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I don’t like my 17yr old son,(38 Posts)
He’s almost 18, and he’s so immature and naive. But he has a really nasty side to him and then he gets aggressive and he’s verbally abusive. At first when he was younger I put it down to him just been a boy, then I put it down to him been the only boy as he’s the eldest and has younger sisters, then I put it down to him been in denial and scared of telling people he’s bi/gay. Now I just think he’s an awful person and I’m starting to not want to be around him. I’m stressed and on edge around him. I don’t relax until he’s not in the house. If I tell him off or do anything, he literally sits there like a toddler saying “why” over and over, he does things to get a reaction from me. He doesn’t see his dad and I have no family that I can send him to so I have a break, he doesn’t even have friends. He knows a few people from college but he never ever goes anywhere or meets people. We used to be so close and he’d do anything for me but as he’s got older he got into his head he’s better than everyone. He’s hit me and slammed my head into the kitchen table, he’s pushed his sitters and said he hates us all and when he finally moves out he’ll never see us again. As much as I want him to move out and give me some peace it scares me when he says that
Sounds horrendous, especially the violence.
All I can suggest is stepping back and love bombing him. Fake it till you make it.
Try and ignore the goads and bad behaviour at the time, apart from a mild "That wasn't nice". Then maybe tackle it when you are both calm later. Choose your battles. Focus on how it makes you both feel and how the situation may have been addressed in a better way by both of you. There is no point in engaging when the red mist is down - for either of you. Do it later when calm.
Also when you are both calm, you need to make him understand that living with his violence and disrespect will end sooner rather than later if it continues, as you won't accept it, and he'll need to move out as soon as he finished full time education if things don't change. That you don't want it to come to that as you love him more than anything. Ask him how you can work together to prevent it coming to that.
I’ve tried so many times to talk to him every time he’s calmed down, he’s always apologetic but he knows what to say and when. In his own way he’s clever and manipulating. I actually think he enjoys been so nasty and hurtful. He smirks after he’s said the most hurtful things and when he threatens with violence. I’ve literally taken to ignoring him now and I’ve got his phone and computer. It’s as though it’s worked In His favour though because now he’s just laid on his bed. Whenever I’ve said to him something like “that’s not nice” all he responds with is “like I care what you think”.
Op did you call the police when he hurt you? That is absolutely unacceptable and I wouldn't want him living with me if he was being violent. You need to get the police and ss involved. He's a danger to you.
Then reinforce your boundaries. If he can't live with you and treat you respectfully, then he'll need to move out. You can say this resignedly so he knows that you love him and don't want it to happen but if it comes to it, that is what will happen. Perhaps save this conversation till he actually can, with covid, but you should not have to live with violence.
Then it's his choice. Make it clear that if he does leave, the door will always be open if he changes his mind and decides to treat you all respectfully, but you aren't prepared to live with awfulness.
Cruel to be kind. If he realises you really mean it then he might change. The important thing is to convey the message that doing this isn't because you don't love him, but it's because it just isn't acceptable behaviour.
I just don’t know what to do, even if I went through with kicking him out he has no where to go. He uses intimidation on me and has the menacing smile knowing I can’t do anything and that he’s upsetting me. He’s a vile person. I just don’t know what to do. I hate been in the house with him
He is practically an adult. He is violent or threatens you in any way you call the police!
Although you say you have his phone and computer. Why? He is practically an adult. So confiscating his things isn’t going to work.
Honestly you’re saying he has nowhere to go etc but that isn’t your problem at the moment. You have to be very cold hearted here. Ask him to leave and if he won’t you get the police involved. How old are your other children? Ss won’t be bothered about him with him being close to 18 but they will be bothered about how your protecting your other children.
Trouble is though. It;s catch 22. He probably knows you think he's a vile person. Chicken or egg, it doesn't matter. I suggest love bombing. Fake it til you make it.
Love bombing with a tough boundary of if this continues then you'll have to move out.
It's not your problem if he has no where to go. It's his choice. But he does need to know he is loved, even if he knows you hate his behaviour.
Kick him out now. Nasty little fucker. Seriously, just kick him out.
He sounds like a very angry and probably confused young man. No relationship with his Dad or wider family, no friends and trying to figure out his sexuality. Having said that, it sounds like you have tried to help him and he's not interested.
I think I would pick the right time and just have a very frank conversation with him, adult to adult. Tell him firmly, if his behaviour continues then he needs to leave and if he ever lays a finger on anyone in the house again you will call the police immediately and have him forcibly removed from the house. If he starts with the childish behaviour/answering back tell him that you've made yourself VERY clear and then walk away, let him think about it.
