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This is a bit messy... but, advice appreciated!

(29 Posts)
Artyfarty11 Tue 12-Nov-19 00:11:06

Hello! Long time reader of posts and first time posting!
Many moons ago I had a boyfriend when I was a teenager. One night, while blind drunk, I was subject to a non consensual activity with another man. 6 months later I find out I am 6 months pregnant. While totally repressing everything that happened, I assumed it was my boyfriends. He was a loser anyway, so I had to go it alone. I now have a very successful career and a fantastic teen! However, I am convinced that her real sperm donor is the person I try to forget. He has done okay, he has a job and a life and we were just kids I guess.

What I’m struggling with is... how on earth do I ask him for a test 14 years later! My teen is really keen on meeting him of course! I appreciate any advice, but saying it out loud feels kind of good actually! I haven’t told anyone!! smile

Icanflyhigh Tue 12-Nov-19 00:13:43

Didn't want to read and not reply....are you saying you're not sure who the father is?

I don't know much about DNA testing. Does your DD know there is a question over paternity?

Justmuddlingalong Tue 12-Nov-19 00:16:52

Would it not be easier to rule out your ex boyfriend first? What's convinced you the other fella's your daughter's DF?

hamstersarse Tue 12-Nov-19 00:16:57

Can you DNA test the boyfriend first? Rule him in /out?

Artyfarty11 Tue 12-Nov-19 00:18:07

Correct! I have only just came to terms with what happened and I naively just ignored the issue for all these years. I am just lost as to how I deal with it, and how to broach the subject to anyone! I have told my DD that the situation is complicated but I will arrange for her to meet him and to give me a little time to get things in order.

Artyfarty11 Tue 12-Nov-19 00:19:54

So my ex boyfriend is a person I would not feel comfortable asking. I made some bad choices as a teen! The hair and eye colours are what have convinced me. Both my ex and I are very dark and my DD is light

Justmuddlingalong Tue 12-Nov-19 00:19:55

I wouldn't promise your DD that you'll arrange contact. It might not be that easy, even after paternity has been proven.

cdtaylornats Tue 12-Nov-19 00:23:52

Who is on the birth certificate - if you registered it with the wrong name you might have difficulty.

Artyfarty11 Tue 12-Nov-19 00:32:16

The birth certificate was left blank as demanded by my father to ensure that no parental rights were given. My ex was an utter douche and all round ‘bad boy’ I’m not fussed on making this a big deal and get money etc. I’ve given her a life (financially) that neither could’ve given anyway. She has just had something missing and is really keen on just meeting him and making her own mind up.

fallfallfall Tue 12-Nov-19 00:36:58

do a swab and send it off to ancestry.com, should either of their family members have also done this you will be able to tell from which tree she comes from.
of course it means taking up a membership and doing some research.

Artyfarty11 Tue 12-Nov-19 00:41:41

That’s a good idea!

VenusTiger Tue 12-Nov-19 00:44:00

Don’t think you should’ve told your DD that you’d sort out a meeting with him OP - he might (might) agree to a dna test or he might not know who you are, or freak out about what happened and not want to speak to you or your DD.
You should’ve contacted him first before talking to your DD about him.
How are you even going to brooch the subject? Will he even remember you?

VenusTiger Tue 12-Nov-19 00:45:32

@fallfallfall can you get other people’s information on ancestry? What about data protection?

ShippingNews Tue 12-Nov-19 00:49:53

Both my ex and I are very dark and my DD is light

This isn't really a good indicator of paternity. There are plenty of people with dark hair / eyes who have children with blonde hair and blue eyes. Genetics isn't just a case of a+b=c.

