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He simply will not accept he's in the wrong

(18 Posts)
Wetfloortiles Sun 08-Mar-20 22:49:12

I'm at my wit's end with my arrogant 16 year old son.

I have had several calls from school regarding his arrogance, backchat and questioning of adults ..... apparently if he is told to stop what he's doing and listen to the teacher, he won't and when told again, will argue the toss about why he should be able to carry on. A teacher called me last week and described him as 'relentless'

I saw he'd been up at 2am with a Facebook post but he lies and says that Facebook got the time wrong or it was delayed in posting it... Even with evidence Infront of my face, he'll smirk and lie his way out of it.

He was told off at school for not following school rules with wearing his blazer...he goes into victim mode saying it's only him that ever geta told that and will not understand that a rule is a rule.

He simply will not accept any wrong doing, and will literally lie to my face even when caught out and literally smirks telling me how much I overreact and asks me why I cause arguments with him.

He is known to be a know-it-all, arrogant boy, but just laughs in my face and says 'only 2 people think that'(not true)

He's relentless and it's infuriating. He never ever backs down so there is not a point where I can have a mature discussion with him about it.
I have 2 other teenagers who can push the boundaries but aren't arrogant like this and certainly don't lie like this. I fear they will copy him though.

I feel like he has such an unpleasant character and I just don't know what to do with him anymore.

He doesn't drink or smoke etc etc but this personality is just horrid.

Advice please.

64sNewName Sun 08-Mar-20 22:53:39

Not sure what to suggest but it sounds awfully challenging and I sympathise, so just a bump for your thread really. Hopefully better answers to follow

DPotter Sun 08-Mar-20 22:55:14

Is there anyone he has a modicum of respect for? Could that person come and have a firm word?
What sort of repercussions is he facing for his bad behaviour? I would suggest hitting him where it hurts - removing wifi privileges, screens, allowances etc.

Pumpkintopf Sun 08-Mar-20 22:58:45

Hmm. Is his dad around? Could the two of you sit down with him calmly with examples of when he has displayed this behaviour- only because sometimes that can be easier than him tying one of you up in knots.

Alternatively could a teacher he likes and respects sit down with you and him and explain that he has very many good points but his reluctance to listen and comply when asked will certainly hold him back in the future if not addressed?

If you're concerned about OOH social media use or it affecting his attitude- phones/devices downstairs at bedtime.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug Sun 08-Mar-20 23:04:03

Change your WiFi password, don't pay for any data on his plan if he has one, take his phone physically if necessary. If he's not on Facebook at 2am then it won't matter as he wouldn't need his phone at night, surely? Play him at his own game, don't be intimidated. You are the parent, the house is yours the rules are yours. Remind him that you love him and want the best for him but that you cannot let him continue on a self destructive path.

Herocomplex Sun 08-Mar-20 23:04:17

Ask him. Ask him what he wants.
By all means tell him what you want, but find out what he wants as well.

Telling lies can be about feelings of shame. You don’t mention any damage he causes, but does he lose his cool at all? Is Dad around? Whats the family set up? Is he angry about something?

It sounds incredibly difficult for all of you.

ChicCroissant Sun 08-Mar-20 23:13:59

I would try not to get into a back-and-forth conversation about it tbh. Do you say to him outright that he's lying and that it is obvious to people? I'd calmly say that the evidence shows otherwise/he is wrong on this point and do not enter into any discussion that allows him to talk himself into a corner. While I wouldn't normally shut people down in conversation, he seems to be set to 'broadcast' and when he's talking, he is making it worse for himself.

I suspect he knows that his lies make him look daft unpopular, but he can't see his way out of it now without backing down which he doesn't want to do!

Wetfloortiles Mon 09-Mar-20 08:42:58

Thank you everyone.

I have 3 teenagers. He is the eldest and I'm not with his father. The other 2 are with my husband.

His father is on the scene and I went to him for some help and was told 'don't involve me in your arguments'.
The argument is not even just with me. It is with everyone that my son is around - everyone says the same. The final straw was the phone calls home last week (which he denies are his fault again).

I have asked his father to have him this week. I sent a non-emotional text to him to explain that I will not accept his behaviour, arrogance and lies and that this week he will be staying with his father. All he replied was 'you need to bring me my trainers then'.

