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17 year old been in relationship 3 weeks now they want to get a flat

(50 Posts)
MummyFourty Mon 02-Dec-19 08:11:41

My 17 year old son was in a relationship with his first love for two years but she ended it, he tried moving on for a month then went on tinder and meets an 18 year old in less than a day and is now in a relationship with her,
I made the mistake of letting her stay a night and then she was here all the time,

I've told them both she can stay 2 night, so 3 whole days as any longer it can affect my benefits as she is classed as a non dependent as she works, her parents won't let him stay over, he's only been to hers once, my son and her always make excuses for her to be here, when she's not here they're on the phone to each other constantly

Now I've put my foot down and said I'm not backing down so no longer 3 days, but they're now looking at rooms and flats to rent, they both work at a fast food place on low wage, he's been in work a couple of weeks, and been with her about 3 weeks , she has gave up a job in her home town a few miles away and got a job at the same place as him, she starts tomorrow

It's moving so fast and as he's talking about moving out in January and getting a place with her, so I need advice, if I say no I'll push him away but if I say yes then he'll move out and might realise what he's done and move back when the honeymoon period is been and gone,

Thing is he's also at college and has a good job to go to start as soon as he turns 18 as long as he stays in college, I take him to college but if he leaves I've told him he can get the bus but I'm not sure he will,
All my benefits for him will stop if he leaves and then I'll need to restart them if it doesn't work out between them and he moves back home

He says I'm selfish as my benefits are free money so it shouldn't matter if I loose them because she is here all the time, I'm on benefits due to anxiety, depression and social phobia, I'm on antidepressants for it and for sleep and this is affecting my mental health

What can I say to him so he understands I'm not being selfish and 3 whole days is fair, and keeping your own place, bills, rent etc isn't as easy as he thinks?

OP’s posts: |
changeforprivacy Mon 02-Dec-19 08:18:40

Tbh your concern throughout is benefits and you have been changing the goalposts constantly.

He is a teenager kicking off because he doesn't know what is what. It's important to have rules in place for teens but solid ones not ones that you chop and change.

Realistically can he afford to move out?

CherryPavlova Mon 02-Dec-19 08:20:37

Is this serious? I’m afraid I wouldn’t have let her stay over so soon. Trouble is now that you’ve been so permissive, it’s hard to rein it back in.

My guess is he won’t have the money to set himself up in a flat. I wouldn’t be supporting it in any way. If he’s seventeen most agents wouldn’t allow him to sign the tenancy anyway, so might be a non issue unless she’s over eighteen and able to pay for the entire flat. No don’t make moving out easy, he’s too young and needs to focus on college at the moment.

You do need to think ahead to when he does eventually move out about your own finances. Your income will reduce without a child at home. Can you start looking for jobs yourself? Doing a course or something to prepare for work? I think planning for your future is as important as getting him well qualified and prepared for adulthood.

FamilyOfAliens Mon 02-Dec-19 08:24:21

but if I say yes then he'll move out and might realise what he's done and move back when the honeymoon period is been and gone

But surely that’s a good outcome? He’ll learn a valuable life lesson but still have the safety net of coming home.

Unless you’re more worried about your benefits than about him?

CurlsandCurves Mon 02-Dec-19 08:25:13

He may be talking about moving out in January but how realistic is that? Do they have enough between them for a deposit, items such as a bed, kitchen stuff, etc?

Once they actually start looking and thinking about how getting a place works in the real world it might slow them down a bit.

RhymingRabbit3 Mon 02-Dec-19 08:25:41

Seems unlikely that they will be able to afford a flat on two part time minimum wages. They will need a guarantor - do not agree to be this if they ask. Maybe when they start looking into it they will see some sense and realise that 3 days a week is not unreasonable.
If they do manage to move out I'm sure it will be a life lesson whether it works out or not and you can support him by being supportive if it all goes wrong.

Apolloanddaphne Mon 02-Dec-19 08:26:05

You need to stay firm on this. She can stay 2 nights a week and no more. If he wants to look at flats etc let him go ahead. Let them do the research and see what they can afford. It will be a good life lesson for him. While he remains with you keep taking him to college and keep the lines of communication open with him. If he chooses to leave there is little you can do except just be there for him if it doesn't work out.