Artyfarty11 Tue 12-Nov-19 00:50:52

So, I think he knows. He is connected with me on social media and he did ask and agree to the test when she was a baby. However I was very scared of my ex and the repercussions that would have. He had a bad temper and I am not exaggerating this. The fear was very real.
I am confident that he will do the right thing after doing the wrong thing. I am not sure he appreciates just how wrong it was though. I’ve been in therapy and have only just started talking about it and understood what happened. I guess I’m more concerned about my DD thinking I may have loose morals, and that my former friend circle will think I belong on Jeremy Kyle. I’ve worked so so hard to break the stigma of being a teenage parent. I appreciate this is very selfish, but people won’t know what happened and I am not going to tell everyone as I won’t accomplish anything.

ShippingNews Tue 12-Nov-19 00:52:47

VenusTiger

When you send your sample to Ancestry for DNA testing, they ask if you give permission to share your results with other people.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 12-Nov-19 00:57:19

He knows he might be the father and has done for years? You sound convinced it's him. You need to get concrete evidence and stop making promises to your DD. What if it's not him and is your abusive ex boyfriend?

habipprtyh Tue 12-Nov-19 00:59:51

What I’m struggling with is... how on earth do I ask him for a test 14 years later! My teen is really keen on meeting him of course! I appreciate any advice, but saying it out loud feels kind of good actually! I haven’t told anyone!!

You told your 14 year old teenager her dad might not be her dad and that you want to test and she can meet this guy shock

Slow the fuck down. She is 14. She doesn't need to know the ins and outs of anything if you don't know who her dad is. You sort that out first.

I can't believe you would have her excited to meet someone who might not even be her dad sad

MidniteScribbler Tue 12-Nov-19 01:25:36

He has done okay, he has a job and a life and we were just kids I guess.

He's a rapist. Why would you want him in your daughters life?

Caledoniahasmyheartforever Tue 12-Nov-19 01:32:10

Why would you want your 14 yo dd to have contact with the man who raped you? That is what you mean by non consensual? Regardless of the age he was at the time, you were raped and you believe that rape resulted in your dd. I honestly couldn’t bare the thought of my child being in contact with this man. What if he thinks that you have told your dd about what he did? If he discusses this with your dd that could be crushing for any/such a young girl.

Interestedwoman Tue 12-Nov-19 02:01:11

I'm surprised you've told your DD about this and given her ideas to want to meet him etc when you don't even know if he's the dad yet!

Are you impressed by him having a good job or something? :/

And yes, he is a rapist. He mightn't even be safe for your DD to be around- if a man ignores lack of consent on one ground (due to alcohol), he's more likely to ignore it in another way (due to a girl being too young to consent.)

DiabloDi Tue 12-Nov-19 02:08:10

Have you told your DD that her potential father raped you?
If she's 'really keen to meet him' I'm guessing not?

I'd tread very carefully, possibly with the support of a counsellor if you can afford it.

Monty27 Tue 12-Nov-19 02:09:33

Why now
You prefer the rapist or exbf to be the Df?
What does DD prefer?
And you're still not reporting the rapist.
Hmmmmm

ActualFemale Tue 12-Nov-19 02:54:06

There is no way I'd have the man who raped me at 14 anywhere near my own 14 year old.

He may flat refuse to speak to you because if he's got himself a nice life set up now he probably won't want to take the risk of having his friends and family learn he is a rapist.

I think it's something you to need to consider from a variety of angles. If you don't tell your daughter he's a rapist and let her meet him and she finds out afterwards that could damage your relationship with her.

It's not just meeting her father, there's so much more, if her father has gone on to have children and raised them and been involved, she's going to need support navigating that too.

GirlDownUnder Tue 12-Nov-19 02:55:04

I guess I’m more concerned about my DD thinking I may have loose morals, and that my former friend circle will think I belong on Jeremy Kyle.

I am sorry that you were raped as a teen, it sounds like you’ve moved on and healed to some extent, although this statement from you is worrying.

I’m not sure why you’d care what a former friend circle would think, and if you’ve still people like this in your life, you need new friends.

Also, what have you taught your daughter if she would think you’ve ‘loose morals’ for what she thinks is consensual sex?

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