My son is causing me huge anxiety

[Stressedout81]

I have been browsing Mumsnet for a while for similar issues but have not been brave enough to post. I have a 16 year old son who is becoming increasingly disruptive at home. He has previously been better behaved for my partner (not his biological dad; his dad died when he was 1) but in recent weeks he has also been rude and disrespectful to him.

My son has no real interests except his Playstation. He plays in excess of 50 hours per week and more in the holidays (generally 12 hours a day). He rarely leaves his room except to go to school or to eat. He refuses to come out with us unless it's for food and generally he would want to go home straight after and will hurry us up. We cannot afford to eat out each week either.

We live in a rented house and have had complaints from neighbours about the noise my son makes whilst playing on his ps4. He generally plays Fifa and when he loses he screams, shouts, uses racist language, punches holes in his desk and damages other property. When I have attempted to restrict his ps4 use he screams, shouts and even hits, kicks and spits at me. About a year ago my son slapped me twice- my partner said he would not tolerate that kind of behaviour again and he would call the police if my son did this again. My son told me that if the police were ever called that he would never speak to me again and I would be dead to him. I have therefore not told my partner about the more recent aggression my son has shown towards me. My son shows no real remorse after such incidents and will say I provoked him and that he can't help it because he has anger issues.

I am a bit stuck as I can't enforce boundaries around the ps4 as I'll face eviction if he decides to make excessive noise. My son will regularly tell me he hopes I will die if I do something he doesn't like. He can then go to being really sweet when he wants money for his ps4. I have sometimes given him money on the condition that he behaves well but it never works. He does have set times he needs to come off the ps4 but he rarely sticks to them.

He also does nothing around the house. He can't even be bothered to put his clothes in the washing basket in his room. I cook, clean his room, make his packed lunches etc. He does zero. As we are in rented accommodation the house needs to be kept to a certain standard of cleanliness and I am worried he will smash the place up and get us evicted.

My son generally is on the defence whenever I try to talk to him. For example, I have just knocked on his door to see if he'd like anything to eat and was met with a sigh and a rude 'what do you want?'. He seems to have friends so I don't think he is being bullied. He isn't doing particularly well at school but he refuses to revise or do any homework.

I have managed to get him to agree to anger management sessions but I am not sure how much use these will be as he doesn't think it's a real big issue and/or it is my fault. I am having to pay privately for them which I don't mind if they will be effective. However he has had one session three days ago and has not yet looked at any of the paperwork the lady gave him with strategies etc.

It has got to the point I dread coming home from work. I dread the weekends. I know there will be screaming and shouting and general defiance. I am jumpy and anxious and people have noticed this. I am starting to have panic attacks and my sleep has been badly affected. This is driving a wedge between myself and my partner and to be perfectly honest I can't wait until he is 18 and I'll have to ask him to leave. I will make any sacrifice for my son but I draw the line at allowing him to destroy the one positive relationship I have- that is with my partner.

Has anyone been through anything similar and what did you do?

Thank you and sorry for such a long post.

[IfNot]

It sounds really hard. Your son is an addict. Just because it's playstation he is addicted to doesn't make it any different to drugs or gambling. Excessive gaming affects the brain and the behaviour MASSIVELY. He needs help urgently. Go to you GP and explain. Really emphatically. Try to access addiction help. You probably cant do this alone, you will need support.

[FeckaDecka]

Call support lines, look them up online. If your using mumsnet you can use the Internet to find proper support. It sounds horrific and wish you all the best xxx

[Stressedout81]

Thank you for your reply. I agree, I do think he's addicted to gaming and I totally agree it exists. He has said he'll disown me if I go to the GP or speak to school so I was surprised he agreed to go to anger management, although he doesn't really see why. Not sure whether to stick with the anger management first and see how that goes? However, it does seem that it could well be the video games addiction which is underlying the aggression.

Thank you for your help and I will consider contacting the GP

[Winterdaysarehere]

I have rang the police on several occasions over the years about my ds.
No regrets.
I asked him to move out after aggressive behaviour towards his then gf. Would have done the same if he had hit me or been abusive.
You are enabling him op.
He needs help for his obvious addiction.
Listen to your dh.
You do your ds no favours.

[Wildorchidz]

The World Heath Organization updated its guidelines to include "gaming disorder" as a mental health condition in 2018.

It defines it as a pattern of problematic or compulsive behaviour where the user prioritises gaming over all other activities, despite the negative consequences it might have on their health and life.

Your child needs urgent serious intervention.

