My teenagers are so mean

[OhYeahLucky]

Two teenage DDs. No acknowledgement whatsoever of Mother’s Day. Not even a Cadbury’s cream egg for Easter.

They think the sun shines out of their dad’s arse. It doesn’t. He’s an abusive narcissist who has don’t the best he can to avoid actually looking after them. Turns up once a week and plays the cool dad. He’s been to the grand total of one school play and parents eve in his life.

Youngest DD in particular was such a sweet child but now takes her lead from her older sister who can behave pretty heartlessly.

Just been out with them for a run to get them out of the house (couch to 5k). Have probs with my legs so had to stop and stretch to avoid injury, eldest DD wouldn’t even entertain waiting. I ended up coming home alone and didn’t finish the run, we got halfway. I was trying so hard, I just came home and sobbed.

They are so mean and disrespectful. I can’t send them to live with their dad, he has too many issues. Have no communication with him whatsoever. Obviously grandparents are out at the moment.

I’m at my wits end. I honestly tried my hardest to bring them up well and have sacrificed so much for them. I don’t understand how they can just throw it all back in my face.

I think I’ve probably been too soft on them over the years, maybe I’ve spoilt them. I know teenagers are tricky but I was expecting drinking, boys and drugs but not plain nastiness.

I just don’t know how to go on.

[Bunnybigears]

Nothing you have described seems nasty just typical teenage self centred behaviour. I wouldnt expect an Easter egg from my children especially as shopping at the moment is difficult. If it wasnt for DH telling my kids what to do re mothers day they wouldn't acknowledge it either. Teenagers can be like that.

[Lolololololol]

When my teenager starts being vile, I just go "on strike" no cooking, no cleaning, washing, I won't lift a finger for him. Usually lasts a day, then he realises the error of his ways and then apologies. All teenagers are self centered, it's just the way they are. But sometimes they just need reminding other people's feeling's are important as well. I'm sure when they are older they will be ashamed of their behaviour now and appreciate everything you do for them.

[OhYeahLucky]

Bunny I get what you’re saying re shops but I did let them go last week, only because I thought they were getting something for Easter. Not essential shopping I know but they were also getting some other bits that we needed.

[YangShanPo]

I think you are expecting too much of them. It's not easy for teens stuck in the house, missing their friends, no school routine and an uncertain future. So they may be in a poor mood about that. Plus in your dds case a Dad who they can't rely on. I know you say they think he's amazing but they must be starting to know he's not there for them when they need him.
It's not right that they are being mean and disrespectful but it's pretty normal for kids to be a bit thoughtless and need a few words to remind them that if they want you to be generous in special occasions they should make an effort for you too.

[OhYeahLucky]

I’ve done striking Lolo, they just end up trashing the kitchen when they cook.

They NEVER apologise.

[Bluntness100]

How old are they op?

When you say no acknowledgement of Mother’s Day. Do you mean they didn’t even mention it? I’d not expect gifts to be honest. It’s not essential shopping.

The waiting for you on the run. I think also it’s ok for her to go at her own pace if she’s fitter. You don’t need to do it together if you’re slower.

Do you have any examples of the nastiness you refer to?

[Bluntness100]

Bunny I get what you’re saying re shops but I did let them go last week, only because I thought they were getting something for Easter

What does this mean, it reads like you only let them go because you thought they were buying you an Easter egg?

[GinWithASplashOfTonic]

I've never brought mum an Easter egg- she doesn't like chocolate for a start. Everything else is naff

And we are the competitive sort of family where if going for a run it's each one for their own.

Also thy are teenagers
I know it seems harsh but yabu

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I have never had an Easter egg from a dc. It’s not the way it goes. My teens trash the kitchen when they cook. They are not being unreasonable.

The run thing, they are being unreasonable.

[Cosyblanky]

Tell them when they've hurt you're feelings by all means but don't take it to heart. All parents make sacrifices, that's part of bring a parent. Teenagers take it for granted, that's part of being a teenager! If you have brought them up well they will grown up to be lovely young women who do appreciate what you do.

[OhYeahLucky]

They are 13 and 16.

Bluntness, zero acknowledgment, not even a “Happy Mother’s Day”, nothing, yet they were down at 9am yesterday for their chocolate.

No other major examples of nastiness but it just seems to infiltrate all of their behaviour, e.g as soon as she hears me getting up in the evening to go to bed, without fault Dd1 will rush to get into the bathroom before me so I end up waiting around for her to finish. I’ve repeatedly asked her not to do it but now have no choice but to race straight to the bathroom to get there before her. Sounds crazy I know! It’s all very low level.

With DD2, I am not allowed to have an opinion. She’s constantly butting in and cutting me down.

[OhYeahLucky]

What does this mean, it reads like you only let them go because you thought they were buying you an Easter egg?

We did need a few other bits, bread, milk etc but I would have gone myself otherwise. We’d had endless conversations about why they couldn’t just go to buy Easter stuff so yes I assumed they were going to get something. In fact, I think they actually tricked me into letting them go to the shops.

[OhYeahLucky]

They bought biscuits, sugar, coke and marshmallows 🙄

[ChandlerIsTheBestFriend]

without fault Dd1 will rush to get into the bathroom before me so I end up waiting around for her to finish.

Maybe you should wait around in her room, goodness what you might find during your time in there. make some noise. She’ll find her way out of the bathroom pretty sharpish.

With DD2, I am not allowed to have an opinion. She’s constantly butting in and cutting me down.

“DD I was speaking. You do not interrupt people. The words you are thinking are not more important than the words I am saying. Your time to respond is when I have finished. By interrupting you are pointing a big red arrow at your own immaturity. Perhaps we’ll wait until you’ve grown up a bit before we have these discussions.”

[YangShanPo]

I find my dd can be very insightful and mature one time and another time quite selfish and rude. It's just growing up and hopefully the nice side is coming out a bit more often as she gets older. On the other hand we have had quite a few arguments during this lockdown which is pretty unusual. I put it down to the stress and try not to let it get to me.

[gingganggooleywotsit]

Op I know exactly what you mean . Just low level consistent nastiness and disdainfulness. My 13 year old treats me the same way, with utter indifference and it's incredibly hurtful. It always starts if I try and stop her going on her phone constantly or stop her from doing something totally age inappropriate she wants to do

[Smashedavacado]

ohyeah I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so low at the moment. Unfortunately the current situation does accentuate things as we are forced to spend more time together. I have a 22 yr old back from uni who seems to have reverted to teenage behaviours - not nice at all. Our boys have never bought myself or husband Easter eggs it's just never been a thing.
I'm a firm believer to in picking battles with teenagers especially at the moment. Do for example hours spent in their rooms, playing playstation at odd hours aren't affecting me but rudeness does. I tend to take the approach of taking about a specific action & how it makes me feel. Just saying you were rude they can argue with. Saying "I felt sad/upset etc when you said xyz" is more difficult for them to challenge as they are your feelings.
I have also found that withdrawing slightly when things get stressful can have an impact on stressful situations. DS2 has a very chilled approach and has learnt that when DS1 tries to wind him up or says anything nasty he simply leaves the room if possible or starts a new conversation with me. This seems to diffuse the situation well & has helped a lot the last few weeks.

[bigchris]

It's the lockdown , it intensifies everything

[rhowton]

Teenage girls can be arseholes. I thought my dad was great. I now know he's a knob and I'm obsessed with my mum who o absolutely adore!! Your girls will come back to you once they stop being selfish, know it all, immature twats (I was one).

[Smellbellina]

Oh OP I really feel for you, i think (hopefully) it is teen behaviour, they will grow out of it and you’ll move on to a good adult relationship. Honestly, I dread these years though because if my DD ran off and left me during a run I’d be really sad too.
I don’t think you sound needy at all, teenagers can be absolute shits sometimes.

[OhYeahLucky]

Thanks for all your lovely responses. I have no doubt that I’d not be writing this if it wasn’t for the lockdown.

Their behaviour has hit me hard as, I’d never have expected such cruelty, especially from my youngest Dd. The eldest has always been a tricky customer. Think I’m also doubly sensitive as I know I’m hormonal atm and also really missing spending time with the wider family as it’s Easter.

I’ve taken on board what everyone’s said about how selfish teenagers can be and I suppose at the moment they’re thinking about the changes to their own lives, they actually miss school and are massively missing their friends who I remember being much more important than family at that age - I can’t really expect them to think about how things are for me. They don’t really get the seriousness of the situation and that there’s actually a chance we actually may loose somebody.

Smashed - I think withdrawing/walking away would be a very good strategy.

Chandler, I’ll make a note of what you said and use it next time.

I didn’t even clock they’d not got any eggs for anybody until yesterday evening so really wasn’t that fussed about that in isolation but when it’s coupled with no recognition of Mother’s Day it just makes the Mother’s Day thing even worse.

As for their Dad, he’s a total narcissist and has done his best to appear to be an amazing, cool and caring dad without actually putting in any of the parenting legwork.

[OhYeahLucky]

Rhowton hopefully they will realise this about their dad at some point rather than putting him on the pedestal that he so desperately craves.

[Electrical]

You can’t give any examples of the ‘such cruelty’ though, you chose to have kids, so they should certainly not be thanking you for your sacrifices 😁 yours don’t sound particularly awful, just standard teenage stuff, certainly not ‘cruel and nasty’

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

I think you're overreacting, none of their behaviour sounds cruel at all.