Herocomplex Mon 09-Mar-20 09:48:42

You can hate his behaviour but do you love him? I think he’s got himself into a pattern of alienating everyone around him to prove what he suspects, that he’s not very likeable. Do you worry that people are judging you because of his behaviour? If he resents you for something (and he might not understand what that is himself) then making you unhappy is an intention.

His father sounds unwilling to emotionally co-parent so you’re getting all the pain.

You can be empathetic to your son while giving him strong boundaries. I don’t think punishment is going to work here, he’ll just up his game and both of you will continue to suffer.

DPotter Mon 09-Mar-20 10:03:46

Well I hope you haven't taken over his trainers. A terse reply along the lines of 'Magic word?' would be winging its way back to him from my phone.
Does he have grandparents ?- can be a very useful relationship for young people to have. Someone near enough but not the day to day.
Failing that - does the school have a counselling support? Could be worth making contact and talking through some options for approach yourself, even if your DS doesn't want to engage

Wetfloortiles Mon 09-Mar-20 10:39:45

I love him to pieces but I really don't like him at the moment.

@Herocomplex You're so right, I am getting all the pain. I just feel there is no way of getting through to him. I definitely worry about judgement. I am a teacher and I admit that when children behave horrendously I can't help but wonder what the parents are doing!

@DPotter absolutely - I've told him that I will not be delivering his trainers or anything else this week.

Having just spoken to his dad, apparently my son is 'generally great, polite and no issues' when at his house which is always lovely to hear confused. I wonder if that will change this week when he has to do all the actual parenting and if he receives the calls from school.

I must admit, I have taken today off work as I'm just in tears and feel like such a failure sad

Herocomplex Mon 09-Mar-20 11:44:20

Hopefully the break from each other will do you both some good, you sound at the end of your tether. I think there’s a support thread on here somewhere for parents of teens who are pushing them.

Just to repeat, decide what your boundaries are for behaviour, make them very clear, but try very hard to find some common ground where you can meet each other. Can you offer to meet him somewhere neutral for a coffee later in the week, to have a chat? It might be a chance to let the tension out before he comes home.

dancemom Mon 09-Mar-20 11:53:44

I know this is easy for me to say ... but its a teenage thing.

Try to remember his brain is not fully developed and as such he genuinely believes that he is right.
So if everyone was telling you its Friday but you know its Monday .... you would argue it and possibly be arrogant about it ...

What I remind myself is you didn't get angry with your 5 year old when they were physically too small to reach something ... so try not to get angry with your teenager when they are similarly underdeveloped in life and social skills.

Deal with the lies but don't get drawn into arguments and justifying and proving things.
Sooner or later he will either grow out of it or get a reality check and learn from it.
Good luck and repeat to yourself - he is under developed, he is underdeveloped.....

h0llygolightly Mon 09-Mar-20 16:01:06

High school can be such a toxic environment for teenagers, the expectation that young people must be perfect at all times can be very stressful, and he may feel he needs to act up to feel heard.
It is hard at times and you just have to try to remember that he is young and doesn't fully understand how things work in the real world outside of that environment.
Try and set some solid boundaries in place, and encourage good behaviour.
Keep in regular contact with his school.
Don't beat yourself up about it, you are NOT a failure. These things have a tendency to pass in time and he will probably grow out of the arrogance as he gets older and learns from past mistakes.
The most important thing is that he understands the affects his behaviour has on the people around him, communication is key.
HTH, and don't take him his trainers!wink

Shoutymomma Thu 12-Mar-20 17:26:37

He’s not too old to have privileges removed (data, WiFi, spending money). Be prepared for ‘storming off to live with dad’ who would soon see the difference between visiting and cohabitating. Also, there is likely to be someone at his school that you could talk to (parent liaison/parent support). He won’t be a dick forever, honest. X

PassDo Thu 12-Mar-20 23:54:38

I get it OP. IMO some people are born this way, and the style of parenting makes little impact. it can be a living hell for the parents. Really, for your own sanity, I’d make him stay at his dads.

willowmelangell Thu 26-Mar-20 17:19:16

@Wetfloortiles How are you?
How are your dc managing being off school?

piperm Thu 26-Mar-20 23:44:19

Play his own game, be smart, if he acts like he's not doing things, do stuff like change the password and put it into his siblings phones without them seeing the password, take his phone at night, refuse to let him do what he wants, you are in charge and I'm sorry you have to deal with this

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