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Is this just normal

(18 Posts)
Thinkcalmthoughts Fri 20-Dec-19 09:28:55

I had my DD young I'm now 36 and shes 16 next month.
Her real dad basically didn't care and wanted nothing to do with us so I brung her up on my own with help from my mum dad and brother and freinds.
So growing up her father figures were he grandad and uncle. 4 years ago we lost my dad and after a hard time things started to change and I'm a strong believer my dad was looking down on us and made these changes happen.
My mum and me took DD away to disney in Paris then the week we are due to leave I get told I've been offered a flat eventually so after coming back from our hols it was all go with getting things organized to move then after the move a few.months later i met a guy and still with the same guy and we are now getting married next year
My partner adores my DD and see her as his own.
She is a good girl but I'm not sure if it's a teenage thing but it's like she never listens and doesnt like get told off or moaned at
Not sure if its cause for years it was me.doing the telling off and now the roles have changed and that she might forget that she now has a father figure
The mini arguments are usually her not wearing a proper school uniform (she does in a way just doesnt like trousers prefers leggings ) which annoys my partner at times so she wont listen then it escalates

How do you get teens to actually listen and accept a telling off and that we are here to help etc and is this normal for a teen I sometimes feel like I'm in the middle and it's most likely her hormones etc

After all I've got us a home eventually shes now got a new family (partners side) plus we are looking into moving to a actuall house and looking to have a child after the wedding (my DD has always wanted to be a sister)

OP’s posts: |
BillHadersNewWife Fri 20-Dec-19 09:50:40

Oh dear OP this doesn't sound good. Your partner is not her Father...he should not be telling a SIXTEEN year old girl what to wear.

You should be managing that. If he'd come into her life when she was really little it would be different. She's a young woman!

mitsi31 Fri 20-Dec-19 11:16:33

But her original father is out the picture if he really cared that much then where Is he after 15 years no where no phone calls texts presents cards he knows where we are and chooses not to be in our life as my new partner he is brill will my DD as as I say treats her as if she is his hes not always moaning just obviously that's how he brung his own son up hes only saying that school uniform should be trousers and not leggings I can say anything as when I was in high school I didn't wear the proper uniform either so it doenst bother me if shes wearing leggings as long as she has the shirt and tie on etc

They do get on just obviously being a typical teen that doesn't listen lol

JustDanceAddict Fri 20-Dec-19 17:52:06

Good luck telling a 16 year old what to do 😆
If she’s wearing the wrong uniform and school aren’t bothered, then there’s not much your partner can say. If she gets in trouble then she’ll have to wear proper trousers.

PoetaDeLosSandwiches Fri 20-Dec-19 18:27:31

But nobody likes getting told off.

Yes, it's normal teen behaviour. I don't think clothes or school uniform is worth getting into an argument over. It's not important enough.

Save the arguments for when they are really needed, when she is putting herself in danger. Your dp needs to back off.

BackforGood Mon 23-Dec-19 00:55:19

You can't expect any 15 or 16 year old to treat your new partner as a father. It is just never going to be like that. He isn't her father. He isn't her 'father figure'. He is your new partner, and the most you can hope for is that they get along.
He really can't expect her to listen to his thoughts about her clothes.
There is absolutely no way she would listen (even if he had brought her up since she was a baby) if you are completely undermining him by saying you are happy for her to break school uniform rules hmm

As a rule, most 16 yr olds are looking to push boundaries in some way or another. That has nothing to do with the relationship.

BillHadersNewWife Mon 23-Dec-19 01:24:00

It's irrelevant that her real Dad is out of the picture. He's been gone all your DD"s life. You've brought in some random man...she's a YOUNG WOMAN!

He's not her dad and if you're not careful, you'll drive her away.

Fleetheart Sat 28-Dec-19 15:08:27

Teens don’t listen to their own parents, never mind a step parent. If you don’t care about the leggings then just ask him to leave it. Not the biggest problem really. But the main thing is that you need to agree on what the biggest issues are and then tackle them together.

HoneysuckIejasmine Sat 28-Dec-19 15:25:48

Oh dear. Just because he's your new partner, he's not her Dad and certainly isn't automatically a father figure. I'm a bit concerned when you say "now the roles have changed"... Are you letting him be the "man of the house" rather than an equal partner?