[Stressedout81]

Winterdaysarehere. As much as I don't want to admit it you are totally right. He has just started anger management support but if his anger is driven by the video games addiction then perhaps this is not the right place to start. As difficult as it is to admit and it was difficult to read your reply- you are right I am not doing him any favours and it is my responsibility to get him the right help. Thank you

[Winterdaysarehere]

My ds also had anger management.
He ended his 2 way abusive relationship.
He got a job.
Stopped drinking.
Became a decent human being at last.
We have a great relationship now.
He is 27. Been tough.
It can and will change op.
I never turned my back. Left him to it at times but still always on the end of a phone. Never nagged but left short supportive texts.

[Stressedout81]

@winterdaysarehere thank you for another useful reply. Do you mind me asking if you feel the anger management helped your son? I'm not sure how effective this generally is.

I'm unsure whether to pursue the anger management first as he's already started or whether to consult his GP re gaming addiction. Whilst the therapist can't disclose confidential information I think I will call her as she may have a view on which issue needs to be tackled first. I am also considering some family therapy and hope this might be useful.

I am so pleased to hear that your son has come out of it the other side and your relationship has improved. It sounds like it must have been so difficult. You sound like great mum. Thanks again for your support

[Winterdaysarehere]

Ds had one to one therapy. He didn't feel the group one was for him. It did make a difference. Gave him strategies to cope on stressful situations. He has a job he likes, manual - keeps him busy- with not too much responsibility.
I wish you both well op. You sound supportive and as frustrated as I was.
It will get better.

[belay]

Addiction. Remove the wi fi. It has to stop . He can't do control his addiction, you need to do this for him. Tell him you will ring the police if he kicks off and make sure you do if needed

[Embracelife]

You know what the problem is. His gaming addiction.
You are finding excuses to not act. but you need to act.
You cannot be evicted overnight.
You cannot be held to ransome by him.
Call police if he attacks you.
He needs to know you will act and react.
Ask gp for addiction referral and support.

[Stressedout81]

Thank you for your helpful replies. I have contacted my son's GP and have a phone consultation booked for 6th January which feels a lifetime away- they said they need to speak to him but he doesn't see a problem, so not sure what they'll be able to offer.

Last night he was unbearable. He slept until 4pm- I attempted several times to wake him but by 3.30pm needed to go shopping and later was meeting a friend (who I'd not seen for 2 years and who had travelled 300 miles so did not want to cancel) so he was at home most of the evening alone. I did manage to get hold of him on his phone around 5pm and asked if he would like to join us for a meal which he declined. While I was out I bought him a new hoodie which he just mumbled thanks at. I'd also ordered him a pizza as he complained there was no food (there was lots of food but it would have required preparation). He then defied my request to come off the ps4 by 11.30pm (came off at 12.15pm after prompts and then attempted to get my partner to let him play on his xbox with him). He then got into an argument with my partner- my partner says he came down from his room talking to him bluntly with an 'attitude'. My son says my partner was rude to him for no reason. My partner was really upset. My son says I side with my partner. My son is unaware that he speaks to people rudely when he's been on his ps4. My son did not sleep last night and I know this because he sent me several rude text messages calling me and my partner fat. This is the third night I've had no sleep as he's either been sending unkind texts or up roaming around the house making noise. When I speak to him about this he just tells me he has a right to use the bathroom- which he does of course but he's so noisy. He went back on his ps4 at 7am this morning. He says at 16 he should be able to make his own decisions. However when it comes to an addiction I don't agree. He also shows no interest in taking any responsibility for himself.

I've tried agreeing times I can come and speak to him each day (just to ask how his day was, if there's anything he needs etc) but this frustrates him as it either takes him away from his ps4 or he's irritable because he's been playing it. Instead he will ask at short notice for lifts, cash etc. I get up at 6am for work so cannot stay up til midnight waiting for him to be ready to speak to me.

I had enough last night and this morning I got in touch with my son's grandparents today and asked if he could stay there for a couple of days. I have not yet told my son as he is likely to go off on one as he won't want to leave his ps4 but I think a few days break from myself and my partner and also his ps4 would be helpful. I'm expecting a barrage of unkind texts while he's away-assuming I manage to get him there.

I hope it is the right thing to do or perhaps I'm just moving the problem around, but I'm exhausted after nights of no sleep and broken sleep that I don't know what else to do. The glimmers of the boy who used to be so sweet are there less and less. I'm so sad, anxious and stressed.

