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When do they become nice again?

(26 Posts)
rookiemere Tue 03-Dec-19 09:12:19

So DS is 13. A not untypical teen grumpy, messy, slovenly and a bit argumentative. Enjoys spending time with pals, playing on his computer and rugby. Can be ok if on own with him - had pleasant walk with ddog and DS on Sunday only slightly marred by DS wanting to make me buy loads of expensive tat from the garden centre I didn't. He's horrible to DH more than me. He is polite and conversational around other friends parents which gives me a bit of hope.

I've read a few books about it and think he's entirely normal. Question is when does he start being ok again? Slightly dejected by the thought of another 5 years of this confused.

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OldGrinch Tue 03-Dec-19 09:15:30

My teen was awful at 12 and 13 now at 16 back to happy and loving character they used to be before. So hopefully not too long. I don't have any sons though so don't know if gender makes a difference

BillHadersNewWife Tue 03-Dec-19 09:16:51

Oh it doesn't last that long! My DD is 15 and has a broad circle of male and female friends. Talking to the parents of said friends and they all say their boys have just begun to improve...I can say it's the same for DD>

DD is now conversational to other adults and polite...whereas from 11 to about 14 she was pretty much like Kevin the Teenager...sullen, rude...a bit weird. 🤣

rookiemere Tue 03-Dec-19 09:21:49

Oh that's a relief. I'm sure I can cope with another 3 years <girds loins>. All such fun particularly as I'm peri menopausal.

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Sistercharlie Tue 03-Dec-19 09:25:48

You have my sympathies op! For me, the teenage years have been really difficult (I only have one child though!). DD started becoming quite stroppy at 13 yrs with a real aversion to the word "no" (not in relation to anything particularly hard core, but in situations like you describe such as the garden centre). And getting her to lift a finger around the house is virtually impossible without a meltdown. I was writing on here yesterday that things are getting a bit better now she is sixteen but she had a massive strop last night (exam stress) and said all sorts of hurtful stuff so I don't know now but let's say the outbursts are less frequent.

I don't pretend to know how it works with boys but good advice I have read on here is to step back, not take it personally as this is a normal process of him separating himself off from you (hard though that is) keep calm at all times (even more difficult) keep the one to one outings going (hwr much you feel like cancelling) and get an outside interest or hobby that will give you some inner peace.

Good luck flowers

BillHadersNewWife Tue 03-Dec-19 09:26:16

Oh I know right! Me too! It's like nature thought "Ha! That'll show them!"

Seeline Tue 03-Dec-19 09:30:14

My DS is 18 now and still has horrible moments at home - I know he is stressed at school, and exhausted with the work, so do try to cut him some slack, but it is hard after 5 years of this. The upside is everyone else always comments on what a lovely lad he is - polite, considerate, engaging, helpful. It would be nice to see it at home, but at least he does know how to behave!

DD is nearly 15 and is still lovely most of the time - I don't know if it will last....

rookiemere Tue 03-Dec-19 09:39:42

I try to step back but at the minute we're all having a bit of a clash because it's parents evening tonight. DS's report was disappointing- average scores for everything and less than average for attitude- and I want him to buck his ideas up a little bit , at least in the subjects that matter.

We've been told by his Maths teacher - and I believe it to be true - that DS could excel at anything he wanted to, but he needs to pick something. So far that something appears to be playing Fortnite sad. We're starting to impose stricter time limits on the gaming, but he's also an only and we live a little bit far out from his friends so it's also his primary way to communicate with them out of school. I just want him to do well enough to have life options but he won't take on board what I say - have been using next door neighbour to try and instil some thoughts into him which goes a bit better.

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WhispersOfWickedness Tue 03-Dec-19 09:40:45

I don't have teenagers yet <psychs self up> but I am sure that teenage horribleness is nature's way of making us not too sad when the little darlings leave home grin

rookiemere Tue 03-Dec-19 09:45:18

It's this time of year though whispers is making me sad, he didn't even want to put the baubles on the tree - even last year he loved doing that. Thank heavens for the ever cheery ddog who loves all the things DS hates - country walks and the Lake District !

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Hepsibar Tue 03-Dec-19 10:20:40

Oh yes, they are beastly for a bit ... but I guess they need a degree of fiestiness to get them thru life and not be trodden over ... that's what I used to tell myself anyway. It's very good he can communicate with friends parents as so many are not able to do this. Always remember feeling q proud when friend of son parents said they love having son round as he talks and engages unlike other friends ... flames of maternal pride!

I found texting when verbal resulted into many volcanic responses was helpful, ignoring any expletives and focussing on the issue.

At about 16 or 17 they seem to be mainly back on an even keel, though the odd moments of reversion take you by surprise.

Post that they start trying to organise you as if you dont know anything but somehow it's rather sweet and I let them take over hanging all the Chrimbo decorations and so forth ... occasional moments of reassurance required ... although learning to drive v scary and checking courses at universities a mammoth task and the pootling around from one end of the country to the other time-consuming and costly!

A very wise person who worked helping troubled teenagers told me it is natural for them to make mistakes because it's the first time they've done things, so just be there.

Sistercharlie Tue 03-Dec-19 10:35:07

There was something posted yesterday that might be helpful from the book 'Untangled' by Lisa Damour that gets recommended a lot on here.

