Don't know how to deal with a 13 year old

[Mrsdavidson]

Hi all, i'm hoping for some guidance/advice on how to deal with my dd13, i'm really struggling to cope with the change in her attitude over the last 6-12 months. She is beyond moody (she says she has anger issues), cheeky, disrespectful, lazy, ungrateful, argumentative and just not a nice person to be around i'd say about 95% of the time. I do try and stay calm and deal with her moods in such a way that doesn't disrupt the whole house (i have a ds10) but other times i lose it, then feel really guilty. She has gone from being a sensitive, caring, generally lovely girl to this horror who never wants to spend time with us in the house, and god forbid we try and get her to go out of the house with us to do something as a family (even a walk turns into a stressful situation as she whinges and moans and groans the whole time).She wants freedom to do what she wants, when she wants, and when we try and parent her appropriately according to her age (set time limits for coming home etc) she accuses us of being really strict and says none of her friends' parents are as strict as us. I just don't know what to do, or how to deal with her outbursts - do you ground them, take their phones of them, try and reason with them (this doesn't seem to work with her at the moment), or any other suggestions as to how to get through this. The thought of this going on for another 3,4,5,6 years is driving me mad!

Thank you!

[Runbikeswim]

Sounds familiar in some areas. No advice but hope someone else comes along

[Choufleur]

Ds is 13. He leaves his room to eat, go to cadets (which he loves), to judo (sometimes willingly other times begrudgingly cos some of it counts towards volunteering for d of e), and to go to school (and for some other things really).

Honestly walks are boring. What does your dd like doing? Will she do something she enjoys with you?

[Daddylonglegs1965]

I have a 14 year old DD who used to be lovely and really loving and caring. Now she is lazy, has bad attitude, moody, nasty (mainly directed at me), disrespectful, shouts a lot etc etc.
Her periods all over the place and extremely frequent (every couple of weeks rather than months) which I have took her to the GP about.
You have my sympathies op I alternate between trying to keep communication channels open and showing an interest in her by asking open questions, cutting her some slack and letting some of her attitude go, loving her more and expressing/vocalising it, loosing it myself and getting tough with her. Nothing really works to be fair. But she will happily come out with us as her options for seeing any friends seem limited.
But on holiday in the summer she was particularly bad so one night I took her phone off her, locked it in the safe and explained to her that she couldn’t have it back unless she bucked her ideas up, she went beserk at first but when she knew I wouldn’t back down and she had no distractions her attitude improved over the day. I haven’t done this since but I am thinking about it. Good luck.
PS I am also menopausal so with my emotions and hers it’s awful.

[MonnaLIza]

My parents will probably tell you I was that girl. I had periods so painful I would faint and in general wasn't very happy at home. Probably I did not work as hard at school as I should have. I believe now I was in the middle of a hormonal tempest as well as becoming my own person and i was really scared.

My parents chose the 'hard as a ton of bricks' Victorian way, punishments, not going out of the house etc. (punishments for school of course, not for having periods). There was no room for compromise and this really ruined our relationship for a long time.

Karma wanted that then I had a difficult teenager!

But I remembered being there and fortunately my experience helped us: we had mediation and created a safe space where I, my DH and my other DS could express our feelings but also where my other (raging) DS was able to express his. So we could compromise and reach agreements.

Do not think I am Mrs Perfect, there has been shouting, and incidents and moments where we have all behaved terribly. But we have kept talking and working towards a solution.

And this would be my suggestion, find a safe space to talk and keep the communication open so you can find what your 'hard lines' are and what are your DD's and then find compromise and agreement. Keep talking and remember it's the same girl, just in the middle of big, scary changes.

Good luck. It's hard!

[BackInTime]

All I can say is hang in there OP it will pass. Things that I found helpful was firstly not taking the behaviour personally and secondly acknowledging that they are going through a hugely difficult transition from child to teenager and trying to understand that a bit more. I likened this phase to terrible twos on hormones and I tired to use some of the strategies from back then - praise the good, ignore the bad where possible, try to distract and diffuse situations with laughter or a maybe a hug. Not always successful but I was conscious of our relationship becoming very negative and I thought wanted to change this. A book I found helpful was 'Untangled' by Lisa Damour.

[Racmactac]

Have no idea to be honest. I'm in the middle of this with ds14. I despair. I want my kind sweet funny little boy back.

[egontoste]

Actually I'd go out of my way to remove as many boundaries and give her as much leeway as possible. Let her know that she can always come to you with problems and you will help, no matter what they are and that no, she can't stay out till midnight on a school night etc. But the rest, you seriously need to let go.

Tell her that you know she is growing up and isn't a child any more, so you aren't going to treat her like one any more either. Explain that she doesn't need you nagging her to do homework or to brush her teeth or to put dirty clothes in the laundry basket, does she? Say that her room is her room and you will respect her privacy. Say that you have decided that instead of you buying things for her, she can buy all her own clothes and toiletries etc, and you will give her a budget.
Tell her that she now has more freedom, but that with freedom comes responsibility.
AND THEN STEP AWAY FROM THE TEENAGER.

Let her forget her homework.
Let her leave all her clothes on her bedroom floor.
Ignore every argumentative snappy remark.
Allow her to waste all her money on fripperies and then find she hasn't got enough left for something she really needs.
Communicate by text and impart facts only. If it's dinner time and she's in her room, text her saying 'Dinner is ready'.

Imagine that you are at work and she is a really annoying customer. Be polite and helpful at all times. Don't bite back.

Good luck

[RedHotMummy]

I have several teenage / tweenage daughters and I agree with so much of what is said. My tuppence of suggestions would be:

1. Pick your battles - decide what are the key things for you (Curfews? Screen time? Homework? Church?) and then talk to her - explain to her that you’ll lighten up on the other areas if she respects your wishes in this area.
   

1. Of course try not to lose your cool. But don’t beat yourself up if you do lose the plot - we all do and teenagers test the patience of a saint. If you say or do something inappropriate, apologise - that way she’ll see that it’s ok to mess up and apologise - and she gets to be the one giving the forgiveness!!
   

1. Holidays - we sometimes let our children book our holidays. We given them the budget and dates and then it’s up to them. They love it and it get really engaged in the whole thing so we aren’t dragging them around.
   

1. Write down the worse teenage episodes - that way, when she is older, you can tease her (I have a post-teenage daughter and love reminding her of her teenage strops!).
   

1. Breathe - it will end and your lovely daughter will come back - I promise!

[Dee1980]

Ditto! I actually burst into tears today because I just think God lately I don’t like my child! I know it sounds horrible to say and I love him so much but I don’t like what he presents like atm. Attitude all the time, one word answers to everything, talks like he always angry about something, doesn’t want to talk, sarcasm and back chat!! Today he announced from New year he will no longer be eating pork because it’s ‘haram’ I had no idea what he was talking about and when I asked he just kept repeating it haram which started to wind me up!! And I’m sure he could see I was getting frustrated so decided to just be obstinate! I spoke to a friend who explained what haram meant and I also googled it and I’m just worried where this has suddenly come from and if he been brainwashed by someone as we’re not Muslim and it’s an Islamic word so after football practice I broached the subject again because my son loves ribs, ham, bacon etc so I’m very taken back by this and tried to talk to him about it to try get insight of why he suddenly decided this but it just turned into a battle and him getting annoyed and start giving me one word answers like because I want to and in the end I gave up because I could feel myself getting upset.

Tbh it’s not really about the not eating pork it’s the feeling like I don’t know my son anymore and how much he changed from the sweet loving funny boy to this moody, non communicative, attitude teenager and I don’t know how to handle it!!