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Anyone any similar experiences of supporting son through unwanted pregnancy?

(110 Posts)
BarelyTreadingWater Tue 04-Feb-20 13:07:40

My son is not an irresponsible person, he used a condom and she said she was on the pill but now she says she is pregnant (very early days).

He is just 19, she is almost 18.

The relationship was casual, he was only cautiously starting to date again after a break up that left him in a very bad way.

He doesn’t want this child, she says she does but the conversations seem to be more about her trying to persuade him to be in a more committed relationship with her.

She is texting and calling constantly, either cajoling or trying to provoke an argument. Anything to get a response from him. If it’s not the one she wants she kicks off. It feels like she will say and do anything to pressure him into a relationship.

I fully appreciate that being pregnant is a difficult situation to find yourself at 17 (I have girls too). It is of course her choice what decision she makes about the pregnancy.
I don’t think she really realises that he doesn’t have the resilience to look after her and a child at the moment - he was only just starting to recover himself after several suicide attempts in the last 2 years.
It has taken a long while to get him to this stage where he was coping with most every day things. He wanted to take things slowly.

Now he feels that he ought to support any child that is his but can’t see how he will cope with the stresses a child and coparenting will bring. He has some insight as one of his sisters is in a relationship with a guy who has a child by his previous partner.

He is so distraught and in so much emotional pain that I genuinely fear for his safety.

OP’s posts: |
drinkingwineoutofamug Tue 04-Feb-20 13:13:05

If he was sensible and used protection how is she pregnant unless (and not saying she did) it was tampered with.

Is he sure this is his baby?

Is there proof of the pregnancy?

Has she told her parents and what are their thoughts?

What are your thoughts on the situation?

Whynosnowyet Tue 04-Feb-20 13:13:13

Could she be lying to try and force him to commit?
My ds has just got out of an abusive relationship and we were tbh expecting similar announcements...

drinkingwineoutofamug Tue 04-Feb-20 13:13:58

Sorry my post hasn't come across the way I wanted it to. Don't mean to offend

JuanSheetIsPlenty Tue 04-Feb-20 13:21:14

He needs to sit down with her and tell her very clearly (but gently-she’s going through the wringer too) that he will not be having a relationship with her but will support his child. She needs to know for 100% sure she won’t have him before it’s too late to have an abortion.

thekaiserswife Tue 04-Feb-20 13:23:01

You say he used a condom. Does he have proof of the pregnancy, is it his?

slipperywhensparticus Tue 04-Feb-20 13:24:31

Support him to be clear to her that he doesnt want a relationship with her in that way he wi be civil for the sake of the baby and support the baby

Are you sure she is pregnant?

BarelyTreadingWater Tue 04-Feb-20 13:47:39

The condom failed. It turns out it was at the beginning (first week) of taking the pill so protective effect wouldn’t have kicked in.
I’m not going to lie, it did cross my mind that she may have tampered with the condom (she supplied it). I don’t know her so I don’t know what kind of person she is.
My son wouldn’t have chosen her if he didn’t think she was nice, he said she wasn’t like this before.

OP’s posts: |
inwood Tue 04-Feb-20 13:50:02

First week of taking the pill she'd be non fertile, don't you start after the first day of your last period?

Has he actually seen a test?

I'd make my decisions / feelings clear after that.

BarelyTreadingWater Tue 04-Feb-20 13:57:56

Thank you for the responses so far everyone. No offence taken.

He has told her from the time she let him know that he doesn’t want this and isn’t ready for the responsibility.
He is only just about functioning himself day to day, it would be wrong if him to promise to be a significant part of the child’s life just now . It’s not just someone trying to shirk responsibility, he just hasn’t got it to give at the moment.

She is extremely persistent and keeps contacting him and trying to get him to say he’ll stay with her.

She has sent him a photo of the pregnancy test. That is the proof so far.

I don’t know if she’s lying. He is taking her seriously though.

She says she’s not telling her parents until after 12 weeks in case of miscarriage.

OP’s posts: |
Hanab Tue 04-Feb-20 14:02:51

Ask him to accompany her to the drs and get a dr to confirm pregnancy. Then they can sit down and have an honest chat perhaps with the parents to support them. ( they are rather young)
If she chooses to go ahead with the pregnancy that is her prerogative. His is wether to be in a committed relationship or not with her.
He can co parent but there is NO law that says he has to be in a relationship with her.

waterbottle12 Tue 04-Feb-20 14:04:56

GPs don't do pregnancy tests, you buy them over the counter. Please don't waste a GP appt for that.

user14928465 Tue 04-Feb-20 14:06:12

She's still a child herself.

Must be bloody terrifying to be pregnant and have the father saying "sorry, too difficult, all the best".

There are plenty of threads on here started by adult women absolutely distraught to find themselves pregnant with a partner saying "you're on your own" , why are you trying to paint her as some manipulative madam for having the same reaction?

Purpleartichoke Tue 04-Feb-20 14:09:30

I would encourage him to be clear with her that a relationship between them is off the table for now. Whatever choice she makes, this is a lot for people their age to deal with and trying to build a relationship through that isn’t a good idea.

Then I would sit down and figure out the financial realities. Is he in school or working? Are you currently subsidizing him financially? What kind of plan can the two of you come up with to make this work. In a perfect world he would figure it out on his own, but you say he is already struggling so I would help him plan.

