troubled teenage son

[tich31]

My son has always had difficulties - I think on the spectrum but could never get a diagnosis due to lack of facilities in area.

Troubled childhood with illness and ended up with ME around 8....we were seeing top consultant in area so believe me he had it but father and his family 'don't believe in any mental health issues or problems'....even including MS etc.

I had a real troubled time and had a nervous breakdown in end once he was better.

He ended up moving out of home and living with his dad initially and then with his grandparent.

Since older though he has visited more and we've had quite a nice 2 years together of him staying and friends staying over night.

Friendship group has changed since end of school but on whole has been Ok until the last 4 weeks when wheels have come off.

I have coped with it over xmas tho became very ill....just staying out and going wandering and being very horrid.

But this last weekend he went completely off it and was very verbally abusive towards me and very hurtful. I got angry yesterday and replied to all his accusations he threw at me.
He blames me for not getting into job he wants cos ME will exclude him. And his dads family side don't believe in it so it's just there but they never really looked after him. I was told I didn't deserve to be part of his life and wouldn't be invited to his passing out ceremony if he got in. I know he won't though....third time trying. That hurt.

I just feel so hurt cos it was so very personal,....bearing in mind he was very young when I left his dad. I am so upset and angry at the same time.

He has had everything from me - total support. And yet not even a sorry at all. I get drink was involved bit the truth certainly came out from him and he was vicious,

The other family have turned him so much against him having ME there is nothing I can but it absolutely destroyed me having to fight for him at the time. Why would I make it up?

Oh...I am just so tired. I have a teenage daughter doing her GCSEs this year and is so much more balanced.

I don't want to turn my back on him cos I love him but this can;t be forgotten cos it hurts so much.
He's never apologised at all....
I sent text replying to all his accusations from over the years but have told him he needs to just accept things for how they are. We are all dealt with crap things. But he will never forgive me for him having ME.
So sad.

[XXcstatic]

How old is he, OP? And does he still have ME? I'm confused about why a diagnosis when he was 8 would have any effect on his adult life, if he has recovered.

[GreenTulips]

I’m assuming he wants to go in the army or similar, so yes it would have an effect on him getting a placement.

[ReallyLilyReally]

ME can't be cured, and requires ongoing treatment to alleviate symptoms - it's also really hard to diagnose, I'm surprised you got that verdict for an 8yr old - is he still undergoing treatment? If not, I'm afraid it might have been a misdiagnosis, is there a possibility you could take him to a doctor, have the issue re-examined and get a formal letter saying the original diagnosis was incorrect? That way he may have a chance at the military, although i have to admit i don't know much about how the acceptance policy there works.

[tich31]

ME is fairly common in childhood but is recognised as different to adult ME...it's not a mis diagnosis issue.
Sorry....my post was more about how much he has hurt me through his anger & resentment towards me when in reality it is just a fact of life he had it. I didn't cause it or make it up. A major health trauma brought it on. And yes has been fully recovered for a number of years.
Anyway, I realise I can't change his view so I will just have to deal with his resentment.

[XXcstatic]

ME can't be cured

That's nonsense: most children diagnosed with ME make a full recovery.

[ReallyLilyReally]

If that's the case then why would a diagnosis exclude him from his chosen career?

[XXcstatic]

That's exactly my question. No reason at all why it should affect his career.

[tich31]

My thoughts exactly but seems to be the case so I'm in firing line & getting blamed.

[ReallyLilyReally]

I think maybe what you need to do is sit down with him and sympathise. Don't make it about the ME, or his dad, or their family, don't make it about you or how hurt you are. Tell him how sorry you are that his plans aren't going to work out, tell him that you understand how upset and angry he must be. Listen. Commiserate. Sympathise. Keep all your anger and hurt out of it and give him a safe space. Turn the story round, put the focus on him and his feelings rather than yours.

This is a huge deal for him - his entire plan for his future has gone out the window and he's heartbroken. He's lashing out, and he needs his mum to help him. Unfortunately, sometimes as parents we get the short end of the stick.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

I do know this is much easier said than done, but try not take what he says personally. He has had a big setback, he is angry with life and he is taking it out on you because in his heart he still wishes you could be "all powerful Mum" who can make everything better for him. He is pushing away his own upset by blaming you. Some people blame themselves, get depressed, or self-harm instead.

I agree with ReallyLilyReally - try to sit with him and sympathise with him. Your own anger and hurt are natural, you don't deserve any of the things he said, but it's because you have been such a good Mum that he feels safe to show his anger to you. Let him focus on his own feelings. I hope that helps him get past this, and you are both in a better place soon

[tich31]

Thank you both. I have literally just text him to try and reach out to him.
It just hurts cos it's so untrue what he's been led to believe & what he's said about me.
But I can't self pity....I know he needs to know I'm there as ever.

[ReallyLilyReally]

How old is he?

[tich31]

19.
I always knew he didn't like me much but just thought we'd reached an Ok place. Obviously I was wrong about that!
And what hurts is all the difficulties I went through when he had ME to get him help etc. I ended up having a break down at the end of it all. And then to be told I made it all up.
But also to not apologise about how he behaved in my home towards me is hurtful.

[ReallyLilyReally]

I know it's hard, but i think you're taking this way too personally. His entire future just disappeared and he's lashing out. It's not about you, even if he's saying it is. When my mother forced me to see a therapist and i told her that i hated her, it wasn't about her, it was about me not wanting help for my severe depression. A year later, out the other side of the misery, i apologised. It doesn't make it OK that i did it, but we both knew what the real problem was, and it certainly wasn't my ma.

I'd suggest seeing a therapist, as i think you're carrying a lot of emotion from his childhood with you - not to be harsh, but getting him treatment for medical issues isn't above and beyond really, that's a very standard requirement of parenting and not something he owes you for, just like he doesn't owe you for school shoes or weetabix when he was 9.

You need to step back from this and see it for what it is, and if you need help from a counsellor to do that then don't be ashamed to ask for it.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

It just hurts cos it's so untrue what he's been led to believe & what he's said about me.

It hurts but it's mostly just him letting off steam.

Also, he may have a head of resentment built up to do with living away from you, and away from his father, which comes up now and again. Again this isn't your fault but he's bound to have feelings about that which might be uncomfortable for you. Again, don't take it personally. You did your best but it's OK for him not to feel that way about it until he is a lot more mature. It's OK for you to acknowledge that must have been painful and upsetting for him and to accept that he may naturally still feel angry and resentful about it. You may not be able to do much about it, but you still can't expect him not to feel resentful, and it wouldn't be fair for you to be upset with him if he still feels that way.

You say you were ill at Christmas and imply that's because of his behaviour? You really must not let yourself get ill over his behaviour. It's bad for you, and also it's bad for him as well. You need a bit of emotional distance and a bit of self-protection. As ReallLilyReally says, talking to a counsellor or therapist yourself could help you step back so that you can stay well.