Daughters friend is controlling - advice please

(7 Posts)
forgotmyoldemail Mon 27-Jan-20 14:30:12

(This will show up as a first post but I forgot my login details as I've not been on for ages)

Daughter is in a friendship group with three other girls. They're all age 15/16
They've always got on really well but became really close over the summer holidays last year and did most things together, as in if they were doing something, the others would all be invited so nobody was left out.
Over the last six/eight weeks, one of the girls has become very controlling of another (not my daughter)
She replies to group texts on this one girls behalf, invites this one girl out to do things as just the two of them, constantly causes drama and tells lies about the other two girls. Basically, it's like she's manipulating this other girl (who has some home problems) and alienating her from my daughter and the other girl in their friendship group.
They have tried to sort this out and said let her speak for herself, asked this girl to stop whispering to this one girl at school when they're together etc and asked why she's trying to cut the girl off when they were all friends and have done nothing wrong.
The controlling girl went home, lied and told her mum that my daughter was bullying her; which resulted in the mum sending me loads of aggressive texts. I tried to point out what had been going on but she wasn't having any of it. Next thing, I have the other girls mum messaging me accusing me of all sorts (obviously had been spoon fed lies by controlling girls mum)
I told her I didn't want to get involved with anything and wouldn't be replying anymore as I didn't like the accusatory tone of the messages.
The girls still hang out together at school but aren't as friendly and when I asked why they didn't just all go their separate ways, both my daughter and the other friend said they're really concerned about the other girl who is being controlled. She's behaving in a really immature manner (she never was) and spends every moment with the other girl, sleepovers all the time (even on school nights) and won't even go to the toilet without this girl; like she's totally dependent on her. Controlling girl (apologies for keep calling her this) lies all the time and we wonder what she's been saying.
I don't want to get involved but I want to help my daughter to do the right thing and I genuinely don't know what that is but she's obviously very concerned about what's happened and the drastic change in the non controlling girls personality.
I'm sorry this is so long but if anyone has any pearls of wisdom, I'd be most grateful.
Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Milicentbystander72 Mon 27-Jan-20 19:56:45

I'm no expert. My eldest is just 15.

I'm finding the teen years psychology exhausting. Every day either my dd or ds seem to need some emotional support or to talk through some friendship/social anxiety or worry.
I'm saying this OP to say that I feel this isn't out of the realms of normal for a friendship group.

My dd currently has a friend who has 'gone off' with one other and they are spending literally all their time together. Dd was stressed out about this at first but has now relaxed - she has other close friends, and she still speaks to the others they're just slightly distant at the moment. Dd has left it all 'open' - no falling out, no arguments. Maybe it will change back, maybe not.

I would say to your dd to do nothing. She can't control the response of the controlled friend and she isn't responsible for the behaviour of the controlling friend. It must be weird to your dd to sit back but who knows why this is happening? Sometimes 2 friends can develop friendship 'crushes' on each other and have a very intense friendship for a while. It seems odd they seem to be excluding the others but that's just how it is.

I'm sure it will shift again and things will change. All your dd can do is carry on being herself, open and friendly, not interfering.

It's tough being a teen. Tough on parents too. Currently I slightly dread my two coming in the door at the moment - I have no idea what silly/crazy mood they'll be in or what emotional drama they'll lay at my feet. I never get involved in the issues. I just listen and talk. Things always work out one way or another.

angell84 Tue 28-Jan-20 00:18:02

It doesn't sound like that big of a deal to me. Isn't your daughter also being controlling by saying that this girl is not allowed to spend so much time with the other girl? Maybe she is jealous because she misses her?

Either way - it sounds like a very, very unimportant drama

Campurp Tue 28-Jan-20 00:32:49

If I were you I’d encourage my daughter to cultivate other relationships. Unfortunately you can’t really do much as it’ll always be ones word against another, so just help her to have a wide range of friends so she’ll never end up here again.

ReallyLilyReally Tue 28-Jan-20 06:40:53

This is a good time for your daughter to learn that some friendships aren't forever, and to let these teo girls go. She needs to make new friends.

forgotmyoldemail Tue 28-Jan-20 23:50:36

@angell84 my daughter and the other girl (who are now the outsiders so to speak) have been friends since primary school, so she isn't remotely jealous of the other two being friends. She's just really caring and sensitive and is worried about the other girl, who she feels is being emotionally manipulated.

OP’s posts: |
ReallyLilyReally Wed 29-Jan-20 07:57:39

Your daughter needs to learn a hard lesson here - you can't save others from themselves. If the other girl is seemingly happy in her situation (ie she hasn't asked for help), and presumably your DD and her friend have spoken to her about it and nothing has changed, then it's time for them to back off.

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