Phone wars

[MurrayTheMonk]

Every bloody night. We agreed with the DD's at Christmas that they would give their phones to us at 9.30 every night and they get them back in the morning. They would otherwise be on them until the early hours and they need some boundaries.

Dd2 (13) is pretty good and will give us hers when asked and given a 5 minute warning before.

Dd1 (14) is vile about it every single evening. I've listened to her tonight chatting to her friends on it for an hour before I went in and asked her for it. She then started saying she needed it to do her homework. I pointed out that it was too late to be doing her homework, it was past 9.30, and besides she had been talking to her friends for the past hour. Which triggered twenty five minutes of her talking utter rubbish about how she was doing her homework at the same time as chatting to them, she'll get an afterschool detention, it will be my fault etc etc, and culminated in her calling me pathetic. She is usually relatively nice for a 14 year old-but this one issue makes her incredibly spiteful.
I have told her she has now lost her phone outside of school hours until Saturday morning. Which will also end up being a battle.
I've now gone to bed tired and upset. And just so bored of this night after night.

It's not realistic to take her phone from her during school hours as annoyingly they use them for quizzes etc in school and all
Their homework is accessed via an app (which doesn't help).

At this point I wish I could throw the bloody thing in the canal and have done with it.

Does anyone else have this issue and is there any kind of solution? So fed up with it.

[Aramox]

Yes. Aargh. Apparently no one else has these weird rules, etc. Mine’s has downtime set up automatically, it’s an iphone, can you do that? It limits the arguing a bit.

[MurrayTheMonk]

Exh controls their accounts as he pays their mobile bills. They used to have something like that but I think she talked him out of it.

He is not that consistent on taking their phones at the allotted time I don't think which probably isn't helping.

[Deariedrearyme]

My 14 year old has phone in room overnight but doesn't go on it. My 13 yo would sit on it all night given half a chance so it's left on charge on landing. They are the rules and it's tough if they don't like it. My most spoke sentence is "I don't care what so and so are allowed to do"..........just like my mother when I was a teenager haha

[ioioitsoff]

I've given up the battle, it was causing too much aggro. They seem to sleep enough and are doing fine at school so I've let it go. I'm not that happy about it (says she the hypocrite who is on the phone in bed)

[ioioitsoff]

@Deariedrearyme mine is 'I'm not their mother, I'm your mother' but mine refuse point blank to leave their phones on the landing. I can switch off the WiFi but no idea about the mobile data,

[ChangingStates]

I feel your pain and my dd is only 12.5. The arguments are tiresome. We do have downtime set up soho house helps but then there's arguments about that. Sigh

[Deariedrearyme]

@ioioitsoff another fave is "when you live in my house, you follow my rules"
My d's always asks if I'm going to leave mine on the landing when I go to bed!
Of course not.....how would I Facebook, Insta, mumsnet

[MurrayTheMonk]

Dd1 would be up til 3 if I left her with it. And then she's unbearable the next day, and the. 'surprisingly' has no energy for anything. She refuses to recognise the connection between the two .
So I don't feel I can just leave it. Plus the more she is on her phone the more 'spiteface' (which I what I call her to myself-not to her obvs) appears.
We have a largely good relationship currently outside this one area for which I am grateful-but this is a big and relentless flashpoint

[Deariedrearyme]

Is she allowed it at the weekends and school hols? That's the compromise is our house. No phone in room on a school night, weekends are fine.

[whatdoyouthinkyouknow]

Get a decent WiFi control system that allows the parent to isolate and control WiFi access to individual IP addresses.

It's time consuming to set up as you have to label each found device on the system. But it really works.

We have three teenagers and one adult child.
All have different rules on devices. No arguing, they know when then system times them out. They'll try and get around it but will burn through data so they don't. Adult child is no longer a child and these rules don't apply.

It's been a game changer. No more arguments. At all.

We use Google WiFi.

[icecreamsundae32]

Same here. 11yo has an iPhone and down time kicks in at 7.30 weeknights, 8.30 weekends and then comes back on 7.30am. Also certain apps I've limited. It causes dramas on a daily basis about how unfair I am, the worst parent in the world no one else's parents do this.... it's true I've seen messages come through from his friends in the early hours of the morning! I say I don't care what so and so's parents do... in this family we do this and while you live in our house you follow our rules.

It's so frustrating that every day is the same battle despite these rules being in place since he got the phone in September, it's almost like he thinks if he moans and fusses every day I'll give in...

[MurrayTheMonk]

I allow her to have it on Saturday nights unlimited (she has to be up very early for her sport on Saturday mornings so Fridays are out) and during the holidays.

Will look into google WiFi or similar-thanks-maybe that's the answer.

It's so frustrating

[Aramox]

Wifi limits only work if your child does not have a voxi account with unlimited social media data :(. Plus, mine is just relentlessly foul if we actually enforce a 9pm turnoff. I’m so weary of being moaned and yelled at.

[PekTafaa]

I use iPhone Downtime on my 12 yo's phone or else it's a nightmare to get it handed in. I also have 12 yo and 16 yo phones in my room overnight. WiFi is switched off for social media from 10 for 16yo too 😬

[SE13Mummy]

DD1 (15) brings her phone and laptop downstairs by 9pm. If there's still homework to be completed and she needs to be online for it (school also sets homework viaan app), she can use the ancient iPad that was purchased very recently from a local group for £25 and has been set up to only enable access to the websites and apps essential for homework.

We have the children's devices on a separate router so can switch it off at the plug if need be but continue to access wifi ourselves.

Although DD1 isn't overjoyed by the early wifi curfew, she admits it makes it easier to concentrate on other things because she knows she won't receive notifications etc on her phone (small data allowance) after 9pm. She's recently set up a 'do not disturb' period on her phone which is 9pm to 6am I think and seems to have told friends it's so she can concentrate on revision.

[belay]

Is it possible to disable mobile data? We turn off the wifi at bedtime but our son just switched to mobile data

[PekLafet]

I don't think so belay. Tbh I have deliberately not provided my teens with much data for this reason - stops them from being too wasteful with it when the WiFi is off...
If your teen has an iPhone, you can set up 'Screentime' to manage their usage.

[iusedtohavechickens]

I also have a rule that at 9pm all phones go on charge in the study. I have three teenage daughters, two of which hate the rule but do it as they don't want the 'punishment' phone.
We brought a cheap £10 phone from Tesco that can only do calls and texts. It sits on the charging dock where they put their phones on charge as a reminder of what they could end up using! It works, it's been sat for over a year with no use! My eldest dd (17) even puts her phone on charge earlier sometimes!

[amberleah78]

just dont take them away, simple. they can learn the hard way by being tired all the time