Don't get into a battle with him. Lay down the rules very clearly but don't let it turn into a confrontation.
It's very simple, buck up or leave. Any violence and the police will remove you and you will not be coming back.
Definately need to call the police. You know he will leave and treat partners the same in future right? You need to put the wind up him, fast. He needs to know he cannot raise his hand to other people without consequence.
Saving a persons morality (and potentially protecting others from physical harm) is more important than anything. The police will likely give him a firm slap on the wrist and hopefully that will be that.
I'd also remove him from my home once lockdown is over. You need to protect your daughters.
All I can suggest is stepping back and love bombing him. Fake it till you make it
Just, wow. Love bombing a violent man that's hit you and slammed your head into a table, + pushes his sisters around too?
Violence against anyone is totally unacceptable, there isn't a free pass just because you're doing it to a parent! Parental abuse should never be excused, no form of abuse should be.
OP I'd call 101 for a chat. You're living in fear and as much as you love your son can you please take your daughters' into account here too. What message does it convey to them if he hits you and they? Violence has no consequence? It sounds a miserable existence. I think he should be removed from your household aside from that don't know what else to say apart from 1 man controlling you all is so sad. I envisage a situation where your daughter's grow up and leave barely to return, and you'll be left on your own with him.
Jesus Christ op. Grow a pair, phone the police, report him for assault then get him out of your bloody house. Protect your other kids if not yourself
What were the red flags you mentioned when he was younger? It’s understandable that you tried to justify them but depending on his behaviour as a child he may have a personality/sociopathic disorder. Or is it possible he was abused without your knowledge?
Also kick him out, he knows exactly what you’re doing
You need to call the police whenever he attacks you or his sisters!
Protect your children from him!
He's nearly an adult. Lay down the law. Do you give him money? If so, stop. Tell him to get a job.
He needs to start helping around the house, pull his weight and pack in the horrendous attitude.
The first sign of any aggression, call the police.
If he cannot respect your home, your rules, his siblings and you then he leaves. Stop making excuses for him.
A short, sharp shock now may save him in the long term.
This is domestic abuse, you must take action to protect yourself
Please call the police if he so much as threatens you or your daughters. You must protect them. I teach in FE, trust me there are places for aggressive teenagers to go to. There are hostels and supported living places.
Sometimes it makes them rethink their behaviour & family relationships. Sometimes not. Either way they are invariably okay and their families thrive without the abuse.
Teenagers are resilient. He needs to go, your children need you to make their home a safe place.
Deecee Did you not read the rest of my posts or my other posts where I said he'd need to move out if he can't treat her with respect?
It's her child though. She doesn't want to just give up on him totally which is why a two pronged attack of setting strong boundaries and love bombing him, is worth a try.
Love bombing is not the approach to take with someone displaying these...narcissistic traits. That sort see kindness as weakness. It will likey only therefore, make her more of a target.
Also, where as normally I would agree with the sentiment about boundaries. If he is as I and others here suspect, suffering from the beginnings of a cluster b personality disorder...boundaries are like red flags to a bull for them. The best thing to do, would be for op to set boundaries for herself - as to how much nonsense she will tolerate.
Unfortunately it may be too late to reverse his emerging personality. But you can teach him that physical violence will not be tolerated (or rather, the police can). And you can protect your other children from him.
How do we know its a more deep seated mental problem than just teenage dysfunction? It might be, it might not be.
The op admits she finds him vile. How does that make him feel? Maybe it's taken years of a dysfunctional relationship where he feels unwanted and worthless.
I am not saying that she should put up with it though.
He knows what he is doing. He in violent and abusive. I would call womens aid for advice and the police when he hits any of you. Your other children are suffering too. Maybe he has no friends because he is unlikeable. I would consider him moving out and paying for his accommodation or getting in touch with CAMHS for advice. Let him sit in his room. Dont engage unless its essential. Do you record his outbursts
Abusive should never be excused as 'teenage dysfunction'. He is nearly 18 anyway, not a stroppy 13 year old.
How many sociopaths (4% of society btw) and similar, could have been prevented if we had spotted their developing behaviour for what it was early on? As opposed to dismissing it as being typical childishness or teenage behaviour. Which fyi, beating your family up, really fecken isnt!
This is domestic violence at the hands of your child - it's rough but that's what it is. You need to involve the police. Otherwise he will continue to think he can abuse you.