DD 15 very quiet and withdrawn

[LockdownLucie]

I will try to summarise as much as poss
DD 15
spending more and more time in her bedroom even before lockdown.
Most days she doesn’t go out or get dressed and wanders around with a heavy dressing gown on top of her clothes.
She is normally quiet and withdrawn
Its a struggle to have a conversation with her.
She was bullied in year 7.
She has a small group of quiet less popular friends at school but only really seems to be bothered about one of them.
She is dyslexic.
Had good parents evening, main comment was she was too quiet in class but seems to quietly gets on with her work and homework.
Shows no interest in her appearance (hair, skin, hygiene, clothes or fashion).
No interests since about year 8 we have really tried to encourage this but nothing worked.
She is very disrespectful to me calls me by my christian name a lot, swears and ignores me often.
Her bedroom is a complete tip.
I feel sorry for her in lockdown and always want her to know that I love her and care about her.
She is aggrieved about how her year group are being let down due to no school, not seeing friends and her teachers are sending work through in dribs and drabs on a whole variety of platforms/formats.
DH has been working from home so he has been dealing with her more as she seems to prefer him and get less grumpy with him and I am fed up of always playing the bad guy.
I have tried all ways to try and find out if anything is bothering her but to no avail.
She wont eat meat, wont eat fruit or veg and lives on bread, rice, pasta, halloumi, beans and chocolate. So every meal time is a battle often with her shouting she will just make her own (as she won’t say what she wants but will eat very little of anything).
She is very pale but is of average build rather than being underweight.
She has had one Socially Distant walk with her best friend and I thought this might help perk her up but it hasn’t made any difference.
Anyone any tips on how to help my DD and how to cope as her mum?

[sleepismysuperpower1]

do you think she could benefit from counselling? the mix offer it free (will link their website below), and you can pick to have 4 weeks or 8 weeks worth of sessions. all the best x

www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/the-mix-counselling-service

[LockdownLucie]

Thank you I will look at the link. Yes i think she would and have suggested this to her in the past but she was very against it.

I have also wondered about autism although she was very quick to talk which isn’t often the case.

She has a brother a year older and when they were little if they were on holiday, at a park or soft play she would always hang back at first until she felt comfortable then they both would always appear to be enjoying themselves and having fun. He also often spoke for her.

The other thing is DH was gutting her bedroom at the weekend it was untidy and absolutely filthy and he found two letters one was a handmade letter/valentines card from
her best friend addressed to her saying she loved her. So we wondered if they maybe had a crush on one another, were in a relationship or whether it was just a joke. The other was the beginnings of a letter DD had started to her friend. Saying x if you are reading this then I have gone. We didn’t know whether she was worried about dying from corona or whether they were going to maybe trying and meet up secretly on a dog walk (although they live two miles away from each other). We haven’t questioned her about these incase she goes mad. DH showed me and put them back where he found them.

[sleepismysuperpower1]

I would try and ask her about counselling again. It's over the phone, which might help since she wouldn't have to meet anyone face to face? the bit that worries me in your 2nd post is the 2nd letter that you mentioned. It sounds a little like a suicide letter, saying goodbye to her friends. Have you seen her arms recently also, OP? You said she wears a heavy dressing gown, if she has been self harming she might be hiding her arms.
I'm sorry if I have read too much into this but I think it is better to be safe than sorry. All the best x

[LockdownLucie]

Aw goodness I didn’t think if that but you are right as DH just said I think she was maybe worried about getting Coronavirus. She wears a dressing gown on top of pyjamas or a hoodie indoors even in the heart of the last few days.

[MondeoFan]

My DD 14 almost 15 has been depressed past 6 months or so. Her appearance is always presented well. A bit like dress up and show up. Most of the time very glam. Full make up. She has been self harming and she told me. I was glad she told me. She's having telephone counselling for 6 sessions. She says she doesn't like talking on phone as feels she can't open up. She admitted to me she was going to run away about 9 months ago. Why I don't know? Not even sure what she's depressed about. I feel at the end of my tether with it. I also have a much younger DD and feel I'm splitting myself in 2 trying to spend equal time with them both.
It's a real worry for me as must be for you.
I'm dreading her going back to school as worry she will be worse.

[LockdownLucie]

Thanks all. Sorry Mondeo that must be awful.
My DD looks dreadful loads of spots, no make up, hair scraped back in a pony tail and bits frizzing out of it (as she also went through a stage of pulling her hair out after the bullying in year 7, year 8). We dont see her doing this now as she so rarely spends any time with us. She just came down in her dressing gown and skinny jeans just before. I asked if I could see the top of her arms to see if she still had excema a bit feeble I know. She reluctantly showed me her arms and they were ok. But she won’t wear shorts so goodness knows how I will get to see her legs. Nothing is ever simple.

[goodthanks]

God I feel so sorry for teenagers at the moment, what a tough part of life it is without all of this going on. My own kids are much younger but I was very depressed as a teenager and I have to say lots of your daughter's behaviour sounds familiar to me. One really powerful thing DM did was one day she just pushed a note under my door saying she loved me and was always on my side, she knew I didn't want to talk but she would listen if I did. Sounds very simple but it made a huge difference to me.

