At a complete loss over dd age 14

(236 Posts)
Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 22:28:56

This is going to be long so you have my apologies.

Up until now my dd has been a lovely teenager to be around. We were really close and got on.
She has quite a negative opinion of herself looks which I find ridiculous even removing bias.

She hadn't had a boyfriend until this May and she " met a boy" on Instagram. He knows one of her Male schoolfriends and they started chatting.
I wasnt concerned at all.
He lives 50 miles away so I thought this will be good really as she won't see him so much that it will have a negative effect on her schoolwork, family, hobbies and friends.

How wrong I was.

She has changed so much and I just need to vent really. I know what I think deep down.

I have met him and felt guarded towards him but put that down to being protective mum etc.
A few weeks ago she asked if she could attend a party at one of his friends house ( a friend I do not know and who lives by him) so miles away.
I was at work until late and said I didn't want to drive over as i had an early start. Plus she had seen him at our house 2 days before.
Anyway she was furious at this and suggested she got the train. I point blank refused as she hasn't ever got the train alone before due to her going to school in a rural area. I tend to drive her in or a school bus collects her.
That aside it is an hour and a half journey. 2 stops, passing through to different cities and she wanted to go at 7pm and get the last train at 11pm.
Again I said nope. Too young, too alone, too unsafe and as I didn't know where she was going it wasnt going to change.
She completely lost her temper and screaming how much she hates me etc.
I checked her phone later that evening and this boyfriend was saying stuff like
" your parents don't care about you baby, they just care about upsetting you"
" your dad is a wanker and your mum is a bitch"

I spoke to her about it and she said he was just angry.
I asked her to text him and say look it isn't going to happen just leave it.
And as she picked her phone up he messaged and it said
" I am going to wank in your face and then slap you"

I took the phone off her at this point. I'm not naive enough to think they talk about the weather. I was a teenager once but I was majorly uncomfortable with this.

When she had her phone back I told her I wanted to check it as and when I felt the need.
One evening she had fell asleep with it next to her ( earlier than phones downstairs time)
So I took it and brought it downstairs to charge.
A message popped up

" you said we could do bondage and make porn, you would if you loved me"
I then messaged him and said this is her mother and I suggest you rethink what you have just said.
He then dumped her as I'm such a bitch.

She seemed happier and said she wasnt talking to him but I found out yesterday she still is and they are back together.
And he has been applying for part time weekend jobs for her so I cant take her phone off her if she pays for it.
She has changed beyond all recognition and clearly hates me right now. She is utterly besotted with him.

Other messages I have seen off him go on about her being imperfect but this makes her more appealing princess

I cant help but think it all seems very manipulative.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this I'm just so worried about how much she has changed.

Any advice?
Give me a toddler any day. Jesus christ sad

OP’s posts: |
MadeForThis Wed 11-Dec-19 22:34:53

Hope you get the help you all need. X

EMacCoffee Wed 11-Dec-19 20:53:02

Have just read your thread OP, what a horrible situation. You sound like a great mum and you dealt with it brilliantly.

I hope the police were useful and your DD is still doing well.

luanmapo Wed 11-Dec-19 18:59:33

Stumbled across this thread and it is literally word for word what we have been going through with our 14yr old daughter.
She was groomed by a so called lad who said he was 15, we reported to the police and they have provided a counselling service called the Rose Project for her. They basically help vulnerable children who have been groomed online and help them to keep safe.
My Daughter, much like yours literally changed and we didn’t recognise her.
She is also having CAHMS help too as has attempted to kill herself.
We are a normal family, children go to outstanding schools. My boys have been dream teenagers, but our daughters teenage years have hit us like a whirlwind!
I wish you all the very best. It’s the hardest thing in the world being a parent.

Teabay Tue 10-Dec-19 21:58:27

Were the police useful, OP? How is your daughter now?

GoldfishGirl Mon 02-Dec-19 21:25:59

Well done OP.

I work in a field not completely unrelated to this. Peer on peer sexual exploitation (incl sharing images of a sexual nature) is taken seriously by the Police and schools. A lot of social care teams have specialist workers who can do educational work with yp affected, contacting the Police can trigger a referral and help. Your dd would not be in trouble.

It is hard for a yp to recognise and they often feel it is their fault, that the relationship is genuine/caring etc. They need work around rebuilding self esteem, what is a healthy relationships, boundaries etc. Hopefully the school can help.

There are also specialists that work with yp who exhibit harmful sexual behaviour.

I wish you well.

Pumpkintopf Mon 02-Dec-19 18:33:54

Hope everything is still going ok @Carrotcakeforbreakfast thanks

Gruzinkerbell1 Thu 28-Nov-19 20:39:17

Hope the police have been helpful @Carrotcakeforbreakfast?

mogloveseggs Wed 27-Nov-19 11:01:04

Not to put a downer on things but please be aware that this might not be the end - she may get back in touch with him whilst maintaining that all is well. I speak from experience.

