Page 2 | At a complete loss over dd age 14

(236 Posts)
Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 22:28:56

This is going to be long so you have my apologies.

Up until now my dd has been a lovely teenager to be around. We were really close and got on.
She has quite a negative opinion of herself looks which I find ridiculous even removing bias.

She hadn't had a boyfriend until this May and she " met a boy" on Instagram. He knows one of her Male schoolfriends and they started chatting.
I wasnt concerned at all.
He lives 50 miles away so I thought this will be good really as she won't see him so much that it will have a negative effect on her schoolwork, family, hobbies and friends.

How wrong I was.

She has changed so much and I just need to vent really. I know what I think deep down.

I have met him and felt guarded towards him but put that down to being protective mum etc.
A few weeks ago she asked if she could attend a party at one of his friends house ( a friend I do not know and who lives by him) so miles away.
I was at work until late and said I didn't want to drive over as i had an early start. Plus she had seen him at our house 2 days before.
Anyway she was furious at this and suggested she got the train. I point blank refused as she hasn't ever got the train alone before due to her going to school in a rural area. I tend to drive her in or a school bus collects her.
That aside it is an hour and a half journey. 2 stops, passing through to different cities and she wanted to go at 7pm and get the last train at 11pm.
Again I said nope. Too young, too alone, too unsafe and as I didn't know where she was going it wasnt going to change.
She completely lost her temper and screaming how much she hates me etc.
I checked her phone later that evening and this boyfriend was saying stuff like
" your parents don't care about you baby, they just care about upsetting you"
" your dad is a wanker and your mum is a bitch"

I spoke to her about it and she said he was just angry.
I asked her to text him and say look it isn't going to happen just leave it.
And as she picked her phone up he messaged and it said
" I am going to wank in your face and then slap you"

I took the phone off her at this point. I'm not naive enough to think they talk about the weather. I was a teenager once but I was majorly uncomfortable with this.

When she had her phone back I told her I wanted to check it as and when I felt the need.
One evening she had fell asleep with it next to her ( earlier than phones downstairs time)
So I took it and brought it downstairs to charge.
A message popped up

" you said we could do bondage and make porn, you would if you loved me"
I then messaged him and said this is her mother and I suggest you rethink what you have just said.
He then dumped her as I'm such a bitch.

She seemed happier and said she wasnt talking to him but I found out yesterday she still is and they are back together.
And he has been applying for part time weekend jobs for her so I cant take her phone off her if she pays for it.
She has changed beyond all recognition and clearly hates me right now. She is utterly besotted with him.

Other messages I have seen off him go on about her being imperfect but this makes her more appealing princess

I cant help but think it all seems very manipulative.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this I'm just so worried about how much she has changed.

Any advice?
Give me a toddler any day. Jesus christ sad

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Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 23:23:00

Thank you so much everyone.

I was starting to think I was being dramatic in all honesty as I said to my DH and family that it grooming
But he was only a child and wasnt sure about the legal side of that
Plus has she has reciprocated everything he has said.

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Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 23:23:10

* she has

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DishingOutDone Fri 22-Nov-19 23:25:08

She's still the victim here, don't get into that "he's only a child" shit. He's manipulating her. If she was 24 and he was 25 it would be called coercion.

Perunatop Fri 22-Nov-19 23:27:18

You need to stop her seeing him and do everything in your power to stop all contact. One day (but maybe not for a few years) she will recognise you are right. Teenagers need boundaries, even if they fight against them.

namechangenumber2 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:28:35

Jesus this is awful to read OP sad. Hope you manage to get it sorted

SexlessBoulderBelly Fri 22-Nov-19 23:30:14

Yep the phone and if she has a laptop goes.

Does she have social media? Close the accounts until her behaviour starts improving.

Replace all her technical belongs with a very basic texting and calling mobile with little credit and just family members numbers in it.

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 23:31:05

She told me yesterday that he went after one of her friends first but she stopped talking to him as he was creepy

I said well there you go.

She said I've seen the messages there was nothing creepy there she is just being dramatic.

I said well you don't think him mentioning bondage is creepy so I think your judgement is somewhat clouded.

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Themyscira Fri 22-Nov-19 23:36:41

Very worrying. Can you get her into counselling? Check with your local DV charity perhaps? Take this seriously, op.

BertieBotts Fri 22-Nov-19 23:40:03

It's definitely grooming/abusive behaviour. You might find it illuminating to read about abusive relationships/dynamics and the mindset of someone being taken in by it. It's very insidious and hard to describe/understand if you haven't been there.

Her age and the distance is on your side - she will hate it, but you do have the power to stop her seeing him and make it more difficult for her to contact him. However I agree don't do anything that makes it hard for her to stay in contact with her friends. It sounds like they are a much more positive influence, and over time with less contact from him I think that will balance things out.

If he can't get to her enough then he will get bored and move on to someone else. I would also waste no time in contacting his mum - it may be he's learned this from porn or something like that and he's just totally immature, but that's her issue to puzzle over really. Yours is to protect your daughter. If nothing else contacting her ought to embarrass him.

7Days Fri 22-Nov-19 23:42:27

That's horrifying OP.

I dont mean to speak out of turn and add to your burdens, but I would be worried about the I'll Earn My Own Money thing.
14 year olds cant legally work, (akaik, there may be exceptions) but you wouldn't want to leave her open to being manipulated into doing something illegal.
You would need to act sooner rather than later, I wish I
had some ideas as to what to do, having said that.

Things like parties - if you brought her and collected her 3 hours later? If you could speak to the other mother to keep an eye on her end, if she is sensible enough.
Let DD think she is being independent but really closely watched, it might fizzle out quicker that way.

All the best

Happyspud Fri 22-Nov-19 23:46:11

Horrific! I’d stop them seeing each other. She’s 14! And is being abused and exposed to deeply inappropriate situations. I’d even consider calling the police to see if they could go and give the boy a scare about online abuse and underage sex, and alert his parents. He sounds bloody dangerous and I’d not have him anywhere near my family.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:48:38

Christ OP .. what a horrid situation... I agree with completely removing her phone access.. good luck with his Mother flowers

CoffeeBeansGalore Fri 22-Nov-19 23:49:59

Agree with previous pp - remove her phone/laptop/tablet etc for now & give just cheap payg text/phone.
No more meeting up.
No contact of any sort.
She may try staying in touch by using friends devices. I would be tempted to message them all (from her confiscated phone) saying this lad is dangerous, dd will not see it, you want to keep her & them safe & so not to let her use their phones/accounts as he could start messaging awful stuff to them too.
If necessary contact the police. They are both minors but he has got this perversion from somewhere. What if he is being used to groom young girls for someine else? The local bobby may pay a visit to "have a word".

Best of luck

NeedAnExpert Fri 22-Nov-19 23:50:22

* 14 year olds cant legally work, (akaik, there may be exceptions)*

Yes they can. hmm

14 year olds cant legally work, (akaik, there may be exceptions)

NeedAnExpert Fri 22-Nov-19 23:50:47

CoffeeBeansGalore Fri 22-Nov-19 23:52:24

*someone else

PlinkPlink Fri 22-Nov-19 23:53:43

So difficult because age 14 you're so convinced you're right and your parents know fuck all 🙈

I got into a relationship that was entirely inappropriate at that age and I was convinced it didnt matter because we loved each other 🙄

I look back now and can see the vulnerable girl I was. I can see how that man took advantage of that and I can see how awful the whole situation was at the time. Hindsight.

So difficult to know how to handle this. And terrifying for you.

Have you explained to her about normal relationships and how they shouldn't be influenced by porn? He sounds like he's watched way too much and has now taken that as how to be sexually normal.

Could you explain to her the dangers that bondage entails? Especially when this boy clearly has no idea about consenting relationships. What would she do if she was tied up and he didn't stop when she asked her to? Its putting her in a vulnerable position with someone she barely knows.

Could you also explain that good partners do not bad mouth their partner's parents and they do not shout at their partners?

Do you mind me asking if Dad is in the picture too?
Alot of my vulnerability came from my Dad being pretty absent (along with some early abuse from someone else too - so not entirely down to my Dad being absent)

I would seriously put in a report to the school. This is a safeguarding issue (im an ex teacher), the school would want to be kept in the loop with this.

I would contact his mother too and I would seriously consider using the threat of police or even filing a report with them. It'll make you the bad guy for a bit but you are protecting your daughter. She is still underage and she has been sucked into this guy's bizarre treatment of her.

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 23:55:15

My friend is a head teacher and made the suggestion that he is being used to groom my someone else. He has an older brother.

I've taken the phone again and she isnt impressed. She doesn't know she won't be having it back for the foreseeable.

The parties I wouldn't mind doing that if it wasn't so far away and I knew the parents.
I'm not unreasonable with her independence and as she grows she gets more independence but for now back to how she was at primary age.
She hates me so, so much right now.

Mum hasn't read the Facebook message yet.
I remembered I know where she works, so if she doesn't contact me that is another option.

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7Days Fri 22-Nov-19 23:56:14

Fair enough, NeedAnExpert, I stand corrected. Thought it was a couple of years later except in family businesses etc.
Anyway - off topic, OP, and apologies for the wrong information.

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Sat 23-Nov-19 00:00:44

Yes dad is still around and has tried to speak to her as a grown up, shouted at her, taken her phone. We have tried anything.

It is funny you say that they think we know nothing.
She said to me yesterday what the hell would you know.

I think a lot of vulnerability comes from school and comments from boys about being ugly etc.
I thought I had brought her up to be strong but no. I feel like I have failed.

When it all kicked off I let her have a sleepover with a couple of friends. Took them all out to fireworks.

Then me and her went shopping the next day alone. I have really tried but now I think it is time for tough love.

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CoffeeBeansGalore Sat 23-Nov-19 00:02:26

She doesn't hate you - she hates that you are stopping her doing what she wants. She will eventually see you are right.

Hang in there & protect your daughter. You may not recognise your little girl at the moment but she is still there, and needs her mum. (Mum of 2 daughters, now thankfully out of teens!).

Beseen19 Sat 23-Nov-19 00:04:57

I can 100% understand the want to ground her and keep her safe and take the phone away but this doesn't sound like a typical teenage relationship which parents aren't happy about. He sounds abusive and is using language to try and isolate her from her family. Then there is also the fact her friend thinks he is creepy too, so potentially isolating her from friends.
Shes 14 and if she wants to get in touch/see him she will find a way and you'll be the villain in it all for keeping them apart. Is there anywhere you can access some support to stop him being in control of the whole situation?

This whole thing sounds awful and he sounds like a messed up kid.

poorlymatchedsocks Sat 23-Nov-19 00:06:17

God he sounds horrendous. Maybe speak to childline and see what they suggest

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Sat 23-Nov-19 00:11:53

I think I will message her best friends mum

I told her about some of the messed up sexual stuff before and she was horrified.
However, it transpires that when I took her phone off her last time her best friend gave her hers to use to contact him.
I might ask the mother to support me and ask her dd to not allow it.

Social media has got a lot to answer for.
My dad said just call the mobile provider and block his number. If it was only that simple dad.

Anyone of her mates can find him on Instagram or whatever.

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Carrotcakeforbreakfast Sat 23-Nov-19 00:13:05

I've hardly slept for a week

And I've cried more tears than I ever did during those sleepless, colic filled nights.

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