I'd also be upset that it sounds like you are starting a whole new family. She may well be feeling anxious about how things will change.

GreenTulips Sat 28-Dec-19 15:30:16

Leave the minor stuff.
So what if she has leggings on let the school deal with that.

She’s pushing very minor boundaries - not like she’s taking drugs and drinking.

AlternativePerspective Sat 28-Dec-19 15:35:21

“She’s got a new family,” no, no she hasn’t. Your partner’s family may consider you and by extension her, to be their family, but they’re not her family.

While I don’t think there’s necessarily wrong with a step parent making their opinion known on occasion I think that the fact that you think your DD should see this man as her father figure with thoughts of her having “a new family” are coming far too much from you with no consideration as to how she feels.

She’s never had a father. She has no idea what it’s like. And while at sixteen she may get on with your partner, expecting her to suddenly view an incoming man as a father figure is incredibly unreasonable. Added to which, if you are planning to have more children now it’s likely that she will feel that you’re starting a whole new family which she isn’t really a part of, given the age gap which could exist between her and any subsequent children.

MrsDoylesTeaBags Sat 28-Dec-19 15:45:45

16 can be a very difficult age and she'll have her own pressures to contend with, so I think a lot of what you describe is fairly normal. Like pp have said, you need to pick your battles and try not to get wound up about relatively unimportant issues. If she's healthy, generally well behaved and open with you then thats half the battle.
My mother raised me alone too and I would not have taken well to a new partner taking over the father role at that age. Respectfully he needs to take a step back, support you in your parenting, but he's your partner not her father.

Knittedfairies Sat 28-Dec-19 16:51:38

I'm assuming she does have the correct school uniform - she just chooses not to wear it. You are not going to win the leggings v trousers argument; let the school deal with that. Your partner's role is to support you, not parent your daughter.

MapMyMum Sat 28-Dec-19 16:58:39

It sounds like your new dp is trying to be her father and you are letting him. If he had been around since she was v small then it might work but not when he has suddenly appeared in her life now.
She might have always wanted to be a sister but that doesnt mean she has to be ok with you bringing in a new man and his kids etc and just expect her to accept all the changes with no question. She is almost an adult, treat her as such. And if dp wont calm the moaning or tellings off then you might have to think again

DrivingMsCrazy Sat 28-Dec-19 17:46:55

You sound absolutely desperate to have some kind of "perfect family" setup and are expecting your DD to just go along with your fantasy and let this chap you've known for less than 4 years (so less than a quarter of her life) suddenly be the Boss and Father and able to tell her what to do while you simper in the background about how wonderful he is to consider her "as his own". She's not his child. He's not in charge. He is your new partner, that's all.
You need to do the discipline, he needs to back off, you need to respect your DD likely does NOT view him with the rosey glasses you do.

Beansandcoffee Sat 28-Dec-19 17:54:00

He isn’t her father;
She is a young woman and doesn’t need a father figure in her life;
Why is your DP telling your DD off - not his role;
His family is not your DDs family - they are your partners family;
You are expecting a new baby - teenagers don’t want to think that their parents have sex;
The age gap will be enormous - your DD will care for her half sister but they will not be close as the gap is too big;
Just slow down.

Branleuse Sat 28-Dec-19 18:32:06

no no no, hes overstepping the mark. He needs to back off. Hes not her dad and you could ruin yur future relationship here. She doesnt need him coming in criticising what she wears. Its not his place. Shes not his daughter, and needs to be more like a gentle uncle figure than a father figure.
Its one thing picking her up on it if shes rude to him etc, but the actual parenting should be done by you.
She sounds completely normal, and pretty good tbh.

BrokenWing Sun 29-Dec-19 15:59:56

It is very telling throughout your whole OP you don't say how you dd feels about this new man in her home and life that she is expected to treat as daddy at 16. Why is he getting annoyed at his partners 16 year old daughter wearing leggings to school? It is nothing to do with him and way overstepping the mark.

Your op is all about how life is so great for you now, new home new partner, upcoming wedding, second family. How does your dd really feel once you take the romantic notions of 'like his own', 'new roles' and 'always wanted a sister' out? She should have the right to say this man is not her dad and should not be given that 'role' without her permission.

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