Could I just ask- is it unreasonable to impose set times on the ps4 upon a 16 year old? I feel my son is attempting to play me and my partner off against each other- does anyone have any experience of this? At 16 is it not reasonable to expect that if he does not want to eat with us that he prepares some simple food such as pasta or am I being unreasonable? I've had to prepare separate meals for him at 4.45pm in the past as he says he can't wait til 6 but won't cook himself anything.

Thank you and my apologies for such a long post

[Lordfrontpaw]

There are some specialist clinics and practitioners who work with young games addicts - a relative works with ‘troubled kids/teens’ - and it’s not a rarity sadly. A man came to DS school who had been in that situation and it got really terrible for him in his early 20s until he got help.

I’ve noticed when DS plays on the games he is stroppy and grumpy, but when he is away from them for a length of time, his usual self. I don’t know what they do the the brain!

I think you need professional help here - he won’t listen to you or his dad at that age and he needs help.

What about his exams (A levels?). Has he any plans for after school?

Write down the times, what he does and say etc. Keep it factual and brief - you may want to share this with him later. Try to keep calm (I know it must be very difficult) and almost detached, as getting emotional won’t help you at all in this situation.

You need to get him off the games completely - you don’t just say to an alcoholic ‘only three pints a day’. This will need professional help though - although I’d be sorely tempted to take a screwdriver to the insides when he wasn’t around...

He won’t feel that he is being unreasonable or upsetting but looking back he will understand.

Please get professional help - he is at that age where he can really turn it around.

[Lordfrontpaw]

www.england.nhs.uk/2019/10/children-treated-for-computer-gaming-addiction-under-nhs-long-term-plan/

[Embracelife]

If he is,16 he can prepare his own food.
Dont pander to his gaming any more.
If he then screams ...walk away
If he smashes things dont react
but call police if he attacks you.
Dont react at all to his rants or messages.
It s the addiction talking.
Ask gp for specialist help.

[belay]

Your house
Your rules
You pay for the wi fi

Just disconnect it

[AGirlHasNoCake]

Take away his PS4. Just lock it away, maybe in the boot of your car or even with a friend. Let him rant. Call the police if he is violent, including if he starts to trash the house, punch the walls etc He needs to see you stand up to him. you need to start standing up to him, because you are doing anything for an easy life - which is making your life harder.
Right now you are enabling him. It will do him no favours in the long run.

[4Bops]

I think a couple of days is the least you need for your stress levels to come down, maybe grandparents can do other things with him, cinema trip, board games, movie night.
I feel your dread of having to address this, I hope the docs can give some good advice. Maybe use his return from grandparents as a line on the sand, put down the ground rules or new year new rules.
My DS (14 nearly 15) and basically hates me at the moment ( loves his Xbox) so can quite imagine how easily this can happen/escalate - I totally sympathise.

[Ingles2]

this was my son a couple of years ago... we were getting to the point of not knowing what no earth to do and then everything changed...
He got his A level results and he failed them... well he didn't, but he didn't get the grades he needed for the uni he wanted and he hadn't got himself together to organise anything else...
So he decided to resit, we had a bad couple of months, (cos of course, it was our fault) and then he got a part time job which turned out to be the best thing ever for him. The people he worked with were lovely and he grew up sooo much. He did some revision and went off to uni in Sept...and now He's an entirely different person.
So, yes, the gaming needs to stop, but I fear you are hitting a brick wall until he decides to sort himself out. There will come a point when he starts to grow up and realise there is life outside gaming, and you need to be there waiting to push him in the right direction.
In the meantime... you have so much virtual support and sympathy from me, because they are bloody awful, rude and obnoxious. We too had holes in the wall from punches after losing games.. You have to stay strong but calm, ignore the horrible texts and nasty messages and be a united front with your partner. Good luck, really hope its over soon

[Singlenotsingle]

You need to stop running around after him, too. All this knocking on his door and asking if he'd like food; calling him out for meals, doing his washing, giving him money etc. He's 16, almost an adult, old enough to get married. I'd agree, take the PS4 away. He's addicted and it'll only get worse.

[lisag1969]

You need to have firmer boundaries. Restrict gaming to few hours a day. Turn off the internet. Go to the drs for advice on anger and don't let him blackmail you. Be firm with rules and stick to them. X

[Stressedout81]

@Lordfrontpaw he is currently in yr 11 at school. He says he wants to do A Levels but his grades are pretty poor. He doesn't know what he wants to do career wise, but he tells me he wants a year off after A Levels and then maybe go to uni. I initially he thought he meant to go travelling but it turns out no he meant a year of 'doing whatever I want'. I can't afford to support that and even if I could it wouldn't be good for him and he'd descend further into this gaming addiction.