FamilyOfAliens Mon 02-Dec-19 08:26:58

They will need a guarantor - do not agree to be this if they ask.

The OP wouldn’t be eligible to be a guarantor.

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 02-Dec-19 08:37:06

Yeah they're highly unlikely to get a flat without a guarantor and would have to prove affordability. Presumably he hasn't been paid yet so won't be able to prove anything. They normally ask for 3 months worth of payslips.

Your priority seems to be your benefits. Will him working affect them?
When's he 18?

Princessdebthe1st Mon 02-Dec-19 08:50:16

Dear OP,
In your position I would try to remain neutral about him moving out but offer 'help' by ensuring he understands what he needs to acheive in order to have a place of their own. Help him draw up a budget starting with the deposit and 1st months rent. Make sure they include all requirements including council tax, utilities, insurance, tv licence, food, travel etc. Be helpful but do not help and stick to your guns about how often she stays over. Good luck.

HUZZAH212 Mon 02-Dec-19 08:57:27

Smile, nod, and agree. They'll look at flats which will come to nothing due to their age/wages. If they're going to be working together it'll increase the chances of falling out. Realistically if he's starting a job in January then your benefits will change regardless? Offer for her to sleep over at the weekends only. The more you try to fight/reason with him, the more he'll dig in his heels.

AutumnCrow Mon 02-Dec-19 09:11:44

My OH's DD announced something like this at 17 / 18. We gently showed her the reality - the cost of bills for utilities, council tax, Wi-Fi, groceries, etc, and told her to look at local rents online. Just for the deposit + month in advance DD and her boyf would have needed to save about £1,500.

Plus there's furniture, travel to work costs, clothes ...

Doesn't sound like the girlfriend's parents plan to fund this either? So it's not likely to happen - and certainly not without guarantors. A 17 year old also can't be on a tenancy contract I don't think? A legal contract requires a signatory to be 18 in Eng & Wales I was told by an estate agent (probably bullshit then ...)

MummyFourty Mon 02-Dec-19 10:12:00

Yeah it sounds like I'm worried about benefits but I don't want to be homeless again if I can't afford my flat, I left home at 17 and was living in a squat and going to soup kitchens as I was "voluntary homeless" as I left home of my own accord

So now I have a home and food etc I don't want it messed up, I'm scared of people my anxiety and depression makes it to hard to get a job right now

He's 18 in October next year and will have a very well paid job to go too if he finishes college, my benefits will change then and that's fine as if he moved out over the age of 18 my long term partner was going to move in as my son will have enough money to get his own place,
I've told him about bills, rent, heating, and my boyfriend leaving home thinking he can just move in with a girl and he had to move back in with his mum the next day, my son said just "let me experience it then"

He said his girlfriends dad will be guarantor, and the flat or room will be in her name as she's 18, nearly 19 but has a learning disability I think, she was kept back at school for two years and seems a bit slow,
I've told him he's living in a fantasy land and all he said to that was better that than being single

He never would of done this if he hadn't met her, she's on and on in his ear, twisting his arm behind his back and he is on the rebound from a long term first love, and just wants to be in a relationship

I've just dropped him at college and said I'm starting to resent her but I won't stop him leaving and they'll be a room here for him if it doesn't work out,

I keep changing the goal posts because I don't want him to hate me for "being mean" but I can't back down any more than I have,

Thanks to all for the advice

OP’s posts: |
MummyFourty Mon 02-Dec-19 11:04:20

I could go on about how much I don't want him leaving and he's my much longed for child, all I've wanted was a baby since I was a little girl but I thought I was infertile due to drug use, I stopped using to have a child, been clean over 18 years, was starting IVF when I fell pregnant naturally, he was 3 months premature, I nearly lost him got told I'd miscarried, bled throughout my pregnancy, he was only 2lb 9oz, we have the best relationship and he confides in me about everything, we are really close,

I'm too much of a soft touch as he's still my little boy, just feels she's taking him away if I'm honest, couldn't give a crap about money as I don't have much, but what I have I don't want to loose, just thought I'd add this to my story I've wrote above

Thanks to all for reading

OP’s posts: |
GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 02-Dec-19 11:17:00

@MummyFourty it's not about him being your little boy at all. If it was his ex you wouldn't feel this way, which is fine.

We all know it won't work out so just be there for him when he needs you.