[Andi2020]

I have no comforting words only worrying about a child is so hard.
Would she speak to her brother.
Would her dad take her walking to get out of the house
Tell her to invite friend around to garden
She may want to be in a relationship with her friend but afraid off been bullied.

[LockdownLucie]

Thanks yes I have tried walks with her dad and brother. She will reluctantly go but she hasn’t said anything to either of them.

I might try a note. But i do tell her I love her, i care about her and I will always love her frequently.

She won’t invite her friend to the garden. But we dropped her off at best friends house at the weekend and they went on a socially distant walk. I said if she wanted to meet her another time she could. I thought meeting her would help improve her mood but it hasn’t really had much effect. She wont talk about it but then that is the norm for her.

[thatsallineed]

Could there be a chance she is being bullied via social media?

[Davespecifico]

I don’t know what to about my DD either. She is 14, has Selective Mutism and social anxiety. We were expecting counselling and maybe medication via CAMHS but heard little about this since lockdown.

She has zero interest in seeing or contacting her 2 friends. Her face looks blank/miserable all the time. She has no drive to do anything, so just pretty much sits on her bed looking at her phone all day. I try to do what I can to bring her out e.g. going out for a walk, getting her to do my eye make up, baking. But generally she’s just blank and uninterested and will constantly tell me she’s bored - she will accept none of my suggestions, looks at me as if I’m mad for suggesting them, then tells me she’s bored again.

Despite all of the above, she does wash her hair and in the morning she goes through the routine of dressing in nice clothes, doing her make up, putting contact lenses in and making her breakfast. It’s odd that after doing this, she wants no further part in daily life.

[RowenaRavenclawTheSecond]

OP I would be very very concerned about that second letter, about her being 'gone'. It sounds like she is depressed, is it possible you can get a GP appointment ASAP?

As for the autism, I have autism and nothing you've said stands out to me as familiar, but don't rule it out because she was quick to talk - I was very quick developmentally as a baby. Girls present autism in a different way to boys, often in less obvious ways, and as a result aren't diagnosed/are misdiagnosed/are diagnosed late - I myself wasn't diagnosed until my early twenties.

[blosstree]

OP, I agree with PP that sounds like she had started to write a suicide note. Please try to get her a doctor's appointment.

[LockdownLucie]

Thanks all had rotten sleep worrying about her.

She’s woke up in a happier mood. She wouldn’t dream of going to docs. I would have to take her forcibly. I don’t think she is being bullied on SM as she had a massive Friend cull in year 8.

Its so hard when she insists she is fine. I have got her and her brother to agree to take the dog out together relatively easily this morning and she is without the dressing gown. Thankfully

[sleepismysuperpower1]

what was she wearing on her legs, OP? I would want to check that as well as sometimes people self harm on their legs/thighs when they know their arms will be exposed. Please try and get her a GP appointment asap, even if you have to force her to come.

[RowenaRavenclawTheSecond]

I think under the circumstances you might have to take her to the doctor forcibly. I hope everything is okay today

[LockdownLucie]

Thanks all we got a badminton set on Friday and played as a family it was lovely to her happy and smiling even though most of it was her laughing at how bad I was.
Yesterday she was fairly ok too.
Today however she is back to the dressing gown (even in this heat)!!! DH asked her why she wouldn’t wear some shorts or a skirt and T shirt and she kicked off. So he came up
with the idea and jokily said to her ‘why have you been getting a tattoo or something. I will be checking your legs tonight’. So we will see.

[Splattherat]

Name changed. Things picked up briefly last week but then hotted up again for the worse again last night with her being rude, eye rolling, shouting, swearing and twisting things. She finished up calling me a ‘Karen’. I didn’t know what one was and have since looked it up. I am certainly not racist, sexist or a snob. I do sometimes complain if something isn’t right but then I will also really praise people if companies or individuals have gone above and beyond and exceeded my expectations.
Anyway DD went into school for half a day this morning and DH gutted her bedroom and found a crumpled up piece of paper in highlighter pen saying ‘X please be my girlfriend and care for me’ this same thing was repeated umpteen times. Almost like she was praying.
DH put the piece of paper back in her bottom draw and we decided not to say anything.
It sounds like DD is maybe confused about her sexuality and has a bit of a crush/infatuation going on with her best friend who may or may not be her GF. Unsure whether she has broached the subject with her friend and whether friend is equally keen or whether it is one sided more on DD’s part.
If she has said something and it isn’t reciprocated it will leave DD heartbroken and leave her even more isolated at school.
Any advice here? Is this maybe a phase some children go through or not I don’t know and I don’t know how support her other than telling her I love her and asking if she’s ok etc. I don’t want to push her into talking about something that she has half heartedly tried to hide. At 15 I hadn’t had a boyfriend but had a bit of a crush from a distance on an older really good looking unattainable boy but obviously nothing came of it. I love her and would really just like her to be happy and would love it if we had a close mother/daughter relationship
but worried she hates me that much that ship may have sailed.