He is due to come home today. I spoke to a professional yesterday who really helped me come up with a plan. She said although he is addicted to the ps4 its unrealistic to cut it off completely so she suggested some timings. I will be sharing this later but I'm worried sick. I know that might sound pathetic but he's vile to me. My son also attempts to involve other people in this and manipulate the info to make it sound as though he's being treated unfairly so I have sent my family a copy of the rules.

I think he's going to go off on one at me. If he does I do hope it's in front of his grandparents as I'm not sure they totally believe me.

I completely agree he needs firmer boundaries. It's his initial response to this which worries me greatly. I realise I have to stand firm.

[Karlski]

Your son sounds like a manipulative little .

However I can totally feel where he's coming from because i've been in a similar position myself.

Clearly he has anger issues, it's probably worth getting him on some kind of medication to reduce his own anxiety and to control the outbursts. Sadly, online PVP (player vs player) games will always induce some level of aggression because that's the nature of the competitive environment in the gaming world.

I used to play PVP games and it just wasn't good for my mental health but it took me a good amount of time to realise. Now I play more design and construction games which give me a more real sense of pride and accomplishment, something you will struggle to achieve in PVP, but I had to leave a community behind in order to move on. That's probably your biggest challenge because his friend circle exists on the PS4. If you wan't him to stop/cut down, then he needs to have an equally fulfilling replacement to his current outlet.

Just out of interest, are you showing him examples of how to be? I.e did you and his step dad go to university? Do you both hold down regular jobs? Can you show him the fruits of your labour? Or are you just telling him 'Don't do that, do this', because if it's the latter he won't have much motivation to change. You really have to show someone something if you want them to really acknowledge what message you're trying to portray

Personally I would ever so slowly attempt to fill his life with other things in hope to peel him away from the toxic online community he is currently stuck in. Does your partner have any interests which the boy might enjoy?

Another option is to actively show an interest in his gaming. He might feel more open to suggestions of other things if he knows you're not just hating on his choice to play video games.

On the flip side, my parents gave me so much over the years for gaming too much, that even when I play a game I enjoy in my 30s, at the back of my mind I'm always thinking about how my parents think it's a waste of time, and I shouldn't be happy or enjoying myself.

Don't kill his enjoyment of things try to work together to change things bit by bit, don't stop supporting him just because he's a little

[Stressedout81]

@Karlski Thanks for your reply. Yes he is highly manipulative! Good to hear that things can change. He is starting anger management sessions in January. I have a phone consultation with a mental health nurse on Monday so will ask about medication.

Sadly he cannot see that the games affect him. I have spoken to him today regarding cutting down the time he can spend on the PS4 however he just thinks it's because I don't want him to have fun. He's been on it an hour and already getting irritable.

My partner and I do both work full time in professional careers. I went to university and also have a doctorate, so he is from a family where education and vocation are important.

My partner used to sometimes play the PS4 with him but this had to stop as he was becoming angry very quickly and shouting and swearing including racist comments (although he says he's not racist).

He genuinely doesn't seem to enjoy playing it- it seems more like a compulsion. He admitted earlier he felt he was becoming addicted but then in the next breath he wants to go on it. He has shrunk his world so much that all he has is the Playstation. The only other thing he is interested in is football but he supports Manchester United so when they lose (frequently at present!) he becomes angry and punches walls and doors.

We find it quite difficult to get him to come out anywhere with us. He may occasionally come out if it involves food but he's so used to rushing his food to get back on the PS4 that he finishes ages before us and then starts to try to rush us to finish and get back home. We can't afford to eat out each week either. I'm hopeful he might start to fill the time he can't be on the ps4 with other things and maybe eventually start developing other interests.

I think if we could cut down his ps4 use and help him re establish a good sleep pattern that would be a good first step.

Can I ask what helped you realise that video games were having a detrimental effect upon you?

[LesleyDy]

Sorry you are going through this. We are in similar situation but luckily my son doesn’t get aggressive, he does however spend every spare minute of his time gaming or on his phone watching gaming and rarely goes out. He seems to be suffering from social anxiety. He used to play sport and have other interests but they have all gone by the wayside. It started at the end of year 10 just when the pressure of GCSEs started to hit. I’d be interested to know how you got on at your appointment as I think we are on the verge of doing the same.