there was a film on at the cinema he fancied. I'd also give him a lift so he talks in the car. All this builds a relationship and has helped.
I also watch things I'm not keen on but he enjoys so we can discuss it. I'll also read about things he's interested in eg sport. We also have discussions about his ps4 which go over my head but I try my best.
We always have main meals together and he usually spend a bit of time after chatting to us. I never push him to do anything with us but always asking him. He also enjoys one on one time with his younger siblings takes them to play football /bike ride.

[passthemustard]

My DS15 is really easy, if I want him to come do something he's happy to. (Even if he'd rather be doing something else!!)

It's my DD12 that will not engage with us. In her room door shut, we get shouted at if we go in, only comes out for food 😩😩😩

[TawnyPippit]

...sorry, rather shoot ourselves than play a board game, but we’ve never been big on those!

[Sunnydays123456]

@Buckingham1988
hmmmm yes I do think it’s lockdown related - we seemed to have a nice balance before and now I feel it’s harder to Find that . Also he’s not as happy without all the usual life going on , like most of us (

[Sunnydays123456]

@passthemustard OMG lol - wonder what my dd11 gonna be like eek