13 year old son.....I am living in hell

[Lisaj1970]

That letter to a parent from a teenager written by Bagpuss on another page has just made me sob. I am sitting at my computer sobbing writing this.

I am a single Mum to two boys. My oldest is 18 and bar a few sulky years (that I could nearly always jolly him out of) we have survived. My youngest at 13 is causing me so much stress I actually don't know where to start. I feel like I am drowning right now. I am currently hiding in my sisters flat so that I don't have to go back alone (my step Dad is coming with me) after taking the wifi box and cancelling his mobile with the phone company. His list of behavioural issues is so long. He is on threat of expulsion from school currently, I have little support from his Dad who just tells me I am not strict enough, and I may not be but I am completely totally and utterly exhausted. He has been a difficult child since a toddler, is very bright and also very big (he is 5'10 and I am 5'2)

Sorry I am waffling and don't really know what I am looking for from this. I am just so tired of every single day having a big fight. It is every day. I can't break the cycle. I try leaving him to it and he will literally spend a whole weekend in his bedroom on his devices. I try taking things off him and he kicks back with such force its unbearable. My oldest is desperate to leave home because of him and it is breaking my heart as we have brilliant relationship, but I don't want him to parent his brother.

I simply cannot win in any direction

[paisley256]

Sorry to hear things are so stressful for you. I have 3 boys who all love their screens more than anything else. Left to it they'd be up there constantly and the rows that occur when I kick them off are awful.

I hope between you and your step dad you can go back and sort something out. His dad should be helping you more too. I know I'm not offering much advice but I really feel for you. Be kind to yourself and I hope you can get through this.

[krustykittens]

Could he live with his Dad for a bit, or his Dad totally hands off? It sounds awful, OP, I am sorry you are going through this.

[beholder]

i wish we could hug each other. i am also a single mother. 16 yo girl and two 14yo twin boys. i just wrote this. i am so miserable and feel guilty that maybe i brought their terrible disrespect and violence on myself.


i am in the depths of despair. i am the solo mather of 3 teenagers, a girl and twins, and they all hate each other and me. they have no respect for themselves, each other or me. i have been hit, pushed, spat at, insulted, ignored. i was a terrible mother, i guess, but i always loved them. but i was Alone, no family, no help, losing all my material safety. my stress broke out on them and i remember screaming and throwing things. and also loving a lot. it's too late. one has gone to live with his father after repeatedly hitting me. the other just hates me. the last twin never leaves his room except to insult me. my house is filthy and no-one cares but me. i love life but dont see much hope of ever getting over the fact that i am a disaster and ruined 3 beautiful children i was lucky enough to have. i have said that i hate them and that they destroyed my life, and thats also true. i wish i had the courage to just die

[beholder]

you sounded just like me, trying to cut off phone and wifi, wanting to hide, asking for help. one of them has gone to his father after a year of pleading, because he was physically hurting me and threatening, although he was always wonderful. they all say i am to blame, and rationally i know how hard it was to cope alone with 3 while father enjoyed life and prospered. they were 6mo when he left, but i was always alone even when he was there. my family also did not help. i would have done things differently now, bit at the time i was so stressed and desperate. they were beautiful and i loved them desperately but i was very stressed all the time. they are just horrible now and the blame and heartbreak is deepening my misery. in bed all the time but must work. will be alone forever, will live with this shame amd guilt forever :((

[OhioOhioOhio]

I am so sorry. This sounds just awful.

[beholder]

please feel hugged by me. i truly understand. no way out: or the child is just a terrible person we will have to lose so as to survive; or we are a terrible mother and will continue living in hell, losing him anyway. he is lost to me either way, my beautiful darling son. my daughter has just left and not said where to, for the first time. the 3 got into a physical fight today and all i could do was cry. insulted and ridiculed and feeling like a load of absolute crap.

[Lisaj1970]

I have considered this but his Dad isn’t reliable, consistent or even here a lot of the time. He is abroad until mid December currently. He is calmer tonight thank goodness and with the electronics off I hope to get him to sleep earlier which should help. He is such a gorgeous kind hearted boy at his core. It feels like there is an alien in him at the moment it really does.

Getting an early night too so that I can cope better!!!

[june2007]

Whilst he is a rationals mood can you talk about his behaviour and expectations, how he feels he is coping how he feals you can help him. And you explain in a calm way what your concearned about? (or is that too idealistic.)

[Lisaj1970]

Beholder your situation sounds awful. I looked up a couple of charities to help and one was young minds. I am going to call them on Monday and maybe you should too. They might be able to suggest somewhere for you to have some family therapy.....just a thought. Want to give you a hug too xxx

[Lisaj1970]

Hi June. I have tried so much with him. I am naturally a very calm, logical and open person. I like to rationalise and discuss. It just seems to be beyond him at the moment. If I say something is black he will rage at me until he has convinced himself it is white. I am going to try and get some help. It’s simply beyond my capabilities. I don’t know if I am doing him more harm than good half the time!

[beholder]

i dont live in the uk. yes, i will seek help again as i have done many times. but it just doesnt work. i am exhausted. just wish i could forgive myself, but cant. thank you i am sooo miserable

[MrsBlondie]

@Lisaj1970 what does he do? Is is rages?
I hsve a 13 year old son too so I understand as we too have had rages.
Can I ask what does it matter if he spends weekends in his room though? Sometimes we have to let the little things go.
DS here would spend all time in xbox but we ask that he does go out with friends and he does.
Good luck. Its not easy.

[Wizzbangpop]

Could you get your car elder ds to chat to him? Is your eldest aware of his behaviour? He might find he opens up to someone who in his eyes is more relatable ie nearer in age just been through the same stage of life.

[JARA123]

Hi everyone
I am a mother of 5 kids
3 girls
2 boys
To keep a long story short
Start giving yourselves respect
Everyone will change towards you, even the men
Start loving your kids unconditionally
Let them know their pain is your pain
Their sadness is your sadness
And you are on this earth to help guide love and protect them
NEVER YELL
NEVER SWEAR They put up a barrier instantly and nothing enters their brain after that
In their minds they haven't done anything wrong
We assume they were born knowing everything
But
Their is actually soooo much to teach them about love and respect
Give it to them and one day (when they finally understood) you shall receive it
Let them know you have a heart with feelings, and these emotions are most affected by the ones you love the most , your kids, say this to them also
Even though you don't want to you HAVE TO constantly tell them you LOVE them
Believe it or not
That's what they are looking for
You realise when they are older and you sit and talk about the bad times and then it all comes out
They blame you for not loving
Not supporting
Not stopping them from bad paths
It's a very difficult and bizzare time
I hope you all find success in raising your kids
But NEVER EVER say you weren't a good parent EVER
You were the very best
And only YOU could raise your own kids
And just because your struggling like every other parent I know, doesn't mean you've done something wrong
Each one of us are learning every day
But whatever happens YOU are number 1
When you are mentally healthy and happy everything will work out
Give yourself every bit of LOVE and RESPECT and they will see and slowly change
Think about it they would never behave this way in front of certain other people because they have respect and are embarrassed of them
So we need to find the reason why they are afraid or shy of these people it's because they know they can't get away with it as they can with us
It's such a difficult task being a mother and trying to find the balance between loving them and being strict in the right places at the right time
God there's so much more to say but I have a migraine
All I can say is it's hard but that's because we are constantly trying to protect them and guide them towards success and happiness
Once they understand that
Things will change
I feel fo all of you and I wish you sooo much love and hugs
Hope it works out
Don't forget, you have come this far and when you hit bottom there's only one way to go and that's UP
I promise you one day this will be history
Xxxxxxxx

[beholder]

thank you thank you thank you JARA123

[KellyHall]

JARA123 - I have just taken screenshots of your whole post. I know I'll need to re-read it a lot as my dd (currently 2.5) grows up!

[beholder]

KellyHall I did the same thing! feeling better today. rested without my son. sad but calm. we have to trust life more. being a mother is the hardest thing on earth if you take it seriously! kisses to everyone from brazil