Sick of seeing DD (17) upset over boyfriend!😡

[Lanny81]

I really don't know where to start here because so much has happened in 5 months. I will try and keep it short but bear with me..
Ok so back in April my DD met a guy, lots of messaging at first then started meeting up. Within a month they were official.
We were really happy for her because compared to some of her friends, shes not really had a serious relationship before so it was nice to see her so happy, like on cloud 9 happy.
She fell for him because hes a really grounded lad, doesn't take drugs, works hard etc.
Within about a month he randomly text her one morning (I HATE BREAKUPS BY TEXT) saying she was a lovely lass but didn't want a relationship. She woke up to that text too so obviously she was heartbroken cos it was completely unexpected!! So im trying to console her while trying to get my other 2 kids ready for school.
Within a couple days he was asking for her back as he had made a mistake. I told her it was her decision but to be careful as it could happen again...
They were good for a while but then he would avoid meeting her, making excuses and yep you guessed it, he ended it again. This time she kinda expected it but it never made it any easier. 2 days later he wanted her back. Whats made it worse is the fact she has lost her virginity to this lad. So then she starts thinking has he just been using me etc?
All in all hes ended it with her about 5 times in 5 months (yep, I wouldnt have gone back after the first time either!)
After the 4th time of him ending it I had taken her to collect her stuff from his house and he came out to the car to ask my permission to speak to her for a while to try sort it out. Bearing in mind I HAD NEVER MET HIM and ill be honest I wanted to punch his face in for upsetting her all the time. I saw red and laid into him (verbally) calling him out on his shitty behaviour and complete lack of respect and I threatened to pull his f*ing balls off.
When it all came out, he had been messaging other girls (maybe about 6 other girls at different times but all around the times he broke things of with my DD)asking them to go to his house while his parents were away (my DD was meant to be staying with him but he conveniently ended it with her again), flirting with other girls in front of DD blatantly, pulling DD down saying stuff like her bum was flat (shes like a size 6-8)but was getting bigger which was good but then he noticed cellulite on her hips and told her to exercise. Won't like pictures she puts on social media because he doesnt like the trousers shes wearing (made me laugh that did, what a pratt)
She started wanting her lips filling, because he oogles girls who have bigger lips than her etc but I managed to convince her not to go there.
Hes been to our house ONCE...all the rest of the times, she has to go to his. He can drive but won't buy a car, he gambles which was a secret until one his mates grassed him up to my DD.
He makes plans and cancels with daft excuses, he says hes working late but gets home at 4pm but according to him its still too late for DD to go to his house as she doesn't finish work til 5.
Since the last breakup things had been going well (ish) but its started again...not texting as much, being really blunt, hes also only seen her 3 times in 3 weeks. Hes been making plans and cancelling, going to pub with his mates then ringing her at like 10pm asking her to go to his house (late night booty call??) but ive refused to take her.
Her Dad never gets involved as its me she comes to for advice but her Dads been talkimg to her alot lately, said she needs to end it and Im 100% agreeing with him on that. In her head she knows she should but everytime he clicks his fingers she goes running. Everything is on his terms and its not right at all.
I know shes having serious doubts because shes been saying she wishes he was more like so and so etc. Now if he was perfect for her she wouldnt be saying that would she?
Shes lost her sparkle, and I dont like it. Her carefree youthfullness has gone out the window. Shes always been sensible but has stopped going out etc. Just comes in from work and straight up in her room all night apart from coming down for her tea. One time they broke up, she was that upset she wasnt eating well at all. He ends it, but as soon as another guy mentions her name or reacts to something she shares on social media, hes messaging her wanting her back.This is not a proper relationship at all. Its very one sided. He brought out the best in her at first but not now. Shes going away in 2 weeks with her bestie and family to Majorca so Im hoping it will do her good. Her friends are worried (im in touch with her bestie who tells me stuff she doesnt). Everytime I try to speak to her about it she changes the subject. And she seems to defend his shitty behaviour even though she knows its wrong.
Can I have peoples thoughts and opinions on this please as its causing arguments at home and I want my happy carefree girl back 😢

[Makesmilingyourbesthobby]

Don’t really understand what you want opinions on him they relationship? If so yes I think he’s a very selfish person and is sounds very much like he’s using her opinions on what you should do? If so nothing be there to advise and support dd (I would encourage time out with friends or joining something new as much as I could) but you got to let her realise all this herself or she will never learn and may even resent telling you about her bf and keep things from you in future, and what should dd do? If so, my advise get out with friends go new places try new things there’s far more in this world for her than a boy

[Lanny81]

She does realise this but is finding it hard to let go. I don't get involved usually but its been playing havoc with her mental health and thats whats most concerning. She talks to me about anything and everything and of course Ill be there to support her but shes started clammimg up which is absolutely no good. He lives 2 bus rides away and buses are crap so Ive been refusing to take her. Its all I can do at the moment x

[Makesmilingyourbesthobby]

I understand what your saying and all your concerns and it's hard as a mother if you can see your child making decisions that effect her badly but they her decisions and as parents we just have to support them I currently have a dd who is questioning her sexuality (not that I'm saying this is a bad choice) and I have no idea what I'm doing just filling myself with as much knowledge on support as I can and winging it, if corse id prefer her to be at least 18 before being here but she is 11 and here I am just supporting her with her thoughts and feelings on it all, I agree with all your concerns as have sisters who went through this type of relationship when they was younger and it's horrible to see them make the same mistake time and time again and see what it does to them mentally and emotionally but I really think it's about using tactics here distract and show her there's more fun and happiness else where and support her whatever she does rather than go the route of not supporting what she decides

[Namechange8471]

Right, he's a dick.

But you need to work on helping dd with her self esteem rather than ripping him apart.

Take her out just the two of you, and remind her how young she is and all the opportunities that await her.

[Lanny81]

I agree hes a dick.
Hes not a bad lad, certainly a world apart from his other mates who all seem to take drugs and bum about all day but I really don't think hes ready for a relationship.
I don't rip him apart in front of my DD (although I did when I had a go at him that day) but I tell her that theres someone out there better suited to her who will give her the type of relationship she wants (communication, consistency and effort being the main traits shes wanting which he cannot or will not give her) and that she should concentrate on her job and being young and going on holidays with the girls etc.
I do offer to go out with her shopping etc but she won't which is not like her at all. Shes moody and hard to talk to.
Shes paranoid about her body...shes too thin then shes too fat, she wants bigger lips, all of these insecurities he has openly admitted to causing because of him making her feel inadequate due to him messaging/flirting with other girls