13 year old - help!

[Bex8814]

Hi, my first time posting so bare with me!

I have 3 sons, 2 have additional needs but the one I'm struggling with the most does not. He is 13. He is extremely bright, has tons of potential and very well supported in all that he does. Example, we don't want him to feel over shadowed by his siblings so both me and his dad stand and support him weekly at his football matches, weekly training sessions and kickboxing sessions. He also has an extra couple of hours in the evening with just us and his dad takes him to snooker once a week. We've just paid hundreds of pounds for his year 9 residential trip and anything he wants we try to give. We've a modest income so he doesn't have the best of the best but the best that we can provide. Over the last year there's been a real slip in his behaviour at home and at school. I am regularly contacted by the school over his behaviour being poor, disrespectful, disruptive and rude. He's often in detention. Is on exit cycles for 3 lessons (meaning he isn't allowed in the class), he's on report currently and last week alone was in internal exclusion twice. This isn't my child. At primary school he was never once in trouble and flew through every test, assessment with flying colours. Now he just won't apply himself. At parents evening every single teacher said the same, that he is capable, bright but he won't apply himself and finds it more amusing to be the class clown and get the laughs.

We had an incident a few months ago where him and his friends made a stupid choice and took drugs (spice). His friend ended up in hospital for 3 days. Since this happened my son has been grounded. A few weeks ago I let him back out but said he had to stay in the local area where I could see him (we live facing a large park so this was the area). He went out of sight and I got a call from a friend to say she could see him vaping. He's again grounded. He's not allowed on social media since repeatidly sending and receiving inappropriate pictures, we've given and given and compromised with this with new conditions, with parental apps etc but he hasn't stopped so now it's a ban. Last week he stole my e cigarette out of my drawer in my bedroom. He stole his dad's on Saturday while they were having a dad's lads night watching films, he stood up and dad's ecig fell out of his pocket. I have a bottle of red wine left from Xmas in the kitchen which I now use for cooking, this morning it's empty.

He's going down a spiral and I don't know how to stop it. I adore the bones of him and it breaks my heart to see where he's heading, it's more upsetting that he knows all this and doesn't care. He lies, he steals, he bullies, is rude, mean, spiteful and I just don't understand him. I've spoken with the school and with his friends to see if maybe he was being bullied but it seems he is the one doing the bullying. He certainly is at home to his younger brothers (who are both autistic). He is extremely cruel to them, thankfully they don't fully understand this but that doesn't make it right and it can't continue.

I'd really appreciate any advice at all. I am not about to give up and will try and try forever and a day if I have to!

From a very desperate Mum x

[FishCanFly]

Alcohol and other controlled substances - don't store them at home. Buy the exact amount you need. Its too much of a temptation.

[mcmen05]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3711135-Thread-three-holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-PoTs-where-parenting-a-teen-is-adversely-affecting-your-mental-health

Hope this link can help.

[M0onFace]

Mine is 13 and in year 8 and I keep him on a tight leash! He's quite a young 13 though so I've not experienced the issues you have but, to pre empt any nonsense I wouldn't let him go out anymore. Where is he going? Why do you let him? I'd be happy to drop line at a friends for something specific but it would be a no to hanging round a park or wherever for no reason. 13 year olds don't need to be doing that , especially ones that can't behave

Restrict his money so he can't buy stuff you don't want him to. Don't keep alcohol or cigarettes / vape stuff in your house - or lock it away in your car or wherever.

Enforce a strict bed time - we have no devices from 9pm and bed by 9.45pm.

You say you've caught him sending and receiving inappropriate images. That's serious. I would remove all social media accounts. My DS is allowed Instagram - on the understanding I'm following him on there and I have access to all messages should I want to look at them. I also have access to his phone and he knows not to commit anything to text that he wouldn't want his grandma to read. I've said no to any other SM stuff for now

So, in a nutshell, take away all SM. Stop him going out to hang around. Tighten up his internet access - what else has he been looking at? Control his access to cash. Work with the school to bring him up to the required standard again

I wouldn't dole out punishments I don't think. I'd just tighten everything up, chat with him about it all and monitor him more closely for now

[Porcupineinwaiting]

Pretty much what they ^ said. But as well as that, I'd be asking myself what was going on with him at the moment. Because the way he's behaving seems to me to be reflecting some inner turmoil, or lack of self-esteem or lack of something ^. And I'd want to know what.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

Ok, ignore the random italics

[Bex8814]

Thank you for the replies.

This is what I have been worrying about. I explored the being bullied avenue because he is not appearing a happy child at all but that proved fruitless. I've told him countless times if he can't talk to me, his dad, his nanna, his auntie etc then there's drop in councelling sessions at school he could go to (I've told him the days and times). I've tried to speak with him when it's just been the two of us in a calm way. I've even gone on a pretend errand in the car just to talk to him so he wouldn't have to face me to open up but Ive got nowhere.

Today, since starting this post, he received 4 different behaviour sanctions at school followed by a detention, came home and took my chocolates I'd been given as a gift for my birthday. Had he asked I'd have happily given them to him. But no he took them then lied and I found the wrappers under his pillow. It's a continuous thing of challenges, lies, confrontation which to me is all so pointless. I'm so weary with it.

[LifeInAHamsterWheel]

@Bex8814 just wondering how things are with you son now that it's one year on.

[LifeInAHamsterWheel]

sorry hit post too soon. I hope that you were able to help stop him in his tracks and that he's matured and settled down a bit since then.