Living with my teenage 16 year old son is making me highly depressed.

(9 Posts)
7233blue Sat 16-May-20 15:59:57

I left my son`s dad when my son was 14 months old.I have brought him up on my own ever since. Over the years his dad and step mother have openly undermined my parenting towards our son, which has caused a lot of disrespect towards me in our household.
Over the past three years the atmosphere at home seems to be getting worse. I have asked my sons dad if our son can live with him. But he has flat out refused saying that there is not enough room. He currently lives in a two bed terraced house, which is very large with two double bedrooms, with plenty of room to convert to a three bed.He also has a very highly paid job.He has a ten year old son in his current relationship.I shared a bedroom half the size with my sister until the age of seventeen. If his dad cared about him then surely he would be prepared to let him live at his house, rather than go into care?
I have no family support to take on the responsibility.
I have asked for help from local family services, but so far have received none. I received a letter stating that they saw no problem with my sons anger issues and that it was just a clash in personalities.
My son has punched six holes throughout our flat, in doors and walls,when he is angry. He also slams doors, calls me a cunt amongst other profanities, when he can`t get his own way, and punches his desk.
I left his dad because he was a narcissist and having an affair with the woman he is now married to.
Living with my son feels like I am living in an abusive relationship all over again. I don`t want to live with him anymore it is making me mentally ill.Does anyone have a similar experience who put their son into care?
I don`t seem to have any other options at this point? I have discussed this extensively with my counsellor over the past few years and tried different strategies using the adult approach. But the level of manipulation has caught me off guard quite a few times which has ended in me reverting back to the child and shouting at him in frustration, undoing all the good work I previously did. I consider myself quite a patient person. Friends have commented on how patient I am. It takes a lot to rile me.I meditate daily, which helps me keep a level head... but he knows how to push all my buttons and seems to take great pleasure in doing so. I just want a peaceful life. I know I deserve it. I can`t see the future changing for the better. Does anyone have some advice who have been in a similar situation? Many Thanks for reading.

OP’s posts: |
Ugghh69 Sat 23-May-20 09:47:54

I am in such a similar scenario, though my son is now 21 and just finished uni. I fully understand. My son has been an angry person really his whole life, but since about 10 he just seemed to change into someone who really doesn't like, doesn't love, me. It's very hard to live like this. I work full time, often14 hours a day, so it is so soul-destroying to come home and get shouted at for not having done a washing, or bought food or whatever else irks him. His rages are awful, though they usually involve when he's gaming. But I would be threatened with violence frequently. He'd usually then apologise, sort of. On a particularly bad episode, when he told me he'd knock my jaw right off my face and I sat crying in my room, we did talk it out and he explained the rage that builds up at times and he feels he wants to punch etc. So I got him a gym membership, just in our council gym. It was a godsend. It hasnt stopped his disrespect or dislike, or how I'm made to feel worthless, BUT it definitely gave him a physical outlet which drastically lessened the punching stuff in his room. We're together in lockdown, and he obviously can't go to the gym, but he has bought some weights etc so is still trying to work out his aggression via those. I actually joined mumsnet last night in a very low moment - just more of the abusive names etc - seems relentless. I'm working full time from home still, and he and gf mostly stay in his room watching TV, gaming... I can't believe how alone and lonely I am in a house of 3 adults... I never thought being a mum, a family, would be this sad.
Anyway, try suggesting a gym membership. The local council ones are not too expensive, especially at his age. His dad may pay for it? It would be an outlet for some of his aggression. But also an hour or 2 where he's there and you can just breathe. All the best.

justtrying18 Mon 25-May-20 16:16:20

Hey ladies I'm in the same boy but with my 16 year old daughter. She has some anger issues and seems to switch moods so quickly.
I'm walking on egg shells the entire time. I keep going up to her room to see if she's ok but she just speaks to me like a piece of dirt when she's in a mood but I can't help try. I have there to be an atmosphere in the house but I don't know what else to do. I know I should probably let her calm herself down and then come and talk to me but I just can't seem to leave it. If something is wrong I want to know and help? Any advice ?

Ugghh69 Mon 25-May-20 17:39:03

I sympathise, justtrying18. I get what you mean about not being able to back off, but I think that's something you should really target - when there has been aggression and confrontation, even at just a low-grade but constant level, I just keep repeating in my head 'pick your battles'... I've gone out for a walk or drive when it's been bad (pre-lockdown) and not answered my phone to him etc. When I've come home after a couple of hours, he doesn't ever apologise, but is 'nicer' as he knows he overstepped the mark. I think setting aside time to make a coffee and read for a bit or something, leave her to it, will help. Certainly your mental well-being. We just have to hang in there smile

justtrying18 Mon 25-May-20 18:12:33

Thank ugghh69. Needed to hear that. It's so hard because all you want is the best for them and to live in a happy house with no problems when reality is that's not happening in any family I suppose. But when it comes from no where it's so difficult not to find out what's wrong.
I feel like her mood controls mine and I've felt down all day because of it trying to rack my brains to what I've done, I shouldn't have to feel like that. It's not even that she's nasty or violent just the general mood, not speaking and staying in her room. I don't know I just feel very low about it really. Thanks for the support xoxo

justtrying18 Mon 25-May-20 18:17:19

Also ugghh69 your post is so sad. I understand what you mean about living in a house with people and feeling unloved, it's something you never expect from your child and it's soul destroying.
I downloaded Mumsnet today seen as it's been a hard day and I juts felt I needed to know if anyone else has problems too

missyB1 Mon 25-May-20 18:21:44

OP just pack his bags and drop him at his dads. Then send ex a txt saying ds lives with you now. Tell your ds you love him and can’t wait for him to sort out his attitude, learn some respect and then he can come home to you.


Ugghh69 Mon 25-May-20 18:53:10

Thanks justtrying... We may not solve the issues and suddenly have the perfect home, but it's helping knowing its not just me! Well now you have joined mumsnet, like me, you can browse and chat when you are fighting the urge to go in and question your daughter's mood etc. It's what got me joining the other night... smile

justtrying18 Mon 25-May-20 19:50:20

Yea ugghh69 it has made me feel better. It's just so sad at that age they should just be enjoying themselves and not stressing about things but I guess we've all been there. I've tried again to see what's wrong when dinner was ready but again she's saying nothing is wrong. Think I have to leave it now because it's making me feel really anxious wondering what is wrong.
I suppose if we distance ourselves a bit they might realise they're pushing us away and hopefully start to change but as a parent it's stepping aside that's the hardest thing to do 😢

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