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Teen step son has completely skidded off the rails

(11 Posts)
Myal Mon 27-Apr-20 22:58:21

It's a long read; apologies in advance.

Parents, really could use some advice here.

Step son has just turned 14 and we have him every other weekend and longer over holidays.
He lives with his mum, step dad and 2 half sisters whilst he has a toddler half sister in our side.

In the last week his mum has stumbled upon secret social media accounts where the 1st alarming thing she saw were pictures of a half naked girl being sent to him, she realised that he had screenshot these and bells starting ringing.
She managed to get access to his insta account (which was being managed by his friend so never to point towards him) and the messages discovered on this account indicate drug use (weed and pills) sexual activity (where he has been incredibly derogatory towards an ex girlfiriend), disgusting language, threats of violence towards another boy (even using the word shanking) and racist and sexist comments; it's honestly shocked us to our core.

His mum has spoken to the girl in question, has spoken to her dad but both son and ex girlfriend have denied sexual relationship. Son has admitted he's been managing the account and most of wht hes posted is him but denied drug use and sex.

However today, he admitted sex with his ex and the comments he subsequently made about her. He also told mum he had unprotected sex resulting in girl having to secretly go to a clinic.

We're 4 parents that have always looked out for him, have different personalities but all have been on the same page with regards to parenting him.
None of us are perfect, things have been tough for us all but step son has never been exposed to problems and if anything, has been quite spoilt.

Literally where do we go from here?? His mum reached out to his school today who responded with a little help but due to lockdown, help is limited.

Other major concern is sexual health, drugs and gang culture in terms of what he may be involved in right now but also where to go for more help in order to teach him hes crossed boundaries and needs to know this is all so wrong??

So worried and confused, please help!!

OP’s posts: |
sleepismysuperpower1 Tue 28-Apr-20 09:16:15

I'm sorry, that sounds really tough. there was a similar thread from a few years ago here, but the advice still stands. The thread mentions counselling, and during the pandemic you can find webcam counselling here. all the best x

Myal Tue 28-Apr-20 15:40:48

Thank you @sleepismysuperpower1.
Each day brings new revelations...this mum has just discovered him discussing where to get knives from.
I've looked at the thread you've signposted (thank you) and am tempted to get authorities involved if not for anything but shock value. However, I'm worried it may be more serious than we know as well and don't want to regret it either.
I told his mum to confiscate his bank card and anything of value in his room and indeed in their house.
Just gutted. My husband is devastated as is the mother....just that- they don't even recognise their son anymore!

OP’s posts: |
sleepismysuperpower1 Tue 28-Apr-20 16:22:33

I know it isn't helpful right now as we are in lockdown, but would you (and his dad and mum) consider signing him up for army cadets? You might find he enjoys it (which is good), it would give him a chance to meet new people and it teaches discipline also. It could also give him and idea of what he would like to be when he grows up, if he chooses to become a member of the armed forces then he can't afford to get a criminal record etc.
I know I said this before but I would look into counselling for him, even if he doesn't open up for the first few sessions at least he knows he has someone to talk to that doesn't know him, and after time you might find he starts to talk to the Councillor about how he is actually feeling/ what is going on.
I would also be tempted to use the screentime app (if he has an iphone, how to do so is here) so that he just has access to messages, not social media or photos etc. download webwatcher onto the phone (and disable app deletions with screentime - how to do so here -so that he can't delete it). It's up to you whether you tell him that it is installed on his phone or not, there are pros and cons to both telling him and not.

all the best x

YouJustDoYou Tue 28-Apr-20 16:26:08

What is the age of the girl? Those photos need reporting to the police childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/sexting/

Myal Tue 28-Apr-20 21:17:12

Same age as step son; 14.
His mum is ready for a bit of tough love and think she will involve police and girls parents. It's just gone too far and beyond just our intervention. We also aren't really sure how far this has all gone...has he shared the images, is he actually dealing in the drugs? We only have his word at the moment and none of us are entirely convinced.

OP’s posts: |
coulddowithashag Tue 28-Apr-20 21:22:27

I would contact your local Youth Offending service and tell them about the knives. The one I used to volunteer for would not want him criminalised but would do early intervention work around knife crime. The teams also often have health services attached to them including sexual health and could also possibly provide a mentor.

sleepismysuperpower1 Wed 29-Apr-20 09:09:48

I agree with PP- make a report about the knives (you can find a youth offending service local to you here), and I would make a report about the nudes to the CEOP too (link here). You and his parents could also talk to the parent helpline by youngminds (linked to website) who will be able to offer support. all the best

YouJustDoYou Thu 30-Apr-20 09:52:57

It's a criminal offence to share and keep photos of children - the police need notifying asap, as this is a safe guarding issue.

YouJustDoYou Thu 30-Apr-20 12:02:19

She (the mother of ss) also has a duty to report those photos as she as an adult has viewed child pornographic images, by not reporting if the police later find out then she will be prosecuted. This absolutely needs reporting.

Fleetheart Thu 30-Apr-20 23:49:51

I would speak to the police; the schools and gangs teams are quite helpful to youths who are vulnerable in this way. They organise lives not knives sessions and will talk to him

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