Is this normal or has it gone further?

[Lemonsaretheonlyfruit]

Hi. I have read a lot of the threads on here and found them really helpful in many ways, and I love the rope letter. . I am starting my own thread as I am at the end of my tether.

DD isn't even 13 yet (v soon to be) and I am really struggling. It's changing the atmosphere of the whole house daily and I often dread coming home at the moment.

Her dad and I split when she was 3 . We have always had an amicable relationship and Co parent together well. It's me, her and DS (9) who live here.

About 6 weeks ago it's like she changed over night. She's sullen, moody, days really hurtful things and refuses to interact with family life. It extends to school too. I getting constant calls (on average 2 a week) from the school saying that she was rude and disrespectful in classes and she has countless detentions. We have been for 2 meetings at the school - all seems positive at the time then it starts again.

She won't talk to me. I have tried everything. She says she has her friends to talk to and doesn't need me. I saw something she has written that says she is finding all of the friendships she has to uphold hard (she's v popular) and words to the effect of it all being an act and not liking who she really is. She seems really unhappy. She also wrote down that she thinks she is depressed. She has just told me that her dad is helping her more than her and for me to go away. I try not to ask her what's wrong all the time and just be normal whilst letting her know I'm there. I just went up to see if she wanted help with her homework and she asked me to leave.

I'm feeling really hurt but this isn't about me. ( though am I right in thinking that it's common for mums to get a harder time?) More than anything else I'm worried about her. Is this normal? I could handle a few slamming doors but it feels underlying all of this that she's not happy.

I take her phone away at 9.30 every night which is always met with venom. She has stopped getting out of bed in the morning without having to be practically dragged out and seems to have lost her spark.

About 6 weeks ago it was like this for about 2 weeks then she got her first period and turned into her normal lovely self for about a week. I put it down to hormones etc. But this feels a bit soon for pmt for the next one.

From those who have done this before what would you do? I am not averse to her talking to someone (am no stranger the therapy myself) but does she need to? And If we do decide that it might be good for her to talk to someone else then better to do this through the school or just keep it separate?

Sorry for the long post. I just want to know where 'normal' becomes something to be more concerned about.

[Lemonsaretheonlyfruit]

Sorry. I could just do with some advice please. Anyone?

[comingupafterthebreak]

Do you ever check her phone and messages between her and friends? I suspect that there's something very untoward going on in her friendship group at the moment.

[Pipandmum]

Have you talked to her father and how she behaves with him? Does the school offer any pastoral care? It sounds like she is struggling and it may help for her to talk to someone outside her family. Does she have a favourite aunt or other adult who she may open up to? But if she does don't expect full details- she may only speak on the condition it is confidential.

[Lemonsaretheonlyfruit]

@comingupafterthebreak thanks.

I admit I didn't check much at all when she seemed happy and all was well. I have been now though. The problem is that they are all on Snapchat or sent those messages on Instagram that disappear. I saw I couple of messages from a boy in the year above her that went a bit beyond what I was comfortable with (back and forth messages with a couple of slightly crude comments from him.. witt her replying in a similar manner) .. Her dad spoke to her about it and told her to unfollow him. But I guess she does see him at school.

I can't see any evidence of anything other than that. The problem now is that she knows I check so I suspect stuff is getting deleted.

[Lemonsaretheonlyfruit]

@Pipandmum

My sister was here at the weekend and tried but nothing. Her dad and I are in contact about this at least a couple of times a day as we are both worried.

It's also hard as, whilst she is getting into trouble at school, I don't know how to deal with it as I know it's as a result of whatever problems she is dealing with. Under normal circumstances there would be phone confiscations, sanctions etc but I feel like I have to tread carefully.

I feel like I'm at a loss. Her dad has a v supportive partner who he talks to lots about this. I have good friends but none of them are dealing with this. I feel quite isolated.

[mcmen05]

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit yes it is typical teenage to be worse on the mum. I really think it's friendship groups and hormones. if you are all ready following the group the rope lots of good advice on there.

Take her out somewhere nice just you too and have a laugh and don't bring anything up unless she does and it will be a way of gaining her trust. Start talking about when you where her age what your friends where like and she might start to open up and compare.
Talk about boyfriends when you where younger see if she will open up about boys. Girls and boys have lots of fallouts about who is going with who at this age. Hold onto the rope it will pass.

[KipperBang]

I have a 13 year old DS and I monitor his phone. He is allowed Instagram on the understanding it's a private account and I follow him - and check messages when I feel like it - but I don't allow any other social media yet. He knows he had a phone, iPad and Instagram on the understanding that if I see anything I don't like on there, I will remove his devices.

She's still 12? I'd focus on the social media and the messages. I wouldn't let her engage in sexual type chat with boys - it's an absolute no no isn't it? Again, she is 12, not 15.

It'll make you unpopular but it's time to shut down some accounts and be more involved in what she's doing online with her friends. I suspect you'll find the answer to her behaviour here. Don't leave this until she's of an age where it's much harder to control. At 12, what you say goes where this sort of thing is concerned, you have to protect her right now