Clangus00 Tue 26-Nov-19 13:34:54

You've done so well OP.

zafferana Tue 26-Nov-19 13:03:01

I'm so glad things are turning around for you all quickly and that your DD seems happier already. The school and the police have both responded in just the way I'd hoped they would. I hope this post is helpful to other parents going through this, as I sadly feel that this sort of situation is quite normal nowadays sad

flowers for you OP and I hope things get better and better for you all.

HollowTalk Tue 26-Nov-19 12:01:01

You've done really well, OP and so has your daughter. It's like she was addicted to him, isn't it? I'm so glad you've helped her break free of him.

Pumpkintopf Tue 26-Nov-19 11:37:15

So relieved to hear this op, it sounds like your daughter is genuinely glad to be out of the influence of this horrible individual. Well done you for protecting her so strongly.

girlofthenorth Tue 26-Nov-19 10:24:12

Just been through the thread and want to say well done OP, my DD is 15 and it's a really tough situation, I hope it goes well from here. I think you handled everything well. I didn't see any mention of it on the thread so thought I would mention , a friend of mine had a similar situation and the NSPCC were very good and understanding.

Themyscira Tue 26-Nov-19 09:27:25

Amazing news,.op. so so glad all.

Gruzinkerbell1 Tue 26-Nov-19 09:23:54

Well done @Carrotcakeforbreakfast! I’m so glad to hear that things are settling down already and that your girl is coming back to you. She desperately needed your help and your whole family stepped in to protect her. That’s bloody good parenting in my books.

Hope it all goes well with the police, and brilliant that the school are being so supportive too.

Take care of yourself, you’ve done absolutely everything right. Enjoy having your lovely daughter back flowers

BertieBotts Tue 26-Nov-19 08:51:44

Gosh - I got pulled into a relationship like this at 18, when I was presumably 4 years more mature and worldly than a 14 year old, and I absolutely don't need the stately homes thread. My childhood was fine and my mum is lovely, not toxic in any way. It does not necessarily follow and I hope you haven't taken that particular poster's comments to heart OP.

Teenagers are susceptible to this kind of thing because they are emotionally immature (because they AREN'T fully mature yet, not because there is anything wrong) and don't have much experience of relationships, so they can just assume this is how it is for everyone.

Well done OP I still think you are doing brilliantly.

QueenOfOversharing Tue 26-Nov-19 08:23:57

* I feel far more positive now and relieved but just mentally and emotionally drained.*

This is great - hopefully things will just settle & your DD can put this behind her. So glad the school are being so understanding too.

Paddy1234 Tue 26-Nov-19 08:06:28

This is what I wanted to hear ❤️

NCTDN Tue 26-Nov-19 07:09:37

It seems that DD is actually relieved you have found out and that your are helping her regain control over her own life? Well done - glad it is positive.

justilou1 Tue 26-Nov-19 02:57:09

I am so pleased to see parent-led decisions being made. All too often on here I see parents faffing around saying “Oh, I can’t do anything because my kid wouldn’t like it, or wouldn’t let me...”. Here is a very clear-cut example of a child needing her parents to take control so that they can feel safe. You and DH have made some hard decisions on behalf of your child so that she wouldn’t have to, and while you have all got some healing to do, you’re clearly getting your DD back, and thank god, all of this was uncovered before anything more heartbreaking happened. Once again, I applaud the way you have handled this as a family.

AFairlyHardAvocado Mon 25-Nov-19 23:53:40

Oh this is fantastic news OP I am so pleased for you! And your poor daughter thank god she's out of the situation now, I could cry at how relieved it sounds like she is. Well done for handling this so well and getting the right people helping you out too, brilliant the police and school have been supportive and taken it seriously. Give her a big hug from the MN army thanks

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Mon 25-Nov-19 23:45:50

Hello all

I feel so drained today and unbelievably tired.
Dd seems so much more cheerful and carefree.
Just like she was before she started talking to him.
I was expecting her to be upset but no, the relief is palpable.

The police are now seeing us tomorrow but I may ask them to delay it a day or 2 as my younger dd will be around. DH can't swap his shift and I would rather the littlest one not eavesdrop.

School where fantastic.
DD head of year called me as I emailed him last night and my sister called him too to check in.
He has been so good and referred to the school safeguarding team and school counsellor.

He too said he has noticed dd was becoming more and more sullen and disengaged. He has been her head of year since year 7 so knows her very well.

I feel far more positive now and relieved but just mentally and emotionally drained.

OP’s posts: |
AFairlyHardAvocado Mon 25-Nov-19 22:59:59

Another one here hoping today went ok thanks

CherryBathBomb Mon 25-Nov-19 22:44:46

How did it go today?

NCTDN Mon 25-Nov-19 22:18:54

Yes I was thinking about op today as well.

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