Something about when DC leave the side and plunge towards the (scary) centre of the swimming pool where there is nothing to hang on to , they give a big kick in your direction as they go! They then come back to you and safety again. But when they leave again, they have to administer another kick to propel them forwards.

It's helpful to remember that all teens go through this to some degree or another. It's not a personal comment on your parenting. So listen don't take the harsh words too much to heart flowers

Oh gosh yes Hepsibah we've definitely entered the organising know-all phase! grin. Relieved to know this is also a 'thing'!

Rookiemere dogs should be prescribed free to all mothers of teens inmho. It feels like my furries are the only ones pleased to see me in my house atm!

Sistercharlie Tue 03-Dec-19 10:36:23

So listen but don't take the harsh words too much to heart.

NomDeQwerty Tue 03-Dec-19 10:38:16

24 ime

rookiemere Tue 03-Dec-19 12:21:13

No no nom 10+ years will set me over the edge but at least he'll no longer be living at home for some of it .

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MurrayTheMonk Wed 04-Dec-19 15:10:53

I've got two dds's 13 and 14. I honestly feel pretty miserable when at home at the moment as one or the other is always being unpleasant to me or they are being unpleasant to each other.
It's almost worse when one does something nice or there isn't a drama or meltdown for a few days because it lulls me into a false sense of security and I start to relax a bit and then it all starts again.
If anyone else in life treated me the way they do I would go out of my way to avoid them. I can't do that with them and nor do I want to because I love them of course-and they aren't terrible kids at all-but it can feel a bit relentless at times.

Also not really looking forward to Christmas as mine are being spectacularly grabby and entitled at the moment and it really grinds me.
I've been working with 5 refugee girls today aged 16 and 17. They came here from war torn countries in the back of a truck. They've seen and experienced unimaginable horror and yet they were so lovely and positive about even the small amounts of help I could give them. Compare and contrast to my own dd who this morning, who screamed her head off at me as she was apparently 'too tired' to go to school this morning following a weekend away in which she has had everything she wanted. It makes me feel a bit ashamed of her honestly.

horse4course Wed 04-Dec-19 15:15:54

All such fun particularly as I'm peri menopausal.

There's plenty of talk about having babies later, less about having teenagers while menopausal! I guess when people had kids in their early 20s there was no overlap

Chlosavxox Wed 04-Dec-19 15:32:30

I'm 20 now and I was awful at 13/14 but within a couple of years I'd matured a lot and was completely fine again. It's different for all teenagers, my little brother is currently going through the stroppy stage so hoping he snaps out of it quick too! My little sister on the other hand has been a nightmare since she was born so I dread to think what she'll be like as a teenager! grin

JanetTheOneAndOnly Wed 04-Dec-19 16:06:56

DS are difficult, mine threw his vape at me this morning and called me a wh***, they're annoying but you gotta love them. Boys will be boys.

MadisonAvenue Wed 04-Dec-19 16:21:56

My oldest is 22 and is still stroppy and argumentative.
I put it down to the fact that he lived away from home for much of the time while at university but is now back (and has been for a year) and is missing his independence, although we give him plenty of space. He's also doing his PGCE so, although he won't admit it, I think that must be stressful too.
Having said that though, he was like this before he went to university and I'm probably just making excuses for his bad attitude towards us. And it is just us, everyone else raves about what a lovely young man he is.

His younger brother is a lot easier, he has his moments of course but on the whole he's much more pleasant.

Llareggub Wed 04-Dec-19 16:22:16

Janettheoneandonly, sounds like you have bigger problems than you mentioned in your other thread about your lactating son.

rookiemere Wed 04-Dec-19 16:48:32

Yeah Murray your comments about Christmas seem a bit familiar. we're cutting back on adult presents this year as DH needs a new work contract- we're pretty sure he'll get something in the NY but it seems silly to drain resources on tat in the meantime- and DS is outraged by it even though it will only impact him very little.

We've ordered his outrageously expensive new phone for Christmas and I'm not sure he really deserves it.

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Angrymouse Wed 04-Dec-19 16:49:09

@MurrayTheMonk
What you said about the refugee girls puts everything else into perspective.
I know we are talking about teenager woes on this thread but even I as an adult could learn some gratitude by listening to what you said about them.
We take so much for granted :-(

MurrayTheMonk Wed 04-Dec-19 17:46:09

We do... it was very humbling actually. But really I don't mind spoiling mine if they would at least acknowledge how lucky they are and have a day off from being unpleasant once in a while...it's the 'I want this for Christmas' with no semblance of even trying to lean in at home or even be polite at times that pisses me right off.
I don't know-might be just because of those girls this morning but I'm still annoyed with dd1 over her behaviour before school. Thankfully she is at her Dads tonight or else I think there would have been an almighty row confused-usually I can just let it go but I'm still cross today. At 14 I knew when I'd crossed a line (which I frequently did to be fair-I was awful-but I would at least apologise. Nothing from her today at all).

Angrymouse Wed 04-Dec-19 21:21:53

We are only human after all @MurrayTheMonk
Don't feel guilty about not feeling the "right" way towards your DD today.
Maybe today is your day for your feelings :-)
Sometimes even when they have had a great day or weekend away they are exhausted and it often brings out their best behaviour!!!
I had an occasion when my DD said after a fun but busy day "I wish we had just stayed at home and chilled"
This made me realise they love the fun days but it does exhaust them and they are unable to deal with the fun hangover.

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