He's growing up and he's not always going to get it right. It sounds like you're well aware of that so let him make his mistakes and then help him when he's ready.

AutumnCrow Mon 02-Dec-19 11:39:35

Where are they going to get the money from to rent a flat, though?

Or is this about the girlfriend's parents wanting her to move out for some reason, and they're planning to sub her? Does the girlfriend's father know your DS is expecting to move in to a place he's the guarantor for, and that your DS won't be on the tenancy and thus not liable in any way?

No landlord or estate agent would take that arrangement on round here, and I live in a pretty ordinary area. Or they'd want 6 months rent up front and references.

MummyFourty Mon 02-Dec-19 13:10:46

They're going to save up for the deposit etc and they both think they can afford rent between them and that it will be half their wages

I've said about other bills and he says "oh well" thinking other bills won't cost much

Apparently she spoke to her dad and he is fine with it, I've not spoke to him myself as this all happened last night, I might need have a word with her dad but as she's almost 19 and my son is 17 do I have any rights to speak with her dad? Not sure she'll even give me his number

She starts at his work today, has to do different hours to my son as they're not allowed to work together as it's against the rules, so he's going to sit in her/his work and wait for her to finish and she does this with him, sits there 5 hours at a fast food takeaway restaurant waiting for him

At first he thought she could be at ours while he's at college and work till I said I'm not entertaining her all day, I shouldn't have to as she has a home so now she sits waiting for him at work

They're both immature she acts younger than him in that respect, they can't even keep his room clean I've just had to go clean sticky sweets, rubbish including condom wrappers from his windowsill, clean everything, sweep the floor, put dirty clothes in the basket etc

How on earth will they manage with their own place if they can't even keep one small room clean and tidy

I can't see how her dad and step mum are letting it happen they must know they can't afford a place to rent

OP’s posts: |
AutumnCrow Mon 02-Dec-19 13:29:08

Who does she live with currently?

(I agree the whole thing is really unfeasible btw.)

HollowTalk Mon 02-Dec-19 13:35:19

It says in the OP she's living at home!

HollowTalk Mon 02-Dec-19 13:35:46

They are basically going to sit at work while they're not on duty and watching their boy/girlfriend work? That'll go down well!

Dinosauraddict Mon 02-Dec-19 13:52:41

Firstly, stop cleaning his room for him! Secondly, out of the box idea but have you thought about letting her move in with you/your DS and charging her rent to cover the benefits you'll lose? Then you know your DS will be safe, still at home, still going to college etc? Just an idea...

MummyFourty Mon 02-Dec-19 14:09:04

I don't clean his room very often I try and make him do it but it was making my skin crawl walking past it so today I gave it a good clean,

He said when he starts work he won't be paying me any keep, all I asked for was what I loose in housing benefit and he buys his own food, he said he'd rather move out, or in with his dad who he hardly see's now he's older and who hasn't got room for him

She won't pay me the money I loose either, and she'll need to pay council tax and things too I think?

And she does my head in when she's here, always trying to show me her new tik tok videos or vape flavour, stuff like that,

I can handle her a few days a week but not living here, plus my boyfriend doesn't like her, says she's poison and not good for my son,

Her living here won't work out as even if she paid me the money I loose I'd have to put up with her here while my son was at college and work and she makes me anxious and uneasy,

I'll try and see if she gives me her dad's number next time I see her and tell her I want to see what her dad makes of it all

Thanks again for the advice

OP’s posts: |
louise5754 Mon 02-Dec-19 14:23:35

Hi. Sorry I don't have any advice.

Can someone explain the nor staying over more than 2 nights a week?

I cannot work due to anxiety and autism. Currently appealing PIP. DH works away and is probably home 4 nights a month.

I've been told I cannot claim as I am married even though we don't have any spare money. DH pays all bills and the mortgage.

AutumnCrow Mon 02-Dec-19 14:27:21

I know @HollowTalk but I'm wondering does she live full-time with dad and step-mum, or move between dad's and mum's - and whether someone has an agenda to move her out to be 'independent'?

You see a fair bit of it on here, notably 'advice' to kick out any 18 year old perceived as being remotely troublesome or worrying.

AutumnCrow Mon 02-Dec-19 14:28:58

(Step-mum appears in OP's post of 13.10)

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