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Night time curfew

(74 Posts)
EloDeeDee Sat 19-Oct-19 14:18:52

Hi I'm looking for other people's opinions really on something that happened last night. We live in a large town where teenagers have a bad reputation with some of the locals for causing trouble (throwing eggs being loud and hanging out in large groups mainly). Now I'm the mother of a 15 year old daughter who has a curfew of 8.30pm but last night she asked to stay at a friend's house but said they were staying in. Her friends mother is aware of my daughters curfew. At about 9pm we tried to check on her to make sure she was where she should be and was she was OK. We couldn't get hold of her so I messaged her friends mother who said she was in the shower. Finally got hold of my daughter and cutting out all the little details of how we caught her out, it turned out she was lying and the friends mother had allowed her to stay out till 10pm. My husband collected our daughter and banned her from staying there again. I'm most angry about the friends mother lying to me apparently it's happened numerous times before. Just wanted thought and options on this really.

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BillHadersNewWife Sat 19-Oct-19 14:27:05

I have a 15 year old DD too and I think you're being too strict. All my DDs friend are allowed out later than that. Around 10.30pm on weekends is normal and later for special occasions.

They go to one another's houses. If you come down so strict on her then she will lie.

BillHadersNewWife Sat 19-Oct-19 14:28:12

And just because there is trouble with SOME teens, does not mean you should keep her in and in some sort of fake "safe" life.

You're meant to arm your children with morals and skills so they can deal with life and make sensible choices. Making her come home at 8.30 is full-on.

EloDeeDee Sat 19-Oct-19 14:30:16

I completely expect teenagers to lie its when the mothers lie for them that I have the issue. Personally and it is only my opinion but I don't think it's safe for my daughter to be out any later. She's allowed at later in the summer but not in the dark months

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DramaAlpaca Sat 19-Oct-19 14:31:05

I also think you are being too strict & agree with the pp that 10.30pm at weekends is more reasonable. At that age you need to gradually start giving them more freedom.

BillHadersNewWife Sat 19-Oct-19 14:31:13

You really shouldn't expect teenagers to lie. What exactly is she doing? Is she hanging around the streets? Outdoors?

EloDeeDee Sat 19-Oct-19 14:40:47

That is what the teenagers do and the people she hangs around with there is nothing else to do in our town. Ifshe was going to friends we'd happily take her and pick her up at a much later time. There are numerous pubs in our town and some rather un savoury characters once it gets dark. She does have moral and she is a very well behaved child for most of the time but as her mother it is my job to keep her safe. You know it is possible to give opinions without being so aggressive and full on.

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Sagradafamiliar Sat 19-Oct-19 14:47:17

The mother was completely out of line. Anyone can have opinions but over-ruling your parenting decisions and lying is wrong. I'd have banned your daughter from staying there again as well.

Sparklingbrook Sat 19-Oct-19 14:50:11

At about 9pm we tried to check on her to make sure she was where she should be

Sounds a bit OTT.

EloDeeDee Sat 19-Oct-19 15:00:28

Obviously some people think it's OK for 15 year old girls to hang out on the streets till 10pm and later quick, someone ring the parent please because I don't think that's OK for my daughter. Nevermind the fact that another parent lied about the whereabouts of MY child.

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BillHadersNewWife Sat 19-Oct-19 15:02:52

The problem is the fact that she's out on the streets then...I think if I were you OP, I would make my home a place for her and her friends to hang out in.

You will win in two ways...one you will know where she is, two you will have no fear of her lying.

She will be safe and happy.

Hellohah Sat 19-Oct-19 15:04:39

I agree the other parent was wrong.
I think everyone understands that you want to keep your daughter safe, but you also need to allow her to learn to keep herself too. And people are saying is your perhaps keeping her on too tight a leash to do that.
She is 15, she can leave home at 16!

EloDeeDee Sat 19-Oct-19 15:05:10

Her friends are always welcome at our house she's had 2 or 3 friends stay over on countless occasions we are not strict we are easy going just don't think the streets are a safe place to be after dark.

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Hellohah Sat 19-Oct-19 15:05:17

You're*

KatherineJaneway Sat 19-Oct-19 15:07:18

8:30pm is way too early for a 15 year old.

EloDeeDee Sat 19-Oct-19 15:11:05

By keeping her on the straight and narrow and letting her know we love and care about her and what she's doing I can assure you she won't be wanting to leave home at 16. As I said we are not strict parents we just don't want her on the unsafe streets to lateat night.

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BubblesBuddy Sat 19-Oct-19 15:12:06

What happens on your streets? Are there murders, rapes or grooming gangs at large? My DC came home from Brownies at 8.30 so it’s very early for a 15 year old. Why wouldn’t she be safe? Or is it you don’t trust her because she’s not streetwise?

BubblesBuddy Sat 19-Oct-19 15:14:27

Straightjacketed and narrow minded never works for teens in my view. She probably wouldn’t dare leave home. How will you prepare her for university? Or will she just stay with you forever?

Sagradafamiliar Sat 19-Oct-19 15:14:45

This thread makes me realise how rough our area is. I'd shit myself if it got past 8 and I couldn't get hold of DS. I can only rest easy once he's back under this roof.

EloDeeDee Sat 19-Oct-19 15:14:58

Was your child hanging out on the streets while at brownies in large gangs???

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multiplemum3 Sat 19-Oct-19 15:14:59

How embarrassing for your daughter that she has to be in at half eight.

BillHadersNewWife Sat 19-Oct-19 15:16:44

OP, with all due respect. If your DD is hanging out with "large gangs" then your problem is with her. Not someone else's Mother.

JeffreyJefferson Sat 19-Oct-19 15:17:23

Friends mum shouldn’t have said she was in the shower and 8.30 is WAY TOO EARLY. YES it’s dark early now but give her some freedom

ploofyorangebats Sat 19-Oct-19 15:19:06

8.30 isn't 'late at night'.

You're clearly angry at the other parent, understandable. Lying isn't acceptable.

I've found that if you have a trustworthy enough teen then allow them some freedom. By loosening the leash a bit but placing boundaries such as set an alarm on your phone at 9pm/9.30 to let me know where you are and you're safe then they, in turn, offer up more respect to you by not feeling like they have to lie.

She will be 18 in 3 years, in this period your dd will need to be given far more freedom otherwise she really will resent you and the lies will be come bigger and bigger and you'll be shut out of her life.

You've come to ask for advice. People are giving that but you're displacing your anger at your dd and the other parent onto posters here who are offering up some practical options, usually from experience.

EloDeeDee Sat 19-Oct-19 15:19:29

I can assure you there are plenty of 15 year olds in our area that don't go out at all after dark. There is crime and there has been knife incidents she's not locked up or straight jacket she's given plenty of freedom especially for a child in her last year at school. In my opinion and speaking from experience you give them too much freedom and they can quite easily go the wrong way. I was a teenager and I'm not stupid.

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