Finally, as soon as the baby is born, get a dna test.

BarelyTreadingWater Tue 04-Feb-20 14:09:37

My thoughts are that something sounds odd about the timings etc but I can only go on what my son tells me. He seems convinced.

From what I’ve heard of their conversations she seems to have an overly romanticised view of pregnancy - she is only young - and that when he sees the baby he’ll change his mind.

He has been thoughtful and considerate throughout whilst being clear about the fact that he isn’t ready.
She is very emotional (understandably if she’s pregnant) and will shout and hang up and say he’s being unkind if he won’t say what she wants.

It’s just such a mess. I can see it pushing him back down, he’s struggling to sleep and eat again and can’t concentrate on anything.

My biggest fear is that he will find it overwhelming and make another attempt.

OP’s posts: |
TheCrowFromBelow Tue 04-Feb-20 14:10:20

He needs to sit down with her and tell her very clearly (but gently-she’s going through the wringer too) that he will not be having a relationship with her but will support his child. She needs to know for 100% sure she won’t have him before it’s too late to have an abortion.
This is a very sensible suggestion for a difficult situation.
Then she has all the information up front rather than expecting a fairy tale relationship to emerge.

TerribleCustomerCervix Tue 04-Feb-20 14:10:43

She has sent him a photo of the pregnancy test. That is the proof so far.

I’m only saying this as your ds is so adamant that he used proper protection, but have you reverse Google imaged that photo?

I think it’s a bit odd that she hasn’t at least told her mother, presuming that she has a half way decent relationship with her.

fruitbrewhaha Tue 04-Feb-20 14:11:52

From what you have said I'm still not convinced she is pregnant. It could be a photo she has lifted off the internet, or you can buy fake test that show a positive reading.

However, it's very difficult to call. I'm going by the info in your posts. So your son has to keep on with what he has said, he doesn't want a relationship with her, but will be involved with the child. He will do the right thing.

If she is indeed pregnant, she may decide it's not for the best to keep it if she and your son aren't an item. Or she may keep the baby and your son will be fine. He has a very supportive mother in you.

peachgreen Tue 04-Feb-20 14:12:18

If you have sex you run the risk of pregnancy. End of story. If he can't handle that possibility then he needs to not have sex. I'm sorry to sound harsh but it's the truth.

I understand that your instinct is to protect your son but there's also a very frightened 17 year old girl in this situation. You say that your son says she wasn't "like this" before - but what do you mean by "like this"? She's pregnant. She's desperate to know everything is going to be okay. Of course it's not, and of course your son has absolutely no obligation to be in a relationship with her, but you can understand why she would want your son to commit to her and the baby and therefore why she's looking to provoke a response.

You've had some good practical advice about confirming the pregnancy which I think is wise. However, once it's confirmed your son is going to have to spend the next 8 months or so getting himself mentally, emotionally and financially prepared to support his child, and you'll have to help him with that.

I feel very sorry for all of you in this situation, it's not easy at all. My younger brother was in a similar situation and it was very hard on both families. But ultimately he had to step up and take responsibility for his actions and there was nothing anyone could or should have done to protect him from that.

Goosebury Tue 04-Feb-20 14:12:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrowFromBelow Tue 04-Feb-20 14:16:17

Having read your updates he needs to be blunter then, that he will support the child out of necessity, but whatever he feels for the child when it arrives will not change his feelings for her and he will not be cohabiting with her.
Who is she talking to about this apart from him, if she hasn’t told her parents?

BarelyTreadingWater Tue 04-Feb-20 14:19:41

*Could she be lying to try and force him to commit?
My ds has just got out of an abusive relationship and we were tbh expecting similar announcements...*
I’m sorry your son went through this. I hope he’s ok now.

OP’s posts: |
ToEarlyForDecorations Tue 04-Feb-20 14:19:43

Does the positive pregnancy test belong to her, i.e. did she somehow snaffle a positive test from someone's household rubbish bin ?

Did she ask a pregnant friend to POAS for her ?

As pp's have said is it a photo that could be fake or the positive test ?

Please make a Dr appointment for your son as he is very stressed by this. It's not a waste of a Dr's time.

TheCrowFromBelow Tue 04-Feb-20 14:26:28

I haven’t read any of this as OP’s son suggesting he won’t “step up” though.
It takes two to make a baby and girls don’t have a monopoly on being scared about an unplanned pregnancy. She should to seek advice and support from her family rather than only laying it on him and expecting a pregnancy to turn into a relationship he doesn’t want. If she goes ahead with the pregnancy on those terms at least they all know where they stand and as you say he has 8 months to get his head into gear.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust Tue 04-Feb-20 14:33:15

JuanSheetIsPlenty and purpleartichoke have it I think.

I also have both boys and girls and you have to tread a fine line of empathising with both, whilst being practical.

There is also the fact she may not be pregnant, as has been discussed, and of course even if she is its very early and 25% of pregnancies don't last until the 12 week point.

I think he needs to stick to a script during exchanges with her. He (or if his mental health is very fragile you as a family) will of course meet your obligations if she chooses to go ahead with the pregnancy. He respects that this is her choice and he takes responsibility. However he is not able to be in a romantic relationship with her now or ever and for practical reasons his preference is for termination of the pregnancy.

Just support him to play that on a loop. She does need to look to her own family for emotional support. You do need to support him to meet his obligations if the pregnancy exists and a baby is born.

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