Daughter hates me now dads back in her life

(31 Posts)
LucyDev18 Fri 15-Nov-19 20:38:30

I have a 19 yo dd who i had when i was very young, her dad left us when she was 3, he never bothered with her until this yr, he would only look to see her if i looked for money off him, then he would come see her once and not bother after that again. For a long time she didn't see him or his family, 4 yrs ago i left a very bad relationship and i was talking with her grandparents after it, i started to talk more with them, and she did too, but wven when she was in their house and he came in he would ignore her, her aunty has fallen out with the whole family for trying to defend DD and get her dad to talk to her. Any way in the past few months since him and his wife had their 4th baby (first girl) he suddenly started talking with her again
Recently she has been going to visit him a lot and the past 2 weeks she has stayed every night in her nannies and visited him everyday, and since then she has stopped talking to me, i went to their house today to try talk with her, she tols me how bad i was and how everything i ever did was wrong, i know i haven't always been the best mum but i always did what i thought was best for her. I really don't know what to do know. She is suddenly bringing up things from the past that i thought we had talked about and delat with to the best of our abilities, i know that there were bad times but why is she only bringing this up now since she is seeing him again, i would do anything for her and now she wants nothing to do with me, if she comes in the house she just grabs what she wants and leaves again doesnt say hello or goodbye or anything. She tild me today i dont spend time with her, just us, but i cant as she is never here and if she is the boyfriend is with her. If i ask her to go any where she says no. She told my dh ages ago that i was too much and she wanted me to back off and stop babying her that she was grown up so I did know shes saying i dont care and i dont spend time with her, i just can't seem to win.

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BlameItOnTheVodka Fri 15-Nov-19 22:18:55

Hi maybe get this moved to the relationship forum for more traffic/answers. Sorry i can't be of any advice regarding this situation

slipperywhensparticus Fri 15-Nov-19 22:26:53

She is 19 they are selfish cows at 19 I have one and we are lucky we have a good relationship even then we still spark off each other

My advice is to tell her to be a fool if you must but at least have the decency to be your own fool he didnt bother with you then your a novelty to him now I will be here if you need me but I'm NOT going to be your emotional punch bag you are my child and you dont speak to me like that

Then grey rock her on the phone and dont chase her to see her

slipperywhensparticus Fri 15-Nov-19 22:29:05

And I would lock the door stop her just wandering in and out explain she needs to let you know when she is coming to YOUR house

LucyDev18 Fri 15-Nov-19 23:37:55

@blameitonthevodka i wouldnt even know how to move it, it took me long enough to find this to post on I'm useless with this stuff, i just hoped this would be right.
@slipperywhensparticus i havw told her what he will be like, i tried to explain about how he's been with her although i should have to it wasnt that long ago she was cry about how he ignored her while standing next to her in grandads, but now the sweet talker has talked around and its all my fault, she was so nasty I've never seen her like this, it was like i wasn't looking at my daughter. I can't lock thw door she has a key, but then i didnt tell her this is her home and always will be, i just don't know what to say anymore to her. I feel lost and heart broken, im currently nearly 21 weeks pregnant I'm finding this really hard and dh won't be home until tomorrow, i haven't told him yet as i know he will be worrying I'm too upset.

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GrumpyHoonMain Fri 15-Nov-19 23:43:13

I think you need to change the locks and make it clear she only gets the key back if she treats you with respect in your home (yours not hers). At 19 she knows what she’s doing and her aim is to hurt you - the only way she will ever be able to appreciate you or move on from the past is to let her get hurt by her dad

LucyDev18 Fri 15-Nov-19 23:59:22

@GrumpyHoonMain I just cant do it too her i feel like i need to do more for her, i always promised to do all i could for her, i feel like i let her down years ago when i found out my ex had been hitting her when ever i wasnt around and threating her if she told me, i only found this out after i left him. I feel so bad for letting her down then and she knows this because she throws it at me when she gets upset. I would love to give her some hard love but i don't want her to be upset. I really do need to stand up to her though i know my dh will say the same when he gets in tomorrow

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slipperywhensparticus Sat 16-Nov-19 07:39:56

When she starts give her a firm NO! dont bother with long discussions she isnt hearing them tell her to stop hurting your feelings and if she has nothing nice to say then to say nothing be clear and dont listen to anything negative from her

slipperywhensparticus Sat 16-Nov-19 07:42:04

Also when she throws it at you he used to hit you when you weren't around and never told you? Tell her if she had opened her mouth and said something you could have dealt with it

velocitygirl7 Sat 16-Nov-19 07:46:13

You mentioned you were in a very bad relationship? How much did this affect your dds life? She maybe struggling with that?

GrimalkinsCrone Sat 16-Nov-19 07:47:59

It sounds as if she needs a breathing space after a confused and traumatic childhood. Time to be an independent adult away from the effects of your life choices and the impact they’ve had on her.
Are you with the father of this new baby?
I’d let her be, not shut her out and wait until she’s made some sense out of the chaos and abuse she’s lived through.
Why didn’t she tell you that your ex was hitting her? Did she think you’d say she was lying? Or that you’d choose him over her?

BelleSausage Sat 16-Nov-19 07:53:15

It’ll be the 21 weeks pregnant thing! Do you have any other children? Is this going to be her first half sibling?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth Sat 16-Nov-19 07:54:15

Definitely time to step away. She's an adult. Tell her to live her own life and stop blaming the past. When she has kids she can try to do better but you did your best. Be there when the dad lets her down because he will. But otherwise leave her to it and stop chasing her down. Forgive yourself and look after yourself during your pregnancy. Her mind's been twisted by him and she should know better. My ex never sees my teenage sons since they were toddlers. If they were to turn round and do this to me for him I'd show them the door.

ILiveInSalemsLot Sat 16-Nov-19 07:55:27

She’s 19 and trying to make sense of her past and identity. It sounds like she has had a lot of pain in her life.
You just need to let her do what she needs to do.
Send her a message telling her how much you love her, that you understand things were hard for her and if you could change it, you would. Let her know that you’ll always be there for her and you’d do anything for her.
Then just give her the space she needs.

GrimalkinsCrone Sat 16-Nov-19 07:56:07

Slippery, are you blaming a child for her own abuse by an adult?
OP, you may have to face the blame and anger for a while, let her make a relationship with her father and family and see what the future holds.
Maybe she will be able to rationalise and deal with the events in her childhood and forgive you, maybe she will distance herself instead.
She’s a free adult now.

EsmeeMerlin Sat 16-Nov-19 08:02:59

@slipperywhensparticus your post makes me so mad. Me and my sister were physically abused by our stepdad. It took us years to tell our mum. We were scared, and she was often caught in her own problems that we never thought she would do anything anyway. All the signs were there, we hated being with him, we cried when we had to leave our grandparents after weekends away and we begged our mum to leave him when they had their awful rows and fights. Child abuse is not the child’s fault, it can be very difficult to tell the abuser’s partner, even if that partner is your mum.

Sorry to go off on one on your post op, it sounds as if your dd had a difficult childhood and that can bring up moments of anger. Tell your dd you love her, but just let her have her space for a little while. She is 19, an adult.

lunar1 Sat 16-Nov-19 08:03:39

How long were you with the ex that hit her? I'd give ger space and not push her too much. It sounds like she's not had an easy upbringing.

Stooshie8 Sat 16-Nov-19 08:10:11

Is she making you the bad guy so that it means that her DF actually did want to be with her growing up but you made it so hard from him he didn't. Which is of course a total lie, but what she needs to tell herself just now because otherwise she has to face that he didn't want her, love her or want to be with her.

Over time I think she will realise that he actually chose not to be with her or see her grow up. But she needs time to process this and accept it and to mature.

I would hang on in and try to keep your attention away from their relationship, get on with your own life. Feel sorry for her as well as angry with her (and him).

Stooshie8 Sat 16-Nov-19 08:11:38

I see it was ex who was hitting her. She has to deal with that too. Can you afford counselling for her?

LucyDev18 Sat 16-Nov-19 10:15:11

@slipperywhensparticus i just can't do it do her she gets so upset. I know she is hurting and upset. But i just wantrd to figute why now she decides to ignore me.

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DerbyshireGirly Sat 16-Nov-19 10:23:19

OP she's lashing out at you because she trusts you most and knows you'll always be there for you. She's still very young at 19 and has a lot of figuring out left to do. This unstable, unpredictable relationship with her dad and the new siblings being born/on the way are probably making her feel really insecure. The last thing she needs is you changing locks, cutting her off, "grey rock"ing like others have suggested! Let her know you'll always be there for her and then love her from a distance until she's ready to come back. Check in with her once or twice a week maybe. But she needs to know you'll be there when Daddy Come Lately gets bored again.

LucyDev18 Sat 16-Nov-19 10:30:11

@velocitygirl7 i know it definitely affected her we have talked about this many times, long tearful chats, but all of a sudden 2 weeks ago she just stopped staying at home stopped being here for dinner and stopped talking with me. All these years later. @GrimalkinsCrone this baby is with my husband, we all live together with his son, everything was fine we all got on really well and loads of fun and laughs, then she got a boyfriend so didnt see her as much, then 2 weeks ago everything stopped, even when she was off all fay with him she would come home during the day to cook as he doesnt eat what we do so she used to cook for the 2 of them and then come home at night, id take her to and from college most days, take her anywhere she wanted to go now nothing. I not fully sure why she didn't tell me she just said u would threaten her that it would be worse of she did. I really wish id have known, i would be locked up for murder now but it would be worth it. @BelleSausage
No this is my first baby since her, i never wanted to have more when she was younger she was my world everything i had went i to her. She has 4 siblings on her dads side

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LucyDev18 Sat 16-Nov-19 10:34:07

@JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth i just feel so lost without her she has been all I've known and everything to me since i was 16 i gave all of me to beinging her up because everyone told me not to have her including the now amazing df. I just don't know why now its suddenly nothing

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LucyDev18 Sat 16-Nov-19 10:38:33

@ILiveInSalemsLot i have tols her all this yesterday, and many times before, i just really hope she sees df for how he is before he hirts her agaon as he has done so many times. @lunar1 i was with him 10 years but she said he was fine for the first few years then got grumpy and nasty.

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LucyDev18 Sat 16-Nov-19 10:43:30

@EsmeeMerlin i am so sorry to hear what happened to you and your sister. I knew he was bad to me but she was always so happy and they always seemed to get on. I really wish she had have told me i would have believed her and dealt with it straight away, i would probably be locked up for what would have happened to him but it would be worth it for her. Can i ask do you get on ok with your mum after everything? I just feel so lost shes been my whole life and now i dont see her

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