ADHD teen suddenly lying about where he is. How do I handle situation? (Girlfriend involved)(6 Posts)
DS2 has just turned 18. He has ADHD so has never been out alone, but has just started going out with mates in the last few weeks. He has also got a long-distance girlfriend he met at summer camp, so he is on the phone all the time.
Today we get up to find no sign of him, and a note on the computer to say he's gone out, will go straight to work and needs picking up at 11pm. The cat woke me up at 7am so he must have gone before then. On a school day I'm dragging him out of bed at 8.15.
I rang him to find out what he's playing at. He sounds really shifty, says he told me yesterday he was going out (no he didn't) tells me he's in Canterbury and a voice in the background says "Canterbury?".
DH finds walking maps of London on the pc...
Now added to this he "doesn't have time" to go to any Uni visits for next year because he has to go to work, and "had to work" last night so couldn't go to a family party planned months ago (again didn't say until yesterday).
Bearing in mind that he isn't like a normal 18 year old in mentality. Mentally he is nearer 12. I did hiss at him on the phone that if he is suddenly able to go off alone like a normal person he won't need the DLA we claim for him being unable to do so (which he's counting on for next year) and he sounded suitably chastened.
How do I deal with this when he gets back? Obviously because he's 18 he's got this attitude that he can do what he likes, and legally he can, but turning 18 hasn't made the ADHD go away.
Do you think he might have sloped off to the girlfriend's place? Was the voice in the background male of female?
Have you rung his workplace to see if he is there?
She lives in Croydon so he has obviously gone to meet her in London.
Work rang 20 minutes ago because he hadn't turned up. DH rang him and he's at the station. Serve him right if he gets sacked. (He's going to be an hour late)
We just went out for lunch. DH couldn't find his phone anywhere and had the house upside down looking for it. In the end he rang the mobile company and was told there were 3 calls from it yesterday (after DS had gone to work) and 2 this morning- one for 90 minutes- all to the same number. Rang that number and it was the gf. So he'd "borrowed" DH's phone without asking, knowing DH needed it to go to work tonight, and has flattened the battery.
So all in all he is really in trouble and he's lucky he won't see me tonight
not sure where you live soi dont know how horrific the big L is ont he horific scale
but its quite horrific for me to contemplate my 17 year old lad goig there on his tod.
am not understanding the mentality of a 12 year old as he has adhd - never the less
my advice would be this
you need to see yourself as UBER manager supremo. you need to carefully manage this situation - knowledge is power
be overjoyed at girldfriend - eager to met her - invite her to tea. say she is welcome anytime and most importantly stike up a relationship with her family as they re a source of more information and knowledge - without tearing him a new arsehole tell him strongly that just fucking off to london is not an option - but if he tells you next time maybe you can drop him off and her mum can pick them up - work an agreement whereby they are happy and you know they are safe.
just tearing him a new shitter - wont make things better - you need to cltivate this relationship and keep him feeling loved and safe - but dont be tread on like a piece of poo - there do have to be boundries - but be super sleuthy about the whole thing and remember your main objective is to get informationa nd to keep it coming - if he wont talk to you then you will never be able to help or advise. - be a double agent.
Thanks custy- as ever the voice of wisdom. I made him sweat until 5pm tonight. Did put it to him that if anything had happened to him we didn't know where he was and if we'd sent the police to Canterbury when he was in London etc etc.
He realised he shouldn't have done it- we had tears. Apparently work had a go at him, as did DH (mainly because he took DH's phone with him and DH had the house upside down looking for it). I think I managed to get across to him that it was the lying we were angry about.
London is about an hour away by train. He has never even been on a bus on his own.
We have discussed the gf and I'd told him I was looking forward to meeting her.
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