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Do you call them on selfish behaviour.

(22 Posts)
Starlight456 Fri 15-Nov-19 20:33:18

I have read many times about teens turning into self absorbed almost toddler behaviour .

I am seeing this behaviour in my Ds .

Do you call your teens out on this behaviour . I do get the idea part of it is finding their independence .

I have so far come down in this behaviour but just wondering how people have approached it and how effective it is

OP’s posts: |
Cuddling57 Fri 15-Nov-19 20:45:46

Oh yes they definitely turn back into toddlers!
Yes call them out on it - it doesn't have to be really negative, more of a matter of fact way.
My mum was too nice to me - I just wanted someone to argue with sometimes blush!

Ohyesiam Fri 15-Nov-19 20:46:00

For me they key is Choose Your Battles.
Dd ( 15) does the whole treat the place like a hotel, spread nasty vibes, and be really rude and disrespectful. ( in the days she’s not being sweet kind hard working and a joy to be around)
I put up with a
certain amount of rudeness, because I can see that her changing identity is tough , but when it gets too much I pull her up on it.
Its important not to be getting at her all the time, and I’ve want to keep communication open.
She’s a good kid in many ways, and when I look at what some of her class mates are up to I know I Have much to be grateful for, so I don’t correct her on everything.
At times I really struggle not to be sarcastic though.

EvaHarknessRose Fri 15-Nov-19 21:09:55

No, they feel guiltier if they realise it themselves (family trait)

Starlight456 Fri 15-Nov-19 21:17:45

@Cuddling57 that made me laugh out loud. My Ds does this sometimes . He says black is white if I agree I am unreasonable 🙄

OP’s posts: |
Bigbus Fri 15-Nov-19 23:35:55

I really struggle with this. I worry that if I don't call DD1 out on her rude/selfish/completely un-empathetic behaviour then I am somehow condoning it. But then sometimes I think I should lead by example and just remain calm and kind. Then other times I think she'll lose respect for me if I let her basically verbally abuse me. Then sometimes I think she's like this because it's really hard being 13. Honestly it's exhausting being in my head sometimes!

What I can say is that I always feel worse when I get cross so in the interest of self-preservation I am trying to stay calm (although that pisses her off big time when she wants a fight!)

Starlight456 Sat 16-Nov-19 07:51:35

Yes I feel I am treading my toes into unknown Territory.

I remember as a teenager feeling very alone, my mum had always been abisuve but spent my whole teenage years saying she hated teenagers . So have no idea what might of helped .

I am a childminder too so have lots of Little ones in house so need to consider how he behaves around them too.

OP’s posts: |
ragged Sat 16-Nov-19 08:01:41

Focus on impacts. Challenge them when they are inconsiderate to others. You can't police their beliefs or attitudes, but what they physically do, how their actions or words affect others, if others feel upset as a result, this is all fair game to point out to them.

bookworm9 Sat 16-Nov-19 08:16:47

Bigbus- totally identify with what you’re saying. I’m caught between ‘calling out’ my DD13 unreasonable behaviour which often leads to more rows (as she will deny things), and turning a blind eye/ letting things go, in the interest of maintaining my sanity and household peace for the rest of the family. But then I worry that she won’t learn how to behave and treat others with respect. I feel it’s a no win situation!
I’m thinking of trying to speak to a family counsellor for some sort of guidance/perspective because as you said- it gets mentally exhausting working out the right way to do things!

Starlight456 Sat 16-Nov-19 08:17:48

Thank you . I do currently tell him he doesn’t have to agree with my opinion .i worry he can be quite a sheep already so encourage him to think things through. But yes it is the entitled attitude I hate .

It is his birthday soon so plan to increase pocket money but expect him to buy more with it .

OP’s posts: |
BertrandRussell Sat 16-Nov-19 08:20:26

My view is that our family is also a community. We live together and try to be as reasonable and considerate as we can. I don’t accept behaviour from my teenage children that I wouldn't accept from a flat mate.

BillywilliamV Sat 16-Nov-19 08:21:57

Read " Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town".

Has absolutely saved my sanity!

Yorkshiremum17 Sat 16-Nov-19 08:33:16

Oh yes, we've had several conversations around "If I said it was black you would say it was white, just to be awkward"😀

Anyway my ds has opinions but if he speaks rudely to me or his dad he gets called out on it. We try to model acceptable behavior, so no shouting or being aggressive, but a healthy debate is ok!

BertrandRussell Sat 16-Nov-19 08:37:50

We’ve always had to work on this because we live very rurally and negotiations about lifts have been part of our lives for a lot of years! There’s always the option to walk- it’s only 25 minutes- but on a cold dark evening......

Auberjean Sat 16-Nov-19 08:41:51

I used to say things like "I'm surprised you think it's acceptable to talk to me like that!.That isn't like you, usually. You might regret it on (x day) when you need my help."

GreenTulips Sat 16-Nov-19 08:42:35

I do call them out, they don’t get punished for it, but I do tell them.

For example if they are rude, I’ll ask them what they feel is are the chances of getting a lift later? Or Oh so you want me to make dinner, but you can’t take the rubbish out? OK.

Let them think about it.

Nextphonewontbesamsung Sat 16-Nov-19 08:45:41

As others have said, just as with toddlers, you need to pick your battles. I try not to nag mine about things like untidy rooms, minor acts of thoughtlessness, going out without coats, getting off the PS4 etc. I also have to respect that sometimes they will feel angry and frustrated and will shout and swear ... as a fully fledged adult I have my fair share of feelings like that too so of course they need to be able to express that.

But when it occasionally comes to wholly unreasonable behaviour that makes the rest of our lives unpleasant - darn right I give them a very straight talking to. My hope is that as I'm not on their case all the time, reacting to every little thing, then they actually will listen when I do have a firm word about something.

Starlight456 Sat 16-Nov-19 10:33:38

I have ordered the book @BillywilliamV

OP’s posts: |
BillywilliamV Sat 16-Nov-19 11:26:14

It is a great book, it basically gives you permission to ignore so much adolescent behaviour because they can’t help it and will grow out of it anyway.

MurrayTheMonk Wed 04-Dec-19 15:29:17

I have also ordered that book off the back of this thread. Mine are very entitled and rude at the moment. I love them but I don't really like them that much just now-which is pretty sad sad

skinnyamericano Wed 04-Dec-19 15:37:22

I’ve just ordered the book too.

I feel as though we’ve completely failed with my oldest DS, and have pretty much no relationship left. Don’t want to make the same mistakes again.

I can’t let anything go - the bedroom, the homework, the PS4, the rudeness... everything is a battle ground. My throat is constantly sore from shouting 🙁

DH is the same - he can’t stand the addiction to screens in particular. Doesn’t make for a happy house.

EntropyRising Wed 04-Dec-19 15:42:21

I feel as though we’ve completely failed with my oldest DS, and have pretty much no relationship left. Don’t want to make the same mistakes again.

flowers . Sorry - teenagers are so hard.

My 17 year old is on the main a good kid but I have to let a lot of stuff go, otherwise I'd be harping on him constantly. I've had to accept that he genuinely does not care about the things that 'logical consequences' are supposed to fix via self-regulation e.g. clean laundry, clean room, etc.

I second the 'this isn't like you' where they're behaving badly (normally it's a lie) and picking battles.

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