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At a complete loss over dd age 14

(233 Posts)
Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 22:28:56

This is going to be long so you have my apologies.

Up until now my dd has been a lovely teenager to be around. We were really close and got on.
She has quite a negative opinion of herself looks which I find ridiculous even removing bias.

She hadn't had a boyfriend until this May and she " met a boy" on Instagram. He knows one of her Male schoolfriends and they started chatting.
I wasnt concerned at all.
He lives 50 miles away so I thought this will be good really as she won't see him so much that it will have a negative effect on her schoolwork, family, hobbies and friends.

How wrong I was.

She has changed so much and I just need to vent really. I know what I think deep down.

I have met him and felt guarded towards him but put that down to being protective mum etc.
A few weeks ago she asked if she could attend a party at one of his friends house ( a friend I do not know and who lives by him) so miles away.
I was at work until late and said I didn't want to drive over as i had an early start. Plus she had seen him at our house 2 days before.
Anyway she was furious at this and suggested she got the train. I point blank refused as she hasn't ever got the train alone before due to her going to school in a rural area. I tend to drive her in or a school bus collects her.
That aside it is an hour and a half journey. 2 stops, passing through to different cities and she wanted to go at 7pm and get the last train at 11pm.
Again I said nope. Too young, too alone, too unsafe and as I didn't know where she was going it wasnt going to change.
She completely lost her temper and screaming how much she hates me etc.
I checked her phone later that evening and this boyfriend was saying stuff like
" your parents don't care about you baby, they just care about upsetting you"
" your dad is a wanker and your mum is a bitch"

I spoke to her about it and she said he was just angry.
I asked her to text him and say look it isn't going to happen just leave it.
And as she picked her phone up he messaged and it said
" I am going to wank in your face and then slap you"

I took the phone off her at this point. I'm not naive enough to think they talk about the weather. I was a teenager once but I was majorly uncomfortable with this.

When she had her phone back I told her I wanted to check it as and when I felt the need.
One evening she had fell asleep with it next to her ( earlier than phones downstairs time)
So I took it and brought it downstairs to charge.
A message popped up

" you said we could do bondage and make porn, you would if you loved me"
I then messaged him and said this is her mother and I suggest you rethink what you have just said.
He then dumped her as I'm such a bitch.

She seemed happier and said she wasnt talking to him but I found out yesterday she still is and they are back together.
And he has been applying for part time weekend jobs for her so I cant take her phone off her if she pays for it.
She has changed beyond all recognition and clearly hates me right now. She is utterly besotted with him.

Other messages I have seen off him go on about her being imperfect but this makes her more appealing princess

I cant help but think it all seems very manipulative.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this I'm just so worried about how much she has changed.

Any advice?
Give me a toddler any day. Jesus christ sad

BillHadersNewWife Fri 22-Nov-19 22:34:52

Take her phone away.

I would.

And try to see if they've passed any photos or videos....if there are any of her, go straight to the police.

It's classed as child abuse....

I just could NOT allow the boy access to her...removing the phone will stop it.

Salene Fri 22-Nov-19 22:36:14

I would somehow stop her from contacting him, removing phone if I had too. He sounds extremely dodgy.

MissMarks Fri 22-Nov-19 22:39:11

She is 14. This is awful. I would screen shot the messages and send them to yourself and then phone his parents. Do you know anything about them??

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 22:39:20

I tried this but I want her to keep up the contact with her mates as they're all lovely and also dislike him
I blocked him on snapchat and Instagram on her phone and deleted his number but she just re added him.
She said she wanted to die when I took her phone too.
The change in character is shocking.
She was such a happy girl before and when I say that she says I'm the only one who makes her unhappy. sad

She has never had a detention before and since meeting him has had 4.

I should add he is 15.

I have found his mum on Facebook and was tempted to send her a message asking for her to stop him contacting her.

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 22-Nov-19 22:39:34

Jesus! I would remove the phone and completely ground her, accompany her everywhere. This boy sounds bloody dangerous.

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 22:41:23

No I just know what they do and roughly where they live.

I've looked for photos but haven't seen any.
I told her about this.

I said to her I need to speak to his mum and she said here you go again causing trouble.
He hasn't said anything bad since I asked him not to.

I'm so worried this will shape what she thinks relationships should be.
Bondage??
Porn

When I questioned her she said oh not until I'm 16.
She really doesn't even understand what she is saying.
I said are you insane?

Eurghh

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 22:42:29

Oh and the last time she saw him and the reason I stopped them seeing each other

Was she came home from the cinema where I dropped her and picked her up from
With lovebites on her chest.

It has all made me feel so poorly.

Thesispieces Fri 22-Nov-19 22:44:49

Remove the phone and all pocket money. Keep the messages and if he is over the age of consent contact the police. If he is under contact parents/schools etc. Blow this up big time. this is crazy.

MissMarks Fri 22-Nov-19 22:45:00

I would definitely be speaking to his mother. I would message and ask to speak on the phone. I would be blunt and tell her if her little toad continues like this you will be contacting community police

justcantthink Fri 22-Nov-19 22:45:13

He sounds very dangerous. I would screenshot his messages and contact his parents telling them you will go to the police if he doesn't leave her alone.

He sounds like a lunatic, I think I'd go to the police anyway.

The stress of this must be horrendous.

Louise91417 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:45:31

Is this boy definately only 15? Sounds very manipulative and controlling and bloody dangerous..is ask about his age as my dd15 met a boy..who i was told was 16 and it ended up he was 18! I had a bad vibe about this boy amd was right..he ended up in court for assault against my daughter!

MissMarks Fri 22-Nov-19 22:46:22

It sounds like a totally toxic relationship and needs nipped in the bud ASAP.

MissMarks Fri 22-Nov-19 22:48:12

I would also maybe speak to the pastoral team at her school too

Thesispieces Fri 22-Nov-19 22:50:22

Just saw you found his mum on FB. Contact her immediately.

EightiesBaby Fri 22-Nov-19 22:51:30

She's been groomed by a predator. Educate yourself and her immediately. Check CEOP website and watch the videos together. Contact your school to ask for advice also. So sorry flowers

Themyscira Fri 22-Nov-19 22:56:34

Are you certain this boy is actually her age?

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 22:58:53

Yes he is definitely her age.

I have message his mum saying we need to chat.

She has been sexually explicit in her messages back but it isnt her..I know this in my very soul.
Compliant to everything he has said.

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 22:59:33

Louise91417

How bloody awful

Is she okay now

Lindy2 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:00:25

This sounds awful. Your poor daughter will believe this is how a normal relationship is.

Is he really only 15? He sounds a lot older. How do you know he has told her his real age?

I'm not sure what to suggest as I know how determined 14 year olds can be. I'd be doing everything I could though to discourage this relationship.

MissingMySleep Fri 22-Nov-19 23:05:56

He sounds dangerous. Applying for jobs for her? I imagined that you have to give permission for a 14 year old to have a job - can you just say no?
He sounds manipulative and an abuser, albeit a young one.
Can you find info online about abusive relationships and sit her down and make her watch it to help her understand she is being played and what the risks are of being involved with someone like that?
Good news you have located the mother, hopefully she will be able to deal with his behaviour in some way, but she may refuse to believe that her son is capable of such horrible behaviour.

Themyscira Fri 22-Nov-19 23:12:40

He has groomed her and this is abusive. I wish I had more advice for you, but please be aware that your DD has been traumatised by this boy, whether she recognises it yet or not. What he is doing to her is not her fault but she needs to be protected from him.

MissMarks Fri 22-Nov-19 23:16:41

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/dominator-mr-right.pdf
Good graphic on toxic vs positive relationship

Carrotcakeforbreakfast Fri 22-Nov-19 23:19:26

I told her I didn't want her getting a job as she needs to concentrate on school now. She wants to be a vet.

When I put a ban on them talking before and found out they were talking.
She told me she messaged him first. It is like she is in a trance.

All the messages from her are like
" I love you so much you make me so happy and have changed me for the better"
It is like a different person and I cannot get over how much of a hold he has over her.
It is mind boggling.

He is defo only 15.
His mum picked him up from our house and said to him come on
Birthday tomorrow. Then said to me I cant believe he will be 15.

Also he looks very, very young.

A message from him the other day was him saying sorry I shouted at you.
I want you to do well and you won't if you're in trouble all the time.

Incidentally
Detentions only started happening after he appeared on the scene.
I noticed yesterday he is on her Instagram but has blocked me.
I didn't follow him or anything but now I can't even see his page.

DishingOutDone Fri 22-Nov-19 23:22:06

Definitely abuse. Don't be her friend here OP, be the parent. She'll accuse and threaten all sorts of things. Thank god this little prick is 50 miles away!

Call the mother tell her to get her house in order or you will get the police involved. My DD got involved with someone like this when she was 14 and she narrowly avoided serious assault, only told me 4 years later. Apparently she confided in a teacher and they helped her to break away from the boy.

I will never forgive myself for thinking it was innocent.

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