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13 year old twins always fighting

(44 Posts)
FireUnicorn Thu 26-Mar-20 22:43:17

I've got 5 children my oldest two are 13 year old twins boy and girl.

My twin son is a bit off a bully to all his siblings but more so to his twin sister. Since the lockdown they have been constantly at each other and can't even sit in the same room as one another without fighting. A few times my son has really hurt one off them and I'm fed up with all the tears and worried at leaving them alone together.

Trying to do anything as a family just isn't working at the moment most weekend we are outside and all my children compete in in bike racing which seams to be the only time they get on with each other so they can be nice lol.

How do you deal with teens fighting with each other?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Thu 26-Mar-20 22:45:51

How do you punish his bullying behaviour?

Wearywithteens Thu 26-Mar-20 22:46:10

I would isolate the ‘bully’ until he apologises and agrees to behave.

HauntedHats Thu 26-Mar-20 22:48:55

Yep, isolate the bully. You need to make it clear that you won't tolerate the behaviour.

FireUnicorn Thu 26-Mar-20 22:57:14

If we wasn't on a lock down he wouldn't be allowed ride his bike. Hubby normally deals with the punishment but as he's a keyword he has been working longer hours. Just really struggling to deal with it all

forrestgreen Thu 26-Mar-20 23:02:07

Can you do a reward system for screen time.
Either, everyone is awesome this morning and you've early an hour at lunch.
Or x and y have been awesome and get an hour.

Make it positive where possible

forrestgreen Thu 26-Mar-20 23:03:33

If you usually do an hour of screen time then x & y get extra if you see what I mean

Heygirlheyboy Thu 26-Mar-20 23:05:09

Siblings without rivalry, excellent book.

bloomingwonderful Thu 26-Mar-20 23:08:48

How big is your house?
What are the ages of the other siblings?
Does he have space/privacy?

FireUnicorn Thu 26-Mar-20 23:20:18

Thank you my other children are nearly 9, 5 and 3. He has his own bedroom

Yeahsurewhatever Thu 26-Mar-20 23:34:51

Why is he a bully?

People don’t often just become bullies for no reason.
What’s the pay off to him?

Surely there’s another punishment other than his bike?

Also he’s 13 he’s old enough to be spoken to and told that you should not be worried about what is soon to be a young man, attacking a (soon to be) young woman and younger children, leaving you worried for them to be alone.

Why have you labelled him a bully as well?
Rather than saying he can act out, or he can act a bit rude / aggressive whatever it is
You’ve said he is a bully.
Children really listen to what you tell them they are. They don’t know who they are yet. You’ve clearly defined his role for him though.

Wearywithteens Thu 26-Mar-20 23:37:15

I’m astonished that in 13 years and 5 kids you’ve left the discipline all to your husband? How is that even possible? I can see why the eldest son thinks he rules the roost. You need to step up before your other children resent you because you didn’t prevent this dominant behaviour and them being hurt. Being a parent is about being stern sometimes and teaching children boundaries. This is something both parents should do right from when they are little.

Pentium85 Thu 26-Mar-20 23:38:59

'Hubby normally deals with the punishment'

And there sits a big issue.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort Thu 26-Mar-20 23:41:43

Time for you to deal with the discipline as well then.

CrotchetyQuaver Thu 26-Mar-20 23:44:38

Well it sounds like you need to start sorting out the discipline yourself rather than leaving it all to you husband. It's vital that both parents are completely united on disciple issues as children pick up on it and get very crafty at manipulating the other parent if they so much as sniff a chink of an opportunity. So your husband needs to support you 100% and you need to know what he usually says/does to sort your eldest out. You need to stop the bullying now as it will only get worse

FireUnicorn Thu 26-Mar-20 23:50:52

Fully aware im not a good mum but I didn't need reminding. I do try to discipline them but it's never good enough. I don't belive in shouting at them till they cry and then take away stuff they enjoy on top.

Pentium85 Thu 26-Mar-20 23:53:53

Shouting till they cry? Taking things away?

That's not discipline. That's what parents do who have lost control of the situation and have no other options.

Pentium85 Thu 26-Mar-20 23:54:46

Honestly OP, there sounds WAY more to this than just your children fighting. You're clearly lacking confidence in your parenting skills. Maybe seek some support?

Wearywithteens Thu 26-Mar-20 23:58:26

Discipline is not making them cry but children will naturally react when they are being told off! Mine used to sulk. But at the end of the day you are the adult and you need to rise above it. You set a boundary that is fair and they adhere to it - otherwise yes, things get unpleasant. But that depends on them behaving. As soon as they do, life returns to sunshine and unicorns.

FireUnicorn Fri 27-Mar-20 00:02:38

I don't mean me I don't shout at them till the end up crying. Hubby is a lot more harsher with the children. Anything I try and do isn't good enough with him. Sorry hopfully this makes more sense. Im really at a loss with what to do anymore

Wearywithteens Fri 27-Mar-20 00:13:29

Well for a start you lay the law down and say he does not hurt his siblings any longer. However frustrating the current situation is he is not to lash out at other people. You need to educate him about kindness and self control. Praise him when you see him doing this. Give him opportunities to prove he’s a good lad - helping out etc. Do not let him hurt the others, avoid him being in situations where this is likely to flair up. If he becomes argumentative and aggressive send him to his room and keep him away. Enjoy your time with the other children - laugh and play - let him hear what his bad behaviour is making him miss out on.

I suggest you be consistent and minimise the explosive shouting he gets from your husband. This is a 13 year old on the cusp of manhood - he needs to learn about respect and consequences and he should’ve been getting this from day 1. Hopefully it’s not too late.

Heygirlheyboy Fri 27-Mar-20 07:28:20

He may be imitating your husband's behaviour.. he may be as a pp said playing out the role he's been given in the family. How do you get along with him yourself? Do try and read Siblings without rivalry, it's not long, it's very practical and might help you get your head round some dynamics.

forrestgreen Fri 27-Mar-20 07:53:21

You've just said you don't know what to do but everyone has given you ideas which you've not commented on. Which indicates they're hard work for you so you won't do anything.
Sit down, have a meeting with the kids and decide on the rewards and consequences for bad behaviour

It sounds like his behaviour is down to your lack of parenting.

converseandjeans Fri 27-Mar-20 08:24:18

Sorry you are getting such a hard time OP. You came to ask for help.

You need to sit down with kids & make a loose timetable for the day with some rewards in there. So they get positive points with reward at end of lockdown. Then everyone gets a point/marble.

Also have consequence for mean behaviour - take point away, up to room etc.

My DB was quite nasty to me & my parents never really dealt with it. He used to make fun of me, hit me, refuse to share, ignore me etc... I think it was partly boredom/jealousy but also just his unfortunate personality.

bloomingwonderful Fri 27-Mar-20 09:36:59

* Fully aware im not a good mum but I didn't need reminding.*

This sounds so immature and it's ridiculous a mother of 5 has whimpered this when asking for help because you are failing to protect and parent your children. Suck it up.

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