So right off the bat, I'm a dad - not a mum (hope I'm allowed). Not really sure I can even call myself a dad right now, but I'm definitely a bloke who has recent found out he's a father.
A little background, because I guess it's important... I never knew my own father. I had a step dad, and I wish I didn't, I don't have anything nice to say about him, he was a drunk and a violent one. My mum left him when I was 8 and I've never seen him since. Sadly my beautiful mum got sick when I was 13 and passed away, and I went into the foster system.
I met this girl when I was 16 at school. We we're proper opposites, I just always seemed to have a way of getting myself in a barney, whereas she, she was calm and a bit reserved and sensible and had her head screwed on. On paper it shouldn't of worked but in reality it did, we were really happy, her parents weren't impressed at all, but she ended up delaying uni and we went travelling.
We we're 19 and on a beach in Malaysia when she told me we we're done. She wanted to get serious and I wasn't the bloke she saw that with I guess. She went home next day, and it took me another 6 weeks to decide that me life was better with her it. So I went back home, but she was dating someone else. He was everything that I'm not, and everything that she was, and I decided that maybe that was how it should be. So I left again.
And I didn't hear a dicky from her for another 16 years.
...Till she contacted me on fb couple of months ago.
I feel like this is like chapter 2 now, so hold your hats.. She wanted to meet, but she kept pushing the date, saying she was ill or busy. I thought it was weird, till I met her early last month.
Fast facts:
- She married this lad she met after we split up
- They raised a daughter together
- Only.. this daughter wasn't his
- He was a solider and he was killed on duty when this girl was 8
- Meaning my ex became a 'solo mum'
- And the kicker is that she, my ex, she got diagnosed with cancer in December, and it's, basically at a stage where there's not anything they can do to make it not, terminal.
............I didn't react very well.
It was just so much information so quickly.. I just couldn't process it. I did ask for a paternity test though.
To cut a long story short, we got the results of that a couple of weeks later, which proves what she says and so I met her again then...
I told her straight that I feel like it's fair enough if I wasn't the guy for her, but i wasn't a bad guy, I never treated her badly, and was never her right to decide that someone else could have been a better father to my kid. I'm a bit unconventional as people go, I'm a bit different, but I've always wanted my own family, I was disappointing that hadn't happened for me yet in life. I was always so sure that if I had a kid I'd do it right, they wouldn't grow up the way I did, I'd give them everything that I never had.
And I feel like it wasn't her choice to make, and she robbed me of the chance of all that. My dad left before I was born, I would never have done that, but she didn't give me a choice.
She basically said that.. at the time she didn't think I was ready (I probably wasn't - but I would of grown into it - I guess we'll never know now), and that she had fun with me, but that she saw this solid family with him, and he didn't want me in the picture.
I asked her why now? Like she must know other people, and if I was such a poor bet for a father before then why now.
And she said "Because she's your daughter Ollie180. I saw it in that first really proper school report she got 'DD gets on well with her classmates, perhaps too well as she chats too much in class, and definitely feels comfortable in the spotlight', and I've seen it everyday since more and more. I raised her, but my god she's your daughter! She's got such a kind heart, she charismatic, shes always glass half full, she sees the big picture but never has time for the details and sometimes she's so foolhardy that it scares me! Oh and there's only one other person I've ever met who lights up a room quite the same way she does!"
I didn't know what to say really, not a problem I usually have, but I just felt so many things at once.
And while I sat there she went "and because in the middle of all of this is a kid who's world is about to turn upside down. I wanted her to have a childhood like mine, because I thought that was right, I wanted that stability for her, (she started to get more upset) but that's not something I'm going to have been able to give her, and if there's anybody at all that could relate to her now then it's you Ollie, I know that it's you."
Pfffftttttt.....
I feel so many things, I feel so sad for everything I feel like I've lost, and angry about it too. I also feel really sad that she's sick, cause I still care about her, I don't think that ever stops when you've loved someone. Then on top of that there's this 15 year old girl, and truth is I have been where she is, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
There's no discussion to be had over what I do, I'll be there for her, as much as I can possibly be. She's my kid, and I always promised myself I wouldn't let any kid of mine down.
I just, it's hard..... so far I've met her once. Only like an introduction really, for a couple of hours with her mum too. It was okay, it was a bit awkward. But I'm going to see her again this week, her mum's taken a bit of a bad turn so they've been to the hospital quite a bit. I'm going to try and take her out just me and her.. It's so difficult though.. like i knew when i was with her that I was trying to hard and I was probably coming off like a tool. I just want so bad to like make up for 15 years of history that we don't have. And then at the same time this girl is going through a horrible horrible time, so she's hardly in the best place for 'fun trips out'.
I don't know what I'm asking really.. I guess I'm just reaching out for advice..
How do I play this?
How regularly should I be seeing her? talking to her?
How tf do I parent a 15 year old?
Sorry that ended up such an essay, I just feel like no one I know knows how to help, or what to say.