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I think my dd is transgender

(22 Posts)
Spooksandchocolatecake Mon 05-Aug-19 20:35:20

My dd is 15 in November and to put it bluntly has a lot of issues (ASD,Anorexia,Anxiety etc to name the most prominent and isn't in school currently).She has always been a tomboy to the extreme,doesn't own anything remotely girly ,has always found boys easier to communicate with than girls,and used to say she was a boy and asked when we'd take her back to the hospital to change her name.

She's just cut all her hair off and 2 years ago brought a binder because she 'hated herself but wouldn't go into anymore detail.I checked her phone (which she doesn't know about) and she'd written in notes I need to tell them before it's to late...

What should I do?

In the past I've asked up front and she just clamped up.

OP’s posts: |
Singleandproud Mon 05-Aug-19 20:59:20

No advice but it is fairly common with girls with ASD to feel this way because they are often very black and white thinkers. “I like X, Y and Z like the boys so I must be a boy.” Also many girls with ASD that I have worked with struggle with the emotional and physical changes of puberty, particularly periods think that if the change gender then they wont have to deal with these things any longer.

There are at least 6 girls in my school that have decided they are trans who have similar issue to your DD. Whilst on a personal viewpoint I don’t like the whole trans movement (male bodied people in women’s spaces etc etc) I cannot deny that these girls are now much, much happier and the other students really accept them.

I guess as a parent you support her with reversible changes as much as possible but I would try and avoid any permanent ones. If she hates dealing with periods then look in to contraceptives that can stop them. If she wants to cut her hair and be known by a different name that is not the end of the world but perhaps try and choose a unisex name. Maybe look into some women that work in male dominated environments and show her that just because you have more ‘masculine’ interests it doesnt stop you from being female.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Mon 05-Aug-19 21:03:38

There are at least 6 girls in my school that have decided they are trans who have similar issue to your DD. Whilst on a personal viewpoint I don’t like the whole trans movement (male bodied people in women’s spaces etc etc) I cannot deny that these girls are now much, much happier and the other students really accept them.

That's such a sad indictment of how gendered our society has become. Girls have to be girly or they aren't really girls. Dreadful.

Good luck, OP. It must be very hard.

littlecabbage Mon 05-Aug-19 21:07:10

* I cannot deny that these girls are now much, much happier and the other students really accept them.*

I think this is at least partly because social media really glamourises transgenderism and so schoolkids who claim to be transgender are seen as cool, and become more popular. I think the increased happiness is temporary.

My advice is to go to the Transgender Trend website to educate yourself on the actual scientific evidence behind transgenderism, and do not let your daughter start puberty blockers. They are NOT benign, despite claims to the contrary. Watch videos of "detransitioners" on YouTube.

Spooksandchocolatecake Mon 05-Aug-19 21:13:01

She doesn't have any social media or internet btw so it's unlikely to be that.

OP’s posts: |
ourkidmolly Mon 05-Aug-19 21:14:50

I would bet my bottom dollar that your dd does have access to the internet.

Spooksandchocolatecake Mon 05-Aug-19 21:23:12

@ourkidmolly I doubt it tbh she won't leave the house and we got rid of our WiFi when she stopped going to school. Me and DH have got unlimited data and is very reluctant to use mine for even school work

OP’s posts: |
ourkidmolly Mon 05-Aug-19 21:28:33

So how did she buy a binder? How's she accessing information about transgenderism? It's not something you can do in a vacuum.

Spooksandchocolatecake Mon 05-Aug-19 21:42:00

I brought it for her she was suicidal depressed and in a complete mess mentally and physically. I did the research weighed out the pros and cons and brought her a size up from a trusted big brand

OP’s posts: |
Spooksandchocolatecake Mon 05-Aug-19 21:42:49

Also if you want to know more about the school refusal look up my username

OP’s posts: |
Ornery Mon 05-Aug-19 21:49:28

You bought your dd a binder?
Will you be sterilizing her and chopping off her breasts next? Advising her to have her arm flesh stripped to surgically create a fake penis that she can attach a pump to, to pretend to have an erection?
I’d say you are encouraging your dd down the transgender path. It wouldn’t be my choice. And it may not be hers, but as she is already vulnerable due to her sn I’m sure the rigid fender stereotyping is quite easy to absorb.
I would be demonstrating that gender is a pile of bollocks, girls can look and act however they want, and that it’s impossible to change sex.
If she had anorexia, would you be buying her diet pills?

Spooksandchocolatecake Mon 05-Aug-19 21:58:25

@Ornery what would you have done?Her mental health issues are serious .She was suicidal not eating not talking not speaking honest to god tell me what I should have done???

OP’s posts: |
Ornery Mon 05-Aug-19 22:57:14

It’s an awful position to be in. But once you have started down the path it’s almost impossible to backtrack - particularly with a child with ASD.
My own experience is slightly different (my almost 16yo has a physical disability and anxiety disorder/ OCD - so the same issues with feeling very different to other girls, and exacerbating/ performing that difference by utilizing dress etc considered the antithesis - ie masculine). We are currently supporting her by ensuring she has plenty of access to female role models of all types. When she has specific phobic reactions (ie periods) we make it as matter of fact as possible and get in with it. It took around 8 months for her to accept that periods were just a thing, rather than the end of days. After three years, she will now wear a bra if she needs to. Most days she uses the gap bralet/ crop top things. She is now engaged with an adaptive sport where her biology is a fact.
A vulnerable teen we provided residential care for went through fairly extensive suicidal ideation. We used a local walk in mental health clinic when she needed immediate help, and set her up with a good psych.
In both cases, it isn’t fair to pretend to a child or teen that reality can be circumvented. That isn’t going to fix a mental health issue. It isn’t fair to a child or teen with an to tell them that changing sex is possible.
My dd is also internet phobic btw.

Arewedone Tue 06-Aug-19 02:41:42

A close friends Dd went through this and has now fully transitioned. Began at 14/15, started hormone therapy at 18. Has now graduated Uni as a male. Similarly my own Dds classmate is 16, has taken a gender neutral name, dresses masculine and will begin hormone therapy quite soon. In both cases they told school councillors before telling their parents and the councillors were present when the Dds told the parents. Maybe OP you could consider trying this route?

Gingerkittykat Tue 06-Aug-19 04:07:56

@Arewedone Why do you think a lifetime of hormone treatment, which can have some pretty horrendous side effects, is a good thing to recommend?

@Spooksandchocolatecake I think I remember reading your thread before, was it your DD who ran into the road when pushed to go to school?

I really don't envy your position at all, I would say gender affirming therapy would be the best solution if that is available. Can you mention it to the people treating her anorexia (assuming she has treatment, I know MH services are rubbish) and see if they can help.

Arewedone Tue 06-Aug-19 05:00:54

@Gingerkittykat. If you read my post I was recommending perhaps her Dd to talk with a school councillor in order that she may feel comfortable expressing whatever it is to a third party before her parents!
But honestly if she was my child and is genuinely transgender and hormone therapy is required at some point after ages 18 personally I would support it!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Tue 06-Aug-19 08:30:25

I don't believe there is sound scientific evidence to support the idea that cross-hormones are ever 'needed', in the way that (say) insulin is needed if you're a Type 1 diabetic. There is evidence that taking cross-hormones over a long period causes health problems. A biological female taking drugs to suppress production of oestrogen and progesterone and increase testosterone for a long period is likely to require a hysterectomy within a few years because of the increased cancer risk. Even if she desists from hormones, the masculinising effects will be permanent.

Ornery, I take my hat off to for you for your approach. It sounds very hard but I have no doubt you are on the right lines. We all have to learn to live with reality. It does no good in the long term to pretend we're something we can never be.

Arewedone Tue 06-Aug-19 09:40:01

OP- suggest possibly transfer this question over to the LGBT children forum.

Gingerkittykat Tue 06-Aug-19 13:15:06

@Arewedone If you read the OPs posts you will see her DD is not in school so a school counsellor would not be an option.

InsulatedCup Tue 06-Aug-19 19:34:02

OP - there is no right answer. Some kids may be happy fully transitioned forever, for others the gender identity issues is a symptom of something else that will get overlooked, or clinicians won't dare investigate further for fear of being labelled transphobic.

You are not alone.

InsulatedCup Tue 06-Aug-19 19:55:12

Some of this may ring true for you

PoppingOneOutIn2020 Tue 06-Aug-19 20:05:36

Your daughter has been suicidal and depressed.. you find a note in her phone reminding herself to tell someone something before its 'too late' ... and you're more worried about her being transgender?

Talk to your bloody daughter before it's too late!

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