Advice on how to cope

(4 Posts)
Roussillon849 Sat 16-Nov-19 08:11:08

My DD14 is going through some serious friendship issues in school. The usual stuff among teenage girls but on the nastier end of the spectrum: bitchiness, betrayals, backstabbing, telling lies about her behind her back, what feels like a lot of people turning against her... It seems a sad general state of affairs that, from what I can tell, none of it is massively unusual.

School have been involved, which has done some good and some harm, but that's another story. She seems to be just about coping and is not completely lonely or ostracised as she still has a small group around her. But she is upset and struggling - sometimes is really fed up, sometimes a little happier, and sometimes she clearly wants to avoid even thinking about it.

The reason for my post is that I am really struggling with it all. It hurts me so much to see this happening to her. So much that sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. I'm struggling to sleep, I often want to cry, my stomach is in knots, and I am very worried, scared and anxious about the whole thing.

I think/hope that she sees relatively little of my anxiety - we talk about what is happening, I encourage her to share her feelings as well as what people said or did, I listen to everything, I praise and support and encourage her as much as I can. But she knows I'm worried, and my support is often not as good as I'd like it to be because behind the scenes my anxiety and fear and worry for her is working overtime.

I know this is not about me and I have no intention to make it so, so I would appreciate any advice on how to have a good talking to myself, get some perspective, stop catastrophising and expecting the worst, and basically make things better for her in whatever way I can. Please be kind, though. smile

Sorry for this long post and thank you if you've read it all!

OP’s posts: |
Toomuch999 Thu 21-Nov-19 20:40:46

I’m so sorry you haven’t had any responses. I have a 16yo and a 13yo who have both experienced similar, my oldest had a horrible time in Y7, 8 and 9 and I think I experienced it all with him - it’s SO painful watching them go through stuff you can’t kiss better. My only consolation is that now, in y11, he is able to cope with stuff without quite so much angst, and so am I. We take strength from the fact that he’s survived before and will do again... “this too shall pass.”
The only things that helped me were keeping busy (distraction!), talking to sympathetic friends and ignoring, occasionally, their distress, telling them that you have confidence in their ability to find their way through this.
Your last paragraph shows that you know exactly what to do ... it’s just practice!
You sound lovely btw, she’s a lucky girl, and it sounds like you have a great relationship. I bet you went through similar and survived. She (and you) will too flowers

tomatosoup4 Thu 21-Nov-19 20:56:02

So sorry your daughter ( and you ) are going through this it's such a horrible time.

My dd had 4 very close friends and 1 of the girls was her best friend, the finished school together, went to prom and thought the summer went on lots of days out, parties ect. They all got into the same college with 3 of them doing the same course (dd included) they were all so excited to start a new chapter. 2 weeks before college started one of the girls fell out with dd (this girl was cheating on her bf and dd told her she was wrong) the rest of the group sided with the other girl, I hoped that they would make up before college but they didn't and it escalated into online bullying. Dd blocked them all on social media dropped out of college without even starting sad that week too she found out her bf cheated on her, it was the single most heartbreaking time I've ever experienced, seeing your child inconsolable and wondering what the future will hold for them is shit! Anyway she's almost 18 now and has nothing to do with any of them and too right too, one of those girls was her best friend and she turned out to be a snake, dd at the time was diagnosed with depression and after 9 months her life got better when she made new friends (all boys thank god) she's got a job now and is looking forward to driving soon.

My advice would be to just be there for her, be her shoulder to cry on, things will get better. Good luck smile

tomatosoup4 Thu 21-Nov-19 20:58:15

Sorry for all the typos I'm trying to type with one hand whilst holding dc